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Today is Monday August 6
the 218th day of 2007. There
are 147 to
go. The Sun is at 13-14 Leo The moon is waning.
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Now this one really cheers me up!
A 2006 study by
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.
Great Job
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A
teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around
the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey,
what sound does a cow make?"
Davey
replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice,
what sound does a cat make?"
Alice
said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie,
what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie
said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer,
what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer
paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
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Yeah,
sometimes we get pissed
Crip Humor ~ By and For the Severely Euphemized
TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO THE ABLE BODIED
"Would you say you're 'shoe dependent'?"
"The temptation to just keep on running must be almost too hard to
resist sometimes?
"When you get ill, how do you know whether to call the doctor or not?"
"So, your pain goes away?"
"Come again? You're depressed about what????"
"When you stare at people with disabilities, what connections are you
trying to make in your head?"
"Does not having to pre-book transport make you feel free or nervous?"
"I guess you aren't filled with jealous rage when you see the artistry
and magnificence of Wayne Rooney on a soccer ball pitch because deep
down you know you could be him if you wanted?
"When you illegally park in a disabled parking spot, is it because
you think disabled people don't exist or that you don't exist?"
"If you mention walking, seeing, hearing, socializing, sports or
anything to do with the 21st century near a disabled person, do you
think they're more likely to cry or sue?"
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TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO THE ABLE BODIED
"Would you say you're 'shoe dependent'?"
"The temptation to just keep on running must be almost too hard to
resist sometimes?
"When you get ill, how do you know whether to call the doctor or not?"
"So, your pain goes away?"
"Come again? You're depressed about what????"
"When you stare at people with disabilities, what connections are you
trying to make in your head?"
"Does not having to pre-book transport make you feel free or nervous?"
"I guess you aren't filled with jealous rage when you see the artistry
and magnificence of Wayne Rooney on a soccer ball pitch because deep
down you know you could be him if you wanted?
"When you illegally park in a disabled parking spot, is it because
you think disabled people don't exist or that you don't exist?"
"If you mention walking, seeing, hearing, socializing, sports or
anything to do with the 21st century near a disabled person, do you
think they're more likely to cry or sue?"
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Somedays
ya just gotta be patient (mais oui, Pepè)
http://tinyurl.com/36zmto
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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who's very old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, " Look at me. I'm old and worn out. But I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who's very old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, " Look at me. I'm old and worn out. But I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new inmate asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit
cards missing."
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GOD,
GOOGLED, EXISTS
59,900,000
Search Results Evidence of Deity, Experts Agree
In
the most conclusive evidence of a Supreme Being ever discovered, a
Google™ search of God has proved once and for all that He exists,
theologians agreed today.
“To
those doubters out there who still don’t believe that God exists, I
have just one piece of advice: Google™ Him,” said Dr. George Darlington
of the University of Minnesota Divinity School.
The
Google™ search of God turned up over 59 million websites featuring Him,
a number that theological scholars around the world said makes God’s
existence an open and shut case.
The
stunning discovery, expected to wipe out atheism worldwide, was made
entirely by accident by Jason Blivens, 22, a video-store clerk in
Tacoma, Washington.
Speaking
to reporters today at his home, Mr. Blivens said he meant to do a
Google™ search of the word “bod” but accidentally typed the letter “g”
instead of “b.”
“As
soon as those search results came up, I immediately alerted the
authorities,” Mr. Blivens said. “I knew this was something big.”
In
contrast with the 59 million sites found for God, a Google™ for Satan
turned up only 3 million sites, suggesting that God is much more
powerful than Satan, as theologians have long argued.
But
in a finding that some scholars called worrisome, Paris Hilton turned
up on over 3.5 million sites, indicating that the hotel heiress has
actually eclipsed the Lord of Darkness as a force for evil.
In a
positive development, however, “good” received 178 million search
results while “evil” snagged only 17 million, 16 million of those
stemming from foreign policy speeches by President George W. Bush.
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Test your IQ with the question below:
There is a mute who wants to buy a
toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes
to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling
down for the answer...
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. If you got this wrong please do not pass go, do not breed, just go dig a hole and hide.
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My
medical advice
Weekly Workout
The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not
Wanting
to harm this old body, I've devised the following:
to harm this old body, I've devised the following:
Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Tuesday
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire
Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Saturday
Pick up the pieces.
Pick up the pieces.
Sunday
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.
Whew! What a workout!
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The
new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country
music singer. One day he decided to visit some of the church
members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first
lady's house and knocked on the door.
When
she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No ma'am," he
replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with
you." So she said to come right on in.
He
visited several more homes, and everyone thought that he was Conway
Twitty and to all he exclaimed that he was not Conway Twitty, he was
the new preacher. Then he came to a young widow woman's
house. She was taking a shower at the time, so when she answered
the door, she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door very
slightly.
When
she saw her caller, she flung open the door and threw up her hands,
which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she
exclaimed.
"It's Conway Twitty!"
"It's Conway Twitty!"
And
the preacher said....... "Hello, Darlin' "
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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As long as I count the votes, what are you going to do about it?"
- Tammany Hall "Boss'Tweed (William Marcy Tweed)
Home is where the grab bars are.