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Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?"
Customer: "A computer."
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A girl walked into the computer center where I work. She said she
was having problems with her Mac. I asked what kind of Mac she had. In
an indignant voice, she replied, "Duh, Intosh."
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Tech Support: "What operating system are you running? Windows 95?"
Customer: (a little too excited) "95, 97, 98, I've got them all!"
After conferring with her husband, it turned out she owned a Macintosh.
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Tech Support: "Do you know what operating system you're on?"
Customer: "Hmmm...what would be a good answer?"
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Customer: "I don't use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that
directory?"
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One time I had to walk a Windows 95 user through a particular
procedure.
Me: "First you need to open DOS-prompt. I'll guide you--"
Customer: "MY COMPUTER DOES NOT HAVE DOS! YOU THINK I RUN THAT ANCIENT
SOFTWARE?" (click)
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My Friend: "I just installed Windows 98."
Me: "Cool. But...it's 2001. Why not Windows 2000 or wait for XP to come
out?"
My Friend: "Oh, 98 is more easily hacked, so I want it."
Me: "You want to get hacked?"
My Friend: "Yes! Wouldn't you?"
Me: "No...."
My Friend: "When you get hacked you get a lot of money! That's a good
thing!"
Me: "???"
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My Friend: "What's your operating system?"
Me: "Linux."
My Friend: "You better uninstall it!"
Me: "Why?"
My Friend: "The government uses Linux to look through your computer and
see your every move. They use it as a security camera into your world."
Me: "Sure...."
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Friend: "Does Windows 98 support Linux?"
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Customer: "Do you sell Mac OS X for Windows?"
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Overheard in a classroom:
Student: "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each
one separately?"
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Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
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Friend: "Hey, cool Mac! Does it have Windows!?"
Me: (incredulous stare)
Friend: "Oh, wait, that was stupid. All Macs have Windows."
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Customer: (angrily) "You said I would get 98 windows with this
computer. Where are they?"
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Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have installed?"
Customer: "... Double glazed."
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A customer called in with modem problems.
Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First
thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed."
Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?"
Me: "Make sure all windows are closed."
Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here."
Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!
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I can't even count how many people I argue with about this, yet
they insist there is an operating system call "Windows 95 NT."
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One day I got a call toward the end of the day from a sales rep in
Chicago who couldn't get his computer to boot up. We went round and
round for about two hours -- nothing worked. I was ready to pull my
hair out, but I don't like losing. To lighten the tension of the
moment, I started chitchatting with him as we're waiting to see if the
machine will restart. He has an IBM ThinkPad, and I told him how much I
like mine.
Him: "Yeah, they're ok, but I travel a lot, and I got tired of the darn
thing being so heavy, so I installed Windows CE to make it lighter."
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Me: "Do you know what the registry is?"
Friend: "Oh, yes. I take the registry apart and put it back together
all the time."
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I was calling to sign up with a new DSL provider. When the guy
asked what operating system I was using, I said, "Linux." I was put on
hold for five minutes, and then a supervisor came back and told me,
"You can't use Linux to connect to the Internet. It's a hacker tool,
anyway." I almost fell out of my chair.
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In about 1993, Cambridge University had a few rooms of 486s, for
use by members of the University. You could get into the rooms at any
time of day if you had a key, and the site security would walk around
every hour or so at night.
One policy, introduced after a few too many noisy games of network
Doom, was that playing games wasn't allowed. One evening, however, I
saw someone using eXceed (an X-Windows server for Microsoft Windows) to
run Motif. Apparently he was doing something on one of the UNIX
machines over the network. The security guard came up behind him, and
the conversation went something like this:
Security Guard: "Could you stop that -- you're not allowed to play
games in here."
Student: "This isn't a game."
Security Guard: "You can't fool me. That's not work."
Student: "Yes, it is. I'm a computer science student -- I've got a
deadline later this week."
Security Guard: "That doesn't look like work to me. I'm going to have
to ask you to leave."
