My Home Pages
Joke Main
For a subscription
Today
is Thursday, April 5, the 93rd
day of 2007. There are 272
to go. The Sun is at 13 Aries The moon is waning.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A woman calls her boss one morning and
tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well.
"What's the matter?", he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she
says in a weak voice.
"What in the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"Well, I just can't see my ass
coming to work today."
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT DID IRS FORM
1040 LOOK LIKE in 1913? http://tinyurl.com/2yy9z5
------------------------------------------
Deayed Animation
-----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
|
I found a bug in the last e-mail you
sent................... Here - you can have it back!
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's Birthdays
On this day:
On this day:
Singer and actress Gale Storm is 85. (Born 1922) She starred in "My Little Margie."
Film producer Roger Corman is 81. (Born 1926) Known as the
"King of the Bs," his numerous credits include the original "Little
Shop of Horrors" as well as the movies "Rock and Roll High School," "A
Bucket of Blood," "Barbarian Queen," "The Wild Angels," "Death Race
2000," "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden," and "The Brain Eaters."
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is 70. (Born 1937)
Emmy Award-winning actor Michael Moriarty is 66. (Born 1941)
He has won Emmys for the TV movies "James Dean" and "The Glass
Menagerie" and the miniseries "Holocaust." His other credits include
the films "Bang the Drum Slowly" and "Windmills of the God" and the
television drama "Law and Order."
Actor Max Gail is 64. (Born 1943) His credits include the TV
series "Sons & Daughters" and the sitcom "Barney Miller."
Actress Jane Asher is 61. (Born 1946) Her credits include the
movie "Alfie" and the miniseries "Brideshead Revisited." She was also
engaged to Paul McCartney in the mid 1960s.
Singer Agnetha Faltskog is 57. (Born 1950) She was in the
band ABBA.
Actor Mitch Pileggi is 55. (Born 1952) His credits include
the TV series "Day Break" and "The X Files."
Judge Greg Mathis is 47. (Born 1960) He presides over the TV
series "Judge Mathis."
Guitarist Michael McCready is 41. (Born 1966) He's a member
of the group Pearl Jam.
Country Singer Troy Gentry is 40. (Born 1967) He's half of
the duo Montgomery Gentry.
Singer Paula Cole is 39. (Born 1968)
Country singer Pat Green is 35. (Born 1972)
Musician and producer Pharrell Williams is 34. (Born 1973)
He's a member of the production team The Neptunes.
Actor Nick Price is 14. (Born 1993) His credits include the
movie "Because of Winn-Dixie."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's
a summer holiday weekend, and a man walks into a butcher shop that has
a sign in the window saying, "Ground Sirloin:
29 cents per pound."
The
man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like five pounds of
your ground sirloin, please."
The
butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The
man, disappointed, goes down the street to another butcher shop and
asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The
proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three
twenty nine!?!" exclaims the customer. "Just up the street, the butcher
sells it for 29 cents!"
The
butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"
"No.
He's out of it right now."
"Well,"
says the butcher, "when I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents
per pound!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
from Crip Humor ~ By and For the
Severely Euphemized.[ Handicapped ... A Gimp? Disabled? Crippled?
Physically
Challenged? Severely Euphemized... ]
A dwarf exposing himself to Aphrodite
was turned into a sheep. The headlines proclaimed: "MOON MITE BECOMES
EWE."
[from Groaners Digest, Vol 22, Issue
18]
---
Short People ... Last to get rained
on, first to drown
[from The Gimp Store]
---
The seven dwarfs were feeling happy in
the bath
- so he got out...
---
What do you call a psychic midget who
escapes from jail?
~ A Small Medium At Large
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Top
30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure,"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day,"
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass,"
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK 29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure,"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day,"
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass,"
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK 29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between
politics and baseball is that in baseball, when you're caught stealing,
you're out....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wade Boggs, Steve
Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar. A pretty woman walks by and Boggs
says, "I'm going to ask her out."
Garvey replied, "You
can't do that, she's carrying my baby."
To which Rose added,
"You wanna bet?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wondered why the
baseball was getting bigger...... then it hit me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An
Ode To Old Age
There's
quite an art to falling apart as the years go by, And life doesn't
begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not; The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not; The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I
smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5; My new pacemaker's all that
keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know, But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know, But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well,
you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day; If my names not there, I'll once again start - Perfecting the art of falling apart
----------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------
We've
all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between the two? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition for each is listed below
GUTS:
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS:
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
GUTS:
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS:
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
[Ref. Fair Use ]
Group addresses:
Subscribe
Unsubscribe
List Owner
-------------------------------------------------------
"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." - Aesop
Home is where the grab bars are.