My Home Pages
Joke Main
For a subscription
Today
is Monday, March 5,
the 64th day of 2007. There are 301 to go. The Sun is at 14-15 Pisces The moon is
waxing.
----------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
----------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Daily Humorscope
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets
out alive anyways.
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will
be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant
tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It will
turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually
one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an
actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will go
to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun
throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up
rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll
say.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your next
fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"
Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's time to
stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental
shrubbery.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You
might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden
stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) The
mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be
prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a
large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine
should help).
Sagittarius (November 22 - December
21) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've
been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good!
Me Like Happy!"
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas
accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to
others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to
the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today
you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage,
fortunately.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
A Fred-On-Everything
Their Own Self
FRED Columns
Reflections of a Misplaced Pagan
Somebody Screwed Up the Chronology
Last night the wind blew steady and cool from over the lake,
though spring is upon us. A full moon cast sharp moon shadows over the
jungled tangle that is our garden. We have a new pup, a street dog that
my daughter persuaded us to adopt. She whuffled in the undergrowth as
dogs ought, all curiosity and pointed ears. Beyond the stone wall the
hills loomed huge and close. They glowed in the radiance like tidal
waves from the end of the world.
It was lovely, but it
won’t last. Already visitation with the moon is possible only late at
night. Then the young bucks of the town have ceased driving about with
rap music on oversized speakers. A new house goes up closer to the
hills. In a few years there will be no wildness. There will be sirens
and street lights and motors.
Somehow this is not where
I belong, though mysteriously I am here anyway. I seem to have missed
my proper century by a couple of millennia. I don’t understand life
today, have little in common with the people who shape it. To me
humanity, like government, is best when there is least of it.
But in this I am at odds
with the times. I do not care about gross national product or the
terrible need