Student: "What? I'm working. I'm working quietly. Why do I have to
leave?"
Security Guard: "You're playing a game, and you're lying to me. Out.
Now. Before I turn this machine off."
Even the other two people in the room couldn't persuade the security
bloke that it wasn't a game.
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Overheard in a software shop:
Woman #1: "What this Linux thing?"
Woman #2: "It's a program that if you have it on your computer, you
can't turn the computer off."
Woman #1: "Oh."
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Last year, the temp agency I was working for was arranging a
contract for me, and some additional "computer skills" tests were
necessary. The branch manager asked what kind of computer I was
comfortable with. I said, "Windows PC," although I had used several
others. She cut in right then and asked, "Word or Excel?"
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Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?"
Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?"
Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not
this computer talk, ok?"
Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you
just sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?"
Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on."
Tech Support: "And then what happens?"
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV
part."
Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried."
Tech Support: "And that is what?"
Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?"
Customer: "A bunch of little pictures."
Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'."
Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk
out of it."
Tech Support: "You mean an apple?"
Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."
Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac. Even
after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen
minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his
Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a
PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I
never could convince him.
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Two night forepersons at our company were discussing our new
computer network after just having been to a brief orientation session.
One of them wanted to know what "windows" were, so I explained. Just as
she seemed to be catching on to the concept, the other foreperson piped
up. "Well that's great, because we have ninety-five windows on there!"
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Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."
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Co-Worker: "What version of DOS does UNIX run?"
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Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program
that is not."
Tech Support: "What program is it?"
Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING
but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and
doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to
Windows."
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For my work-study job, I work tech support at a small college. One
night I was working Help Desk and the phone rings. I pick it up to have
a student telling me she can't get the computer to work.
Me: "What operating system are you running?"
Student: "Hunh?"
Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?"
Student: "Um, I don't know."
Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?"
Student: "It's yellow."
Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?"
Student: "What's that?"
Me: "The big grey box."
Student: "It doesn't say anything."
Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the
bottom of the monitor?"
Student: "Monitor?"
Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box."
Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button."
Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?"
Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?"
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Back in the early days of Windows 95:
Customer: "I have Windows Thirty One."
Tech Support: "Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s.
Do you have Win32s on your system?"
Customer: "No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two."
Tech Support: "Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program
that makes your computer fast like Windows 95."
Customer: "What's Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?"
Tech Supprort: "You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this."
Customer: "I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON'T IT WORK?"
Tech Support: (giving up) "Ma'am, your computer is too old. Buy a new
one with Windows 95."
Customer: "I've heard about Windows Three Hundred and Eleven. Wouldn't
that be better than Ninety Five?"
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My father decided that it would be a nice surprise to install
Windows 95 on my seven year old computer. He had one of his employees
give him step-by-step written instructions but neglected to mention
that my computer is so old. When I got home he had Windows 95 installed
and was struggling to install the first piece of software.
My Dad: "It says there's insufficient disk space. How much stuff
to you have on the hard drive?"
Me: "It was almost full. You shouldn't have been able to get Windows 95
on there."
My Dad: "Well, I just followed these instructions."
I looked at the instructions and saw that he had backed up everything
and wiped the hard drive.
Me: "If you followed these instruction properly, the only thing on the
hard drive should be Windows 95. How much space does that take up?"
My Dad: "It doesn't take up any space. It's an operating system."
Me: "No, it takes up a lot of space, and it shouldn't even be able to
fit on this computer."
My Dad: "No, you don't know what you're talking about. The problem is
that you have too many files. You have to delete some of them."
Me: "You already deleted all my files. They're on that stack of disks
now."
My Dad: "Yes, and those disks are taking up too much space."
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A friend just got his new Aptiva/Win98 system and bought a bunch
of software to go along with it. He installed everything, then
complained that when he started his computer up, the screen was so
cluttered he was having a hard time finding his desktop. I talked him
through the process of making his desktop a more simple place by
turning off fancy wallpaper, toolbars, and so on. He rebooted and said
it was just as bad as it ever was. Sighing, I took a quick trip over to
look at it.
