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Today is Tuesday, April 3, the 91st day of 2007. There are 274 to go. The Sun is at 11 Aries The moon is waning.
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"Did you watch 'American Idol' last night? Sanjaya is still on! How is this happening? No matter how horrible he does, he gets voted back. He's like the George Bush of 'American Idol'."

- Jay Leno

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"I love spring in New York. Isn't it great? I mean, today, it's sunny and 61. Just like Katie Couric."

- David Letterman

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A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.

"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."

"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

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Today's Birthdays

On this day:

Singer and actress Doris Day is 83. (Born 1924) She has starred in several films including "Pillow Talk" and "Young at Heart."

Anthropologist, author Jane Goodall is 73. (Born 1934) She is famous for her study of African chimps.

Songwriter Jeff Barry is 69. (Born 1938) He wrote numerous pop hits from the 1960s, including "Chapel of Love," "Do Wah Diddy Diddy," "Leader Of The Pack," "Da Doo Ron Ron," and "Tell Laura I Love Her." He also wrote the theme songs to the sitcoms "The Jeffersons" and "Family Ties."

Actress Marsha Mason is 65. (Born 1942) Her credits include the movies "Bride & Prejudice," "The Goodbye Girl," "Only When I Laugh," "Chapter Two," "Cinderella Liberty," and "Heartbreak Ridge;" the TV film "Life with Judy Garland: Me and My Shadows;" and the TV series "Frasier."

Singer Wayne Newton is 65. (Born 1942)

Singer Tony Orlando is 63. (Born 1944) He recorded the hit "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree."

Actor Alec Baldwin is 49. (Born 1958) His credits include the TV series "30 Rock" and the movies "The Good Shepherd," "Running With Scissors," "The Departed," "Fun with Dick and Jane, "Elizabethtown," "The Aviator," "The Last Shot," "The Cooler," "Along Came Polly," "The Cat in the Hat," "Pearl Harbor," "The Hunt for Red October," "Thick as Thieves," and "Beetlejuice," and the TV mini-series "Nuremberg."

Emmy Award-winning actor David Hyde Pierce is 48. (Born 1959) He has picked up several Emmys for his role as Niles Crane on the sitcom "Frasier." His other credits include the movies "Down With Love" and "Full Frontal." He has also provided voices for animated features, including "Treasure Planet" and "A Bug's Life."

Comedian, actor Eddie Murphy is 46. (Born 1961) His credits include the movies "Norbit," "Dreamgirls," "Daddy Day Care," "The Haunted Mansion," "Showtime," "The Adventures of Pluto Nash," the "Nutty Professor," "Dr. Dolittle," and "Beverly Hills Cop" films, and the television show "Saturday Night Live." He also provides the voice for Donkey in the "Shrek" movies.

Former Skid Row singer Sebastian Bach is 39. (Born 1968)

Olympic gold medal-winning skier Picabo Street is 36. (Born 1971)

Actress Jennie Garth is 35. (Born 1972) Her credits include TV series "What I Like About You" and "Beverly Hills 90210."

Actor Matthew Goode is 31. (Born 1976) His credits include the movies "The Lookout," "Match Point," and "Chasing Liberty."

Actress Amanda Bynes is 21. (Born 1986) Her credits include the movies "She's The Man" and "What A Girl Wants" and the TV shows "What I Like About You," "All That," and "The Amanda Show." She also provides the voice of the character Taffy on the animated show "Rugrats" and voices Piper in the movie "Robots."

Paris Jackson is nine. (Born 1998) She's the daughter of pop superstar Michael Jackson.

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On multiple generations, from Kitcajun

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret

Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown

Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown

Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Grandaddies have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret

Grandmother always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete ~ Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown

Grandmothers hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret

If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it! ~Hannah Whithall Smith

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Mary H. Waldrip

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida ... ~Dave Barry

I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense. ~Gene Perret

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley

Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. ~Author Unknown

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown

If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
Around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are  gifts to children and if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a faster rate. ~Bill Cosby

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie

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Nodding the head does not row the boat.
--Irish Proverb
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Our government really takes care of us. They even give us free income tax forms!

Author Unknown

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Can't remember - did I send this before?

My Forgetter...

My forgetter's getting better

But my rememberer is broke

To you that may seem funny

But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering

If I really should be "there"

And, when I try to think it through,

I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,

Say, "what am I here for?"

I wrack my brain, but all in vain

A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away

Where it is safe, but, Gee!

The person it is safest from

Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,

Say "Hi" and have a chat,

Then, when the person walks away

I ask myself "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better

While my rememberer is broke,

And it's driving me plumb crazy

And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???

Please send this to everyone you know

because...

I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO . .

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Do-it-yourself Country & Western Song Kit

I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________
(1) (2) (3)

1. 2. 3.
on the highway in September that purple dress in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants on probation all hunched over the stolen goods in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin incognito with joggers the neon sign in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid dead all over the boxer shorts

she wore; She was ______ _____,
(4) (5)

4. 5
sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra smellin' kind of funny when she shot me crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu

and I knew _______; _______
(6) (7)

6. 7.
no guy would ever love her more I promised her I knew deep down she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain we really lost the last World War The painters knew I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said

I'd ______ forever; She said to me ____;
(8) (9)

8. 9.
stay with her our love would never die
warp her mind there was no other guy
swear off booze man wasn't meant to fly
that Nixon didn't lie
punch her out her basset hound was shy
live off her that Rolaids made her high
have my rash she'd have a swiss on rye
stay a dwarf she loved my one blue eye
hate her dog her brother's name was Hy
pick my nose she liked "Spy vs. Spy"
play "Go Fish" that birthdays made her cry salivate she couldn't stand my tie

But who'd have thought she'd _____ ___________;
(10) (11)

10. 11.
run off with my best friend
wind up in my Edsel
boogie on a surfboard
yodel on "The Gong Show"
sky dive with her dentist
turn green on her "Workmate"
freak out with a robot
blast off
make it at her health club
black out in her Maytag
bobsled with her guru
grovel while in labor

_________ goodbye.
(12)

12.
You'd think at least that she'd have said I never had the chance to say She told her dumb friend Grace to say I now can kiss my credit cards I guess I was too smashed to say I watched her melt away and sobbed She fell beneath the wheels and cried She sent a hired thug to say She freaked out on the lawn and screamed I pushed her off the bridge and waved But that's the way that pygmies say She sealed me in the vault and smirked.

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HUMPTY DUMPTY
      The King James Version

1. And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.

2. And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even] upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his arrogancy, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man arose, and didst say:

3. Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath] not another to help him up.

4. And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are the mighty fallen. And God saw the Egg fall.

5. And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:

6. I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces.
Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?

7. When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king ariseth, and thus did say:

8. I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the multitude of] my men.

9. And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command, that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.

10. But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.

11. And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid, for they knew not whether `twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it had been in the beginning.

12. And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought together again.

13. When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was stilled.

14. Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What man has rent asunder, let no god join together.

15. For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

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Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.  The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, Okay pedestrians".  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?!"
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!  He's gone and done it again!"

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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....

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Housekeeping:

While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all,  is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:

*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
[Ref. Fair Use ]

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"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." - Aesop

Home is where the grab bars are.