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Today
is Thursday, April 12,
the 100th day of 2007. There are 265 to go. The Sun is
at 22 Aries The moon is waning.
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My Greatest Sin
Three nuns on a train had been getting
to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest
sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go
out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money
I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin
is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out
drinking for a solid week." The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come
on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin
is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."
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What do you call a mother cow that lost her calf?"
Decafinated"
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Decafinated"
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From
Ernie
This
is so sad.
Tom
G. says: Sex is detailed in 7 ways but since we are on Social Security
we need only to read number 7!
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf
Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both
have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen
Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and
you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom
Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your
sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway
Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When
you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called:
Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex,
which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex
- Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to
live on.
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From Amy
Please sign the petition and support
Dog who, despite how you might feel about him personally, has become a
political prisoner:
Sign here:
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"In a
new interview with George Michael announced that despite repeated
requests, he will never be part of a reunion with the '80s group Wham!.
In case you're curious, the repeated requests all come from the other
guys in Wham!."
-
Conan O'Brien
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"Charles
Simonyi became the latest billionaire to go into space with the
Russians. He's Martha Stewart's boyfriend, this guy. If I was Martha
Stewart's boyfriend I'd be going too."
-
Craig Ferguson
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"Only
eight episodes of 'The Sopranos' left, so after that we'll have to get
all of our televised violence from 'The View'."
-
Jimmy Kimmel
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Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I Can
Say Now That I've Won The Masters
10. I'm going to spend
the prize money on Mountain Dew and beef jerky.
9. I once beat a caddy
to death with a 7-iron.
8. It's so weird
— before this
weekend, I'd never broken 100.
7. The jacket's OK,
but I'm most excited to win the "World's Greatest Golfer" key chain.
6. Even I've never
heard of me.
5. If you like
golf, you'll love the sleek looks and smooth handling of the 2007
Volkswagen Golf Sedan — I just made 50 grand.
4. I just wrote down
"3" for every hole. Nobody checked.
3. Maybe I can parlay
this into an appearance on "Dancing With The Stars".
2. It's a magical
week: first I win the Masters, and now I get to tell lame jokes on a
third-rate talk show.
1. Thanks to global
warming, next year I'm playing without pants.
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A contestant on "Who
Wants to Be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she
answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she
answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected it
would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover: Which of the
following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead
lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?
The woman was on the
spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot
because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll
Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the
woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because
the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend
and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded
unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to
make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse
strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had
given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem
to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had
responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant
could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis.
"C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final
answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final
answer."
Two seconds later,
Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is ... absolutely
correct. You are now a millionaire!"
A few days later, the
contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the
blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do
not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your
knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.
And do you want to
know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the
question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did
you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said
the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live
in clocks."
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A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters
became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took
them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's
prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked
all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody.
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OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
--Woody Allen
Home is where the grab bars are.