Somewhat to my amazement, I discovered that every time the
computer booted up, a half dozen or so program groups opened up on the
desktop, and all sorts of programs were spilling their menu contents
onto the screen. After some poking around, I discovered that he had
installed everything -- everything -- into his StartUp folder.
I asked him why he installed all his programs in there. He said,
"Well, I wanted to be sure they'd start up when I needed them, so...."
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My father likes to delete things from the Windows System directory
because he's convinced that's where the swap file lurks. I have to
reinstall Windows 95 almost every day.
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A friend of mine had an old system with a small hard drive and not
much memory, so she continued to use Windows 3.1 rather than suffer
under the strain of Windows 95/98.
She called me one day to help her because her computer will no
longer run Windows. Past experience had taught me most of her computer
problems were self-inflicted, so I asked her what she had done to the
computer recently.
Her: "Well, I needed more space from the hard drive so I could get more
JPGs and WAVs from my friends on mIRC."
Me: "Ok, so what did you do?"
Her: "I just deleted all the blank files from my computer."
Me: "Blank files?"
Her: "Yes, blank files. I deleted tham all."
Me: "What exactly is a blank file?"
Her: "When you run File Manager, every file shows a picture. I just
deleted all the ones with the blank page picture."
Say goodbye to every .DLL and unassociated file on her system. She was
somewhat indignant when she found out she would have to find some
Windows 3.1 install diskettes and reinstall every piece of software she
wanted to use.
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About two months ago, a client called in screaming profanities at
me and demanding that I either give him a refund on his one year old
system or send a technician out to repair it immediately. His problem
was that the taskbar was on the right-hand side of his screen, and he
couldn't get it back to the bottom.
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A few days ago, a client called in wondering why he couldn't
delete items off the Windows desktop. It was soon discovered that he'd
already dragged Internet Explorer, MS Outlook, and a few other items
off into the recycle bin, and was trying to delete 'My Computer' and
'Network Neighborhood.'
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I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers
at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could
send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in.
Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?"
Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when
I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in
there."
Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?"
Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I
would run out of blank pages."
Woman 1: "Why?"
Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the
blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's
called the recycle bin."
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My coworker (who uses Windows 95) was having trouble downloading a
self-extracting archive off the net. In an attempt to make it easier to
open the file with WinZIP, he associated *.EXE with WinZIP.
Nothing worked after that. Every program he tried to run would
load WinZIP first. He couldn't even run REGEDIT to delete the
association.
He ultimately had to reinstall Windows 95 and all his programs.
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From a Windows 95 user:
Customer: "I think my computer doesn't know what it is doing."
Tech Support: (pause) "Why? What is the problem with the system?"
Customer: "Well, it keeps asking me, 'What is this?'"
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Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the
MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message
saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."
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Customer: "Something's wrong with my computer."
Tech Support: "Like what?"
Customer: "When I turn it on the screen goes all black."
Tech Support: "Totally black?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Does it say 'C:\>' in the corner?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Then it's not really all black, is it?"
Customer: "I guess not."
Tech Support: "Type 'win' and press the enter key."
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I work at an office supply store. When Windows 98 came out, we had
a sale on new computer systems. There were more than a few people who
were completely taken in by buzzwords and had no idea what they were
talking about. The worst case was a person who spent five or ten
minutes looking through Windows Explorer, apparently trying to find
something. Trying to make the sale, I stayed with her, helping her when
necessary. Eventually, I asked to know what she was looking for. "I'm
trying to run Windows 98," she said.
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Read in a message board of a local BBS: "I try to avoid using
Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."
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Tech Support: "What software are you using to backup?
Customer: "Ms. Dos." (spoken like it was a person, like Mr. Dos or Mrs.
Dos)
Tech Support: "What, are you just copying the files with the xcopy or
copy command?"
Customer: "Oh, no I use Ms. Backup for that."
