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Today
is Friday, April 13,
the 101st day of 2007. There
are 266
to go. The Sun is at 23 Aries The moon is waning.
Wadda ya kno - Friday the 13th actually
came on a Friday this month
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If you want to search for anything sent in the last couple of years, read some jokes, or see what the weather is like here, try the web site:
<a href=" http://home.att.net/~martysjokes/index.html "> Joke Site</a>
You can even check out any Amber Alerts.
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, or see the Fair Use disclaimer, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
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Ahh, Global Warming in April in Milwaukee. 7" of
it.
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The
following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a real-life
newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first
day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707
after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY
Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should
have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask
for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 PM."
WEDNESDAY
Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified
ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones
has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and
ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY
Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it.
Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my
housekeeper but she quit!
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A
Maxine for the ladies
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Imus's
loss ...... some entrepreneur's gain ...........
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Political,
but funny
Senate
Democrats want the "missing" emails of the Bush Administration.
Craig
Livingstone has them in the White House and they are right next to the
"Whitewater files".
Just
look under the 800 secret FBI files the Clintons obtained from the FBI
illegally.
Send
Mrs. Clinton into the White House to "find" those missing emails.
Problem
solved.
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HEART
ATTACK PROCEDURE": (THIS IS NOT A JOKE!)
People should
know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm
hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line. You may never have
the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and
intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a
heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up.
The
pain in the jaw happened to me and woke me from a sound sleep. I was
one of the fortunate ones. Trust me when I tell you its pain unlike
anything you've ever experienced before. Given a choice between natural
child birth and a heart attack, pain-wise, it's much easier to have a
baby.
Let's
be careful and be aware.. The more we know, the better chance we could
survived...
A
cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people,
you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. Read this... It
could save your life!!
Let's
say it's 6.15 pm and you're driving home (alone of course), after an
unusually hard day on the job. You're tired, upset and frustrated.
Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts
to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about
five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't
know if you'll be able to make it that far. You have been trained in
CPR, but the guy that taught the course did not tell you how to perform
it on yourself.
"HOW
TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE":
Since
many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, without help,
the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel
faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness.
However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and
very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and
the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from
deep inside the chest.
A
breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without
let-up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating
normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing
movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating The
squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In
this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many
other people as possible about this. It could save their lives!! "
**PLEASE
BE A "TRUE" FRIEND AND SEND THIS ARTICLE TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CARE
ABOUT
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Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened." Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute."
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.
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GREAT
TRUTHS KIDS HAVE LEARNED
No
matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When
your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If
your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
Never
ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You
can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't
sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies
still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.
Never
hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School
lunches stick to the wall.
You
can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't
wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The
best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
GREAT
TRUTHS ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you
take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes
of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make
the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
Carsickness is the feeling you get when the
monthly car payment is due.
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a
few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the
inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for
the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves
completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all
the facts.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to
tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
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OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
--Woody Allen
Home is where the grab bars are.