My Home Pages
Joke Main
For a subscription
Today is Thursday August 16 the 228th day of 2007. There
are 137 to go. The Sun is
at 22 Leo The moon is waxing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To:
Ex-Floridians, present Floridians, those who visit Florida, future
Floridians or those who know a Floridian.
We've entered the peak of the U.S. hurricane season. Any
day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico or Caribbeanand making two basic
meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season
is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area,
you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''
Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy
enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three
days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Iowa and remain there until Thanksgiving.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Iowa and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible
plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one
of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS'
INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to
get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably
well-built, and
(2) It is located in Iowa.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
(2) It is located in Iowa.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several
types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood
shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal
shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof''
windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can
withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the
salesman says so. He lives in Iowa.
"Hurricane Proofing
Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for
movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these
items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you
should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane
winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE
SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires
that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the
supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets
the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will
need the following supplies:
23 Flashlights.
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes
out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you
can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but
it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are
just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is
vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it
is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From somebody on this list. This is the woman who
grieved over her "house" a few hundred miles away. That was a fake
picture too, but good enough to fool the AP..
How stupid is this woman ??? Or is it she thinks we are stupid???
| Terrorist Propaganda Picture of the Week | ||
 |
||
|
||
|
What follows is a caption from the AFP, and below that, the
picture that accompanies it:" An elderly Iraqi woman shows two bullets which she says hit her 
The only way those bullets hit her house was if someone threw them at her house. You see, they've never been fired. For those of you unfamiliar with firearms, only the little copper-looking tip is the actual bullet. The larger, cylindrical casing below it holds the primer and the gunpowder that propels the bullet out of the firearm. Nice going, AFP! Proof again, that members of the MSM are often dupes for terrorist propagandists, and know very little about things military. Look at it like this: That picture had to have passed through at least several news people, including AFP's editors, before it was posted. An AFP editor chose that picture as representative of the printed story. And none of the people in that chain knew anything about guns, or if any of them did, they got so excited about posting another picture in the antiwar genre of a crying mother holding a dead baby killed by Americans/an old woman crying because of the Americans/ an old man carrying a dead baby, killed by Americans/ an American- injured child/ an American-bloodied child/ -- even if a story is only about the price of tomatoes in Baghdad -- that they missed an in-your-face obvious bit of propaganda, courtesy of the Mahdi Army. Now, for all you latte-sippin' 
 Here's a link to a screen shot of the original story, since AFP will probably soon remove the picture of the Mahdi actress and her magic bullets. Updates: An Instalaunch is now in effect on this post and The American Thinker is on it, too. Blackfive has opened up a can of its own brand of whup-ass on the AFP propagandist clowns. Check Blackfive's comments section for some laughs, and for info on the AFP photographer who took the picture of Magic Bullet Lady, Wissam al-Okaili. -- Lots and lots of pictures of injured babies, crying mothers, and a flattering portrait of Moqtada Al Sadr in his online portfolio. How did he get close enough to Al Sadr to get that portrait? Few people do. Man, Magic Bullet Lady sure is ubiquitous. Here's another picture I found of this Mahdi actress in one of her various grief-stricken poses. Magic Bullet Lady is in the same ranks as propagandists like Green Helmet Guy and Pieta Man, all terrorist sympathizers and terrorist abettors who are kept in business by anti-US "journalists" the world over. Reader John F. sent me another link to the Magic Bullet Lady picture, still up at AFP. Above it is another propaganda photo by the same Mahdi Army sympathizer (employee?) ahem, I mean photojournalist. |
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
Friends
vs Southern Friends
FRIENDS:
Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.
FRIENDS:
Will say "hello."
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More than one.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More than one.
FRIENDS:
Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and really mean it, too.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and really mean it, too.
FRIENDS:
Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.
FRIENDS:
Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.
FRIENDS:
Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. And most of the time know you better than you do yourself.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. And most of the time know you better than you do yourself.
FRIENDS:
Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you are not home they will wait.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you are not home they will wait.
FRIENDS:
Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.
If
one is deprived of Southern Friends, this will serve as an excellent
educational tool for why they need to look into the possibility.
-------------------------------------------------------
Gotta
git me one o' these
----------------------------------------------------------------
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
[Ref. Fair Use ]
Group addresses:
Subscribe
Unsubscribe
List Owner
-------------------------------------------------------
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
- DogByte
Home is where the grab bars are.