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At least three people from our company have come to me panicked,
almost crying. They all say, "I think I just erased a program!! Help!!"
In reality, it turns out they just minimized the window. When I open it
again, they gasp, "What did you DO?!?!?"
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We maintain a 24 hour, 800 number call desk for our maintenance
contract customers, a very expensive undertaking. Non-contract
customers can call as well, but our per-call maintenance charge is
$250/hour, with a minimum of three hours. If you only call us
occasionally, it's a lot cheaper than a contract, but it's clearly
designed to discourage trivial calls.
In 1996 a per-call customer called. "What does MSDOS stand for?"
she asked. We told her. Her firm paid the $750 bill without demur.
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One time a user was trying to clean up his hard drive. He saw a
folder called "system" which took up lots of space but only had a few
things in it. So he moved the fonts and sounds to a new location and
deleted everything else.
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One of our users, upon receiving his new computer, deleted most of
the files in the system area. He said he didn't know what those files
did, so he got rid of them. For some strange reason, the system refused
to work properly afterward.
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Had a user that called the other day, complaining that all her
files were "garbage" and that I should take her computer back and fix
them. It turned out she was looking at system files. She couldn't read
the binary code and assumed, therefore, that the files were corrupted.
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I was asked to fix Word Perfect once, when it had apparently "just
quit working." They didn't know why, but it didn't take long for me to
find the problem. They had cleaned up their hard drive by erasing all
binary files because "they weren't readable."
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One user -- a regular caller of ours -- got herself into some
serious computer trouble when she set about cleaning up her system. She
had been exploring the hard drive in the file manager and discovered
hundreds of files in the Windows directory with all different file
extensions. Being of an orderly mind, and with several hours of free
time, she had created a TXT folder, a COM folder, a DLL folder, and so
forth, and moved all the files into these subdirectories.
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Me: "You really should exit Windows before you shut down."
Friend: "Why?"
Me: "Well, otherwise you could end up with fragmented files and hard
drive errors and that sort of thing."
Friend: "Oh well. Who cares about hard drive errors?"
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Customer: "My machine won't do anything."
Tech Support: "What's on the screen right now?"
Customer: "It's frozen, it's showing my Windows desktop."
Tech Support: "Try hitting Ctrl-Alt-Delete, tell me what happens."
Customer: (taptaptap) "Nothing."
Tech Support: "Did you hit all of them at once?"
Customer: "Umm...just a second." (taptaptap) "I did that time. Nothing
happened."
Tech Support: "Try it again."
Customer: (taptaptap) "No, it's just sitting there."
Tech Support: "Move the mouse around. What happens?"
Customer: "Nothing, the arrow doesn't move."
Tech Support: "Ok, last try, hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete again."
Customer: "Still nothing."
Tech Support: "Hit your numlock key. Does the light flash?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, you're going to have to shut your computer off. Just
press the power button, wait for a couple of seconds, and turn it on
again."
Customer: "I've heard that's bad for Windows."
Tech Support: "Um, well, you can't do anything else, right?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Well, you can't hurt it any worse then."
Customer: "But I've heard it's bad for Windows to just shut it off
without shutting down first."
Tech Support: "Yes, but it's locked up. There's nothing else you can
do."
Customer: "Will it hurt my Windows?"
Tech Support: "Probably no worse than it already was by locking up."
Customer: "Well...ok...but if it doesn't work, will you come over and
fix it for me?"
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There is a gradeschooler who lives in an apartment complex down
the street for whom I built a 486 some time ago. It's running Windows
95, and I am forced to fix it for him constantly. One day he called me
up and said that his computer is opening up all of his files. I grabbed
my coat and hat and popped over to see what he had done to the poor
thing. He had selected everything on his desktop and made shortcuts of
them in a new folder on the desktop, in the quick-launch, and, worst of
all, his startup folder. Imagine booting all the MS Office 97
applications at startup on a 486...quite painful.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....