My Home Pages   Joke Main   For a subscription

Today is Tuesday July 31 the 209th day of 2007. There are 154  to go. The Sun is at 8 Leo The moon is waning.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN OVER 30:
 
By Andy Rooney:
 
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all.
 
Here are just a few reasons why:
 
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?"
 
She doesn't care what you think.
 
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.
 
She does something she wants to do.
 
And, it's usually something more interesting.
 
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
 
Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
 
Women over 30 are dignified.
 
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
 
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
 
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
 
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
 
Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
 
Women get psychic as they age.
 
You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30.
 
They always know.
 
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
 
This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
 
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
 
Women over thirty are forthright and honest.
 
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one!
 
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
 
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.
 
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
 
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
 
Ladies, I apologize.
 
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
 
Here's an update for you.
 
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
 
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Paleontologists in Greece have discovered the petrified remains of a mastadon believed to be 3,000,000 years old.  Dethroning the previous record-holder, Bob Barker.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Translation Oops
 
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
 
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
 
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
 
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
------------------------------------------------------
Today in History: Tuesday, July  31, 2007
AP Highlight in History:
On July 31, 1964, the American space probe Ranger 7 transmitted pictures of the moon's surface.
On this date in:
1556 St. Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Society of Jesus, the Jesuit order of Catholic priests and brothers, died in Rome.
1777 The Marquis de Lafayette, a 19-year-old French nobleman, was made a major-general in the American Continental Army.
1875 Andrew Johnson, the 17th president of the United States, died in Carter Station, Tenn., at age 66.
1914 The New York Stock Exchange closed due to the outbreak of World War I. Trading didn't resume until December.
1919 Germany's Weimar Constitution was adopted.
1948 President Harry S. Truman helped dedicate New York International Airport (later John F. Kennedy International Airport) at Idlewild Field.
1953 Sen. Robert A. Taft of Ohio, known as "Mr. Republican," died at age 63.
1972 Democratic vice-presidential candidate Thomas Eagleton withdrew from the ticket with George McGovern following disclosures that Eagleton had once undergone psychiatric treatment.
AP Photo
1981 The leader of Panama, Gen. Omar Torrijos, was killed in a plane crash.
1981 A seven-week strike by major league baseball players ended.
1989 A pro-Iranian group in Lebanon released a grisly videotape purportedly showing the hanged body of American hostage William R. Higgins.
1990 Nolan Ryan became the 20th major league pitcher to win 300 games as his Texas Rangers beat the Milwaukee Brewers 11-3.
1991 President George H.W. Bush and Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty in Moscow.
1995 The Walt Disney Company agreed to acquire Capital Cities-ABC Inc. in a $19 billion deal.
1997 New York City police seized five bombs believed bound for terrorist attacks on subways.
2002 A bomb exploded inside a cafeteria at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, killing nine people, including five Americans.
 
Video
Highlights of This Day in History
Today's Birthdays:
Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick turns 51 years old today.
AP Photo/Stephan Savoia
Name Profession Age
Milton Friedman Nobel Prize-winning economist 95
Robert Morgenthau Manhattan district attorney 88
Don Murray Actor 78
Kenny Burrell Jazz guitarist, composer 76
Geoffrey Lewis Actor 72
France Nuyen Actress 68
Susan Flannery Actress 64
Lobo Singer 64
Geraldine Chaplin Actress 63
Gary Lewis Singer 62
William Weld Former Massachusetts governor 62
Bob Welch Rock singer 61
Evonne Goolagong Cawley Tennis Hall of Famer 56
Barry Van Dyke Actor 56
Alan Autry Actor 55
James Read Actor 54
Michael Biehn Actor 51
Daniel Ash Rock singer, musician 50
Bill Berry Rock musician (R.E.M.) 49
Wesley Snipes Actor 45
Chad Brock Country singer 44
Fatboy Slim Rock musician 44
Jim Corr Rock musician (The Corrs) 43
J.K. Rowling Author ("Harry Potter" books) 42
Dean Cain Actor 41
Ben Chaplin Actor 38
Loren Dean Actor 38
Annie Parisse Actress ("Law and Order") 32
Robert Telfer Actor 30
B.J. Novak Actor, writer ("The Office") 28
Blaire Stroud Country singer (3 of Hearts) 24
Shannon Curfman Rock singer 22
University of Nebraska football coach Bill Callahan turns 51 years old today.
AP Photo/Ron Heflin
__._,_.___ 		 
Video
Highlights of This Day in History
Today's Birthdays:
Blues guitarist Buddy Guy turns 71 years old today.

