My Home Pages
Joke Main
For a subscription
For March 31
& April 1,
2007
------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to subscribe or
unsubscribe etc. easily, just see the "housekeeping" section at the
bottom of this message before the sig.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crip Humor ~ By and For the Severely
Euphemized
"'Dancing With the Stars' is back.
Fifteen million people watched last night. At least 8 million of those
people were watching in hopes that Heather Mills’ artificial leg would
fly off. They say that her biggest threats to the competition are Joey
Fatone and termites."
- Jimmy Kimmel
Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise
ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell
overboard. Immediately there was a man who was a double amputee And a
wheelchair user in the water who rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the
treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that
the disabled man performed such an act of selflessness and bravery.
That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's handicapped hero.
He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few
words.
He said, "First of all, I'd like to
know who dumped me in the big cold drink!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
From
Diana G
form the Washington Post STYLE
section: Sanjaya haircut cut outs!
------------------------------------------------------
Humorscope
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you
will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like
you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least
you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up
behind your head.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Lately you
feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over.
Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) An old
nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, "Giggles."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Small
fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their
way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are
furniture.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today will
be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing
price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is
one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression
-- so you should definitely get it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Crisply salute everyone you meet today. They'll all be startled into
saluting back, and then they'll feel like idiots. You should then smile
charmingly at them, and saunter off.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you
know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp,
and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever
doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on
their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough,
I should think, for your efforts.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Beware of Doug. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will
read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming,
which will change your life.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you
don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some
small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to
the tip of your nose.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that
simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in
your wallet.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Chaos
will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus
full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the
way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass
of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually
they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, _The New York
Times_, 1960
------------------------------------------------
Spring Breack back in Minnwsota
------------------------------------------------------------
From Ernie
A 2006 study found that the average American
walks about 900 miles a year!
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The REAL reason for Global Warming
-------------------------------------------------------
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...And that's when I shot the little bastard.
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...And that's when I shot the little bastard.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Atheist talking to Christian: "You know,
you Christians have a special day for everything. You celebrate
Christmas, Easter and every Sunday. I think atheist should have a
special day too."
"You're right," the Christian agreed. "Atheist need a day to celebrate who they are, and I have just the day in mind. It is custom made for you."
"Really? What day is that?"
"April 1st."
"You're right," the Christian agreed. "Atheist need a day to celebrate who they are, and I have just the day in mind. It is custom made for you."
"Really? What day is that?"
"April 1st."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our chain of travel agencies was small but growing. As office manager, I often got complaints from staff members who deplored the demise of our family oriented operation and the impending arrival of Big Brother.
Our chain of travel agencies was small but growing. As office manager, I often got complaints from staff members who deplored the demise of our family oriented operation and the impending arrival of Big Brother.
Then a computer memo from the home office
informed us that we all had been assigned employee numbers. We were to
use them instead of names in correspondence or telephone communication
with the company.
"This is the last straw!" said an exasperated
worker. "We've finally been reduced to a number!" commented
another.
One employee, however, read on. Imagine
our delight when she discovered, at the end of the memo, this
message: "In our book, you're all Number One. Happy April Fools'
Day!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
[Ref. Fair Use ]
Group addresses:
Subscribe
Unsubscribe
List Owner
-------------------------------------------------------
"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." - Aesop
Home is where the grab bars are.