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Today is Wednesday August 15 the 227th day of 2007. There
are 138 to go. The Sun is
at 22 Leo The moon is waxing.
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An elderly blonde lived on a small
farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their
land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States
and Canada for years. The now widowed blonde, lived on the farm with
her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room
holding a letter.
"I just got some news, Mom," he said.
"The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington.
They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We
have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you
think?"
"What do I think?" his blonde
mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I
don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
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From
Ernie
After
Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.
One
child wrote the following:
We
always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used
to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to
look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags
because they don't know who they are anymore.
They
go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they
don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they
all jump up and down with hats on.
At
their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They
go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the
people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get
out, bring food back to the wrecked center for potluck.
My
Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I
earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will
let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
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A
nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered.. It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery
was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
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As
a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when
performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song
you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
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What
Made Me Me
Long
ago and far away,
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan,
Or the dawn of Camelot.
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan,
Or the dawn of Camelot.
There
lived a race of innocents,
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me.
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me.
For
Ike was in the White House
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
And Peyton Place was porn.
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
And Peyton Place was porn.
We
learned to gut a muffler,
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In circles on the lawn.
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In circles on the lawn.
We
longed for love & romance,
And waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.
And waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.
We
danced to "Little Darlin",
And Sang to "Stagger Lee"
And cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land That Made Me Me.
And Sang to "Stagger Lee"
And cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Only
girls wore earrings then,
And 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.
And 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.
And
only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick,
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick,
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We
fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.
We
didn't have a Star Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two & Three,
Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Or Psycho Two & Three,
Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Miss
Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.
We
had a Mr Wizard,
But not a Mr T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet
In the Land That Made Me Me.
But not a Mr T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We
had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.
For
youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever
In the Land That Made Me Me.
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We'd
never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And Zeppelins were not Led.
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And Zeppelins were not Led.
And
Beatles lived in gardens then,
And Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land That Made Me Me.
And Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We'd
never heard of microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in jars.
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in jars.
And
pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed
In the Land That Made Me Me.
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We
hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left
At the bottom of the bag.
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left
At the bottom of the bag.
And
Hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land That Made Me Me.
And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Buick's
came with portholes,
And side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.
And side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.
And
Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land That Made Me Me.
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We
had no Crest with Fluoride,
We had no Hill Street Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.
We had no Hill Street Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.
We
had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land That Made Me Me.
There
were no golden arches,
No Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,
And cats were not called Bill.
No Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,
And cats were not called Bill.
And
middle-aged was 35
And old was forty-three,
And ancient was our parents
In the Land That Made Me Me.
And old was forty-three,
And ancient was our parents
In the Land That Made Me Me.
But
all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.
And
they send us invitations
To join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land That Made Me Me.
To join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land That Made Me Me.
So
now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.
And
we tell our children's children
Of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me.
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Can't
resist this link, 'cuz I think its funny, and pokes holes in what I
believe is religius dogma.
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F.B.I.
phone
logs
The
following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.
FBI
agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was
under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After
hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents
had worked up quite an appetite.
The
agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with
delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The
following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI
because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent:
Hello.
I
would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza
Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent:
We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza
Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent:
That's right.
I'm
an FBI agent.
Pizza
Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent:
That's correct.
Just
about everybody here is.
Pizza
Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent:
That's correct.
And
make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We
have them locked.
You
will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver
the pizzas.
Pizza
Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent:
That's right.
How
soon can you have them here?
Pizza
Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent:
That's right.
We've
been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza
Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent:
I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza
Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent:
That's right.
Everyone
here is an FBI agent.
Can
you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in
the rear?
We
have the front doors locked.
Pizza
Man: I don't think so.
**
Click **
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
- DogByte
Home is where the grab bars are.