AP Photo/Jim Cooper
Name Profession Age
Dick Wilson Actor 91
Richard Johnson Actor 80
Edd "Kookie" Byrnes Actor 74
Peter Bogdanovich Director 68
Eleanor Smeal Feminist activist 68
Paul Anka Singer 66
David Sanborn Jazz saxophonist 62
William Atherton Actor 60
Arnold Schwarzenegger California governor, actor 60
Jean Reno Actor 59
Otis Taylor Blues guitarist 59
Frank Stallone Actor 57
Ken Olin Actor 53
Delta Burke Actress ("Designing Women") 51
Richard Burgi Actor 49
Kate Bush Rock singer 49
Neal McCoy Country singer 49
Richard Linklater Director 47
Laurence Fishburne Actor 46
Danny Roberts Country musician (The Grascals) 44
Vivica (IS) A. Fox Actress 43
Dwayne O'Brien Country musician (Little Texas) 43
Terry Crews Actor ("Everybody Hates Chris") 39
Simon Baker Actor 38
Christopher Nolan Director ("Batman Begins," "Memento") 37
Tom Green Actor, comedian 36
Christine Taylor Actress 36
Dean Edwards Actor, comedian ("Saturday Night Live") 34
Hilary Swank Actress 33
Jaime Pressley Actress 30


------------------------------------------------------------

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?
 


 

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied. "When white man f ind land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough
think he improve system like that."

 

-----------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------
"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid." - Richard Braunstein
--------------------------------------------------
"If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue." - Samuel Butler
--------------------------------------------------
"I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on." - Oscar Levant 
----------------------------------------------------
Proverbs
 

A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
Arab Proverb
 
A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush.
English Proverb
 
A broken hand works, but not a broken heart.
Persian Proverb
 
A cat has nine lives.
Proverb of Unknown Origin
 
A closed mouth catches no flies.
Italian Proverb
 
A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.
German Proverb
 
A courtyard common to all will be swept by none.
Proverb, Chinese
 
A dog is wiser than a woman; it does not bark at its master.
Russian Proverb
 
A drink precedes a story.
Irish Proverb
 
A drowning man is not troubled by rain.
Persian Proverb
 
A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
William Blake "Proverbs of Hell" (1790)
 
A forest is in an acorn.
Proverb of Unknown Origin
 
A friend in need is a friend indeed
English Proverb
 
A friend's eye is a good mirror.
Irish Proverb
 
A good denial, the best point in law.
Irish Proverb
 
A good husband is healthy and absent.
Japanese Proverb
 
A hard beginning maketh a good ending.
John Heywood "The Proverbs of John Heywood" (1546)
 
A healthy man is a successful man.
French Proverb
 
A hedge between keeps friendship green.
French Proverb
 
A hen is heavy when carried far.
Irish Proverb
 
A hound's food is in its legs.
Irish Proverb
 
A house without a dog or a cat is the house of a scoundrel.
Portuguese Proverb
 
A hungry man is an angry man.
English Proverb
 
A lie travels round the world while truth is putting her boots on.
French Proverb
 
A little too late, is much too late.
German Proverb
 
A loan though old is not gift.
Hungarian Proverb
 
A lock is better than suspicion.
Irish Proverb
 
A man does not seek his luck, luck seeks its man.
Turkish Proverb
 
A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal.
Yiddish Proverb
 
A man may well bring a horse to the water, but he cannot make him drink.
John Heywood "The Proverbs of John Heywood" (1546)
 
A man should live if only to satisfy his curiosity.
Yiddish Proverb
 
A monkey never thinks her baby's ugly.
Haitian Proverb
 
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows all the corners.
Irish Proverb
 
A penny for your thoughts.
John Heywood "The Proverbs of John Heywood" (1546)
 
A penny saved is a penny gained.
Scottish Proverb
 
A poor beauty finds more lovers than husbands.
English Proverb
 
A prudent man does not make the goat his gardener.
Hungarian Proverb
 
A rumor goes in one ear and out many mouths.
Chinese proverb
 
A silent mouth is melodious.
Irish Proverb
 
A single Russian hair outweighs half a Pole.
Traditional Russian Saying
 
A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in.
Greek Proverb
 
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
Bible - Proverbs 15:1.
 
A son is a son till he gets him a wife,
But a daughter's a daughter the rest of your life.
Proverb of Unknown Origin
 
A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.
Welsh Proverb
 
A table is not blessed if it has fed no scholars.
Yiddish Proverb
 
A teacher is better than two books.
German Proverb
 
A thief believes everybody steals.
Proverb of Unknown Origin
 
A thorn defends the rose, harming only those who would steal the blossom.
Chinese proverb
 
A throne is only a bench covered with velvet.
French Proverb
 
A trade not properly learned is an enemy.
Irish Proverb 
----------------------------------------------------------------
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
-----------------------------------------------
Housekeeping:

While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all,  is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:

*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
[Ref. Fair Use ]

Group addresses:
 
Subscribe
Unsubscribe
List Owner
-------------------------------------------------------
Our earth is degenerate in these latter days; bribery and corruption are common; children no longer obey their parents; and the end of the world is evidently approaching.
-- Assyrian clay tablet 2800 B.C.

Home is where the grab bars are.