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For a subscription
For August 18
& 19, 2007
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A German shepherd went to a Western
Union office, took out a blank
form and wrote,
"Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."
The clerk examined the paper and told
the dog, "There are only nine words here.
You could send another 'woof' for the
same price."
The dog replied "What, and ruin the
punchline?!"
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A
rerun
Two
Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
slipped into the U.S.
The
first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy hushes him quickly
and whispers:
"Don't
blow our cover. You're in America now; speak Spanish ! ".
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THE GAY FLIGHT
ATTENDANT
My flight was
being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane
prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big
scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up, that would be super."
On his trip
back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head
and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from
no one."
To which (I
swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."
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Virginia Crazy
Law:
Children are
not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
It is illegal
to tickle women.
Driving while
not wearing shoes is prohibited. (Repealed)
You may not
work on Sunday. (Repealed)
Citizens must
honk their horn while passing other cars.
It is illegal
to spit on sidewalk.
There is a
state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other
than candidates."
Police radar
detectors are illegal.
It is illegal
to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. (Repealed)
You cannot
sell lettuce on Sunday, but you can sell beer, wine etc.
(Repealed)
(Repealed)
You cannot buy
hardware of any kind on Sunday. (Passed in 1975, repealed in 1977)
Culpeper
No one may
wash a mule on the sidewalk.
Dayton
A person of
color may not be oustide or within the city limits after 7 pm.
Lebanon
It is illegal
to kick your wife out of bed.
Norfolk
Women must
wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.
A man may face
60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.
Spitting on a
sea gull is not tolerated.
Richmond
It is illegal
to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee.
Stafford
County
It is legal
for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is
before 8:00 pm.
Victoria
It is illegal
to skate down the sidewalk of Main Street.
Virginia Beach
It is also
unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic
Avenue.
If you are
drunk and not driving your car, and the person who is driving the car
is drunk as well, you may both receive DUI's.
It is illegal
to use profanity on Atlantic Avenue or the boardwalk.
It is illegal
for a person to ride on the handlebars of a bike.
Waynesboro
It is illegal
for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking
in front of the car waving a red flag.
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¡Está
aquí! (It's here!), at least as a parody
..................................
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Re: Health
Blaylock Tip of the Week:
Hospitals Are Killers — How to Stay Safe
In the course of a lifetime, most of us will eventually be forced to receive treatment at a hospital. There are generally two reasons for this: either you could experience an unavoidable emergency, or you might undergo an elective procedure that is complicated enough to require hospitalization.
For a variety of reasons, hospitals have become increasingly dangerous.
They are a breeding ground for countless infectious organisms capable of making you sicker than you were prior to being admitted. Some could even kill you.
Most people have no idea that hospital complications and errors are the eighth-leading cause of death in this country, exceeding motor vehicle accidents, breast cancer and AIDS.
Of all the potentially deadly threats to patients, one of the most preventable is hospital-acquired infection, which accounts for 100,000 deaths each year. Postoperative infections prolong the patient's hospital stay by an average of 11 days, adding about $58,000 to total costs of each stay.
Many studies suggest that a patient's risk of developing a hospital-acquired infection correlates directly to his or her diet prior to entering the hospital. Even more shocking: After admission, 25 percent of elective patients and just under 50 percent of intensive care unit patients become even more malnourished. That is, their nutrition continues to deteriorate as a result of poor hospital food and doctors' failure to recognize the problem.
Patients with good nutrition before admission to a hospital rarely developed these prolonged, debilitating symptoms.
Conclusion: The best way to prevent hospital-borne illness is to have an adequate diet that strengthens your immune system.
Here are some things you can do to boost your immunity:
- Drink plenty of pure water to flush out urinary bacteria (six 12-oz. glasses a day).
- Eat at least five servings of fresh (washed) vegetables a day.
- Avoid foods containing immune-suppressing oils, such as corn, soybean, safflower, sunflower, peanut and canola.
- Consume 500 mg. of magnesium citrate twice a day. However, if you have kidney disease or a heart blockage, consult your physician first.
- Take a multivitamin with minerals. If you are having surgery, you might want to select a vitamin that has iron and vitamin K.
- Each day, take 200 IU of vitamin E via mixed tocopherols (natural form). Do not take in a gelatin capsule.
- Consume 1,000 mg. of vitamin C (buffered calcium or magnesium ascorbate) three times a day.
- If you are over 50 or have a history of heart disease, take 300 mg. of CoQ10 in extra-virgin olive or rice oil each day. This will strengthen your heart and boost immunity.
For more recommendations on preventing illness from radiation and anesthesia, and for information on how to recover after surgery, go here for my special report “Survive Your Hospital Visit.”
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Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
[Ref. Fair Use ]
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Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
- DogByte
Home is where the grab bars are.