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Today
is Monday, April 16,
the 106th
day of 2007. There are 259 to go. The Sun is at 26 Aries The moon is waning.
Wadda ya kno -
Friday the 13th actually came on a Friday this month
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If you want to search for anything sent in the last couple of years, read some jokes, or see what the weather is like here, try the web site:
<a href=" http://home.att.net/~martysjokes/index.html "> Joke Site</a>
You can even check out any Amber Alerts.
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, or see the Fair Use disclaimer, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
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This is cool. Just go here and click on any
black spaces
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HOW TO
STAY YOUNG (George Carlin)
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name
is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether
it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to
a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured
by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our
breath away I
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DISCOVERED BY A NUN GRADING PAPERS
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING
HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE,
GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH
OFF.
>2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM
AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND
ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT
DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND
THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC
GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET
HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH
THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA
WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY
INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN
THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO
GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE
TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU
SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED
CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF
GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE
IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS
SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF
PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONEOF DAVIDS SONS, HAD
300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER
OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE
EAST SIDE ARRIVED, THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD
AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED
WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE,
WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO
EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE
FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD
WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE
APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST.
MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY,
HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE
SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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From
Ernie
Garden
Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A
couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.
It
turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw
it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The
husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
sofa.
He
got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that
time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought
the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His
wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him
to lie still and called an ambulance.
The
attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on
the stretcher and started carrying him out
About
that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's
when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The
wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on
a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with
a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided
it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But
while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
rushed back under the sofa.
The
neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.
The
neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking
him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The
noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying
on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had
been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By
now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about
to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened
over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took
away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now,
the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the
leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered
and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The
other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it
and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile,
the burning drapes were seen by neighbors who called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they
were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
wires and put out the power and disconnected the telephones in a
ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time
passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
right with their world.
A
while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they
should bring in their plants for the night.
And
that's when he shot her.
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that's all there is, move along please ....
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Res ipsa loquitur, sed quid in infernos dicet?
Home is where the grab bars are.