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Today is Thursday August 30,
the 242nd
day of 2007. There are 123 to go. The Sun is
at 7
Virgo The moon is waxing.
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Tax
dollars at work ..........
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Political on Hillary, but funny
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While
waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my
personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O."
"I'm
here," the woman standing next to me answered.
Curious,
I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught kindergarten.
"Neither,"
she replied. "My name is McDonald."
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From GCFL
Bring Me Men
When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air
Force Academy, there was an overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring
Me Men."
As my parents were touring the grounds during
Parents' Weekend, they could tell that some of the cadets were
homesick. The sign had been changed to "Bring Me Mom."
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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy
a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the
clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even
know that I'm going to shoot him!"
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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years
ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting
hunter.
"My ex-wife," replied the hunter.
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For American//Canadian woodland novices, here's
another handy little guide to help determine what kind of bear you've
happened upon...
HOW TO TELL THE SPECIES OF BEAR YOU ARE LOOKING AT:
1) Go over to it, and kick it in the behind.
2) Run up a nearby tree.
3) If s/he climbs the tree and eats
you, s/he's a black/brown bear.
4) If s/he knocks the tree down and eats
you, s/he's a grizzly.
5) If s/he just reaches up, knocks you out
of the tree and eats you, s/he's a kodiak.
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The
Best Cat Story Ever.....
Calling
in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
However, on one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
However, on one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The
accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no
problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!! The garbage
disposal is dead. Come and reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So
out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched
down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without any respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without any respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I
lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while
rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild
animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When
I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully
briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct
their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At
the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If
they had only known.
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A new
employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager
explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00
AM.
The
next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new
employee.
He
says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.
They
both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The
personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes,
he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm
sorry, I guess you misunderstood! me yesterday.
Your
job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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A man
went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a
thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with
him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your
insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I
know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
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From
Tom
Brunette
walks into the doctor's surgery. "Doctor I get the most terrible pains
whenever I touch any part of my body"
"Like
where ?"
"Oh
tip of my nose, lip, forehead, arms, anywhere I touch it really hurts."
" Now
you are not a brunette are you ? You're really a blonde who died her
hair."
"That's
amazing Doctor, how could you tell?"
"Because
you've got a broken finger you stupid ninny!"
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A
Somewhat Improved Glossary of Your PC's Messages
By
Kevin Pease
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact
technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "...
where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that
it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to
C:\<Directory>...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive
D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."
It means: "... Indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an
error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."
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It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."
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Funny
things heard in court!
Judge:
I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
Defendant:
Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge:
The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Judge:
Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer:
Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see any fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Witness: I didn't see any fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Defendant:
Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge:
Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name - not a damn thing.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name - not a damn thing.
Judge:
You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in
your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
(after
being sentenced to 90 days in jail)
Defendant: Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
Defendant: Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
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From:
Griff
NEWSPAPERS
1.
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country, and who are very good at crosswords.
4.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like
their statistics shown in pie charts.
5.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave
LA to do it.
6.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a
seat on the train.
8.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably
while intoxicated.
9.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is
a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose
all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders
are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be
illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
10.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but
need the baseball scores.
11.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
store.
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Hamburg, N.Y. -- A national animal rights group has offered
Hamburg officials $15,000 to change the town's name to
Veggieburg. "The town's name conjures up visions of unhealthy
patties of ground-up dead cows," said Joe Haptas, spokesman of People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, in a letter faxed Monday
to Hamburg Supervisor Patrick Hoak.
PETA offered to supply area schools with $15,000 worth of non-meat patties for the name change. "Our offer is serious as a heart attack," Haptas said.
Hoak immediately declined. "With all due respect, I think it's a delicacy in our community," he said about hamburgers. "We're proud of our name and proud of our heritage." The Buffalo suburb, named Hamburg since 1812, claims to be the birth place of the American culinary staple. Hamburg commemorates the birth of hamburgers at the annual Burgerfest.
In 1996, PETA proposed that the Hudson Valley town of Fishkill change its centuries-old name to Fishsave, since the group believed the name conjured up violent imagery of dead fish. The town was named by Dutch settlers in the early 1600s. "Kill" is the Dutch word for "stream."
PETA offered to supply area schools with $15,000 worth of non-meat patties for the name change. "Our offer is serious as a heart attack," Haptas said.
Hoak immediately declined. "With all due respect, I think it's a delicacy in our community," he said about hamburgers. "We're proud of our name and proud of our heritage." The Buffalo suburb, named Hamburg since 1812, claims to be the birth place of the American culinary staple. Hamburg commemorates the birth of hamburgers at the annual Burgerfest.
In 1996, PETA proposed that the Hudson Valley town of Fishkill change its centuries-old name to Fishsave, since the group believed the name conjured up violent imagery of dead fish. The town was named by Dutch settlers in the early 1600s. "Kill" is the Dutch word for "stream."
+Source:
Associated Press, April 24, 2003+
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Our daughter, an ROTC cadet, was
ordered to Fort Indiantown Gap in Pennsylvania for field exercises. it
was the Easter season, she requested permission to attend church
services on Palm Sunday. The troops were in the field at the
time, so the commanding officer agreed only if there happened to be a
church in the vicinity of their maneuvers. When a small country church
was seen along the road, our daughter entered quietly, hoping to be
unnoticed in spite of her leaf-and-branch camouflage. But all eyes
turned upon her as a small child cried in amazement, "Look,
somebody came as a palm!"
--Contributed
to "Humor In Uniform" by Elizabeth Marvin
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
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Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
Home is where the grab bars are.