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Today is Friday August 31, the 243rd day of 2007. There are 122 to go. The Sun is at 7-8 Virgo The moon is waning-full.
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What every handicapped parking sign needs

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From Pamplona

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Some benefits of aging

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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Geriatric humor

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf

A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Little Known Illnesses

PSEUDONYMPHOMANIA
Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX
Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX
Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

VISACARDITIS
The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

OREOPOROSIS
Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

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Henny Youngman [1907 - 1998]

This is a list of the Henny Youngman jokes that comedian Alan King repeated at Mr. Youngman's funeral...

You have a ready wit. Let m know when it's ready.

The more I think of you the less I think of you.

It's good to see you. It means you're not behind my back.

You're one of the main reasons for twin beds.

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.

He's a real gentleman. He reminds me of Saint Paul, one of the dullest towns in America.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

Because they're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

They want to.

Why don't Jewish men drink?

It interferes with their suffering.

In New York's garment district a little old man was hit by a car. While waiting for an ambulance, the policeman tucked a blanket under the guys chin and asked, "Are you comfortable?"

the man said, "I make a nice living."

Camp Hiawatha, Camp Seneca - That's where Jewish kids go for the summer. Camp Ginsberg is where the Indian kids go.

When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was an excuse.

My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.

A woman wrapped herself in Saran Wrap to take off some weight. Her husband comes home, sees her, and says, "Leftovers again."

Was that suit made to order? The guy who ordered it didn't pick it up, huh?

That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die?

I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you?

He's frank and ernest with women. In Fresno; he's Frank and in Chicago; he's Ernest.

What do you get for a man who has everything? Penicillin.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A Bishop goes up to visit a year later. the Bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says. "If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Would you like a Martini Bishop?" "Yes, I would", says the Bishop The Priests says "Rosary, bring the bishop a Martini."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy."
The man says, "I want a second opinion."
The doctor says, "OK, you're ugly too."

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King."

A panhandler says to me, "Mister, I haven't tasted food for a week." I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."

My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a sign saying, "Drink Canada Dry"; so he went up there.

Your presence makes me long for your absence.

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?

He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.
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As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.

Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E.
(Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T.
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D.
or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.

Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training
(S.H.I.T.) program.

The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Management

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WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please .....

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While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:

*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
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Home is where the grab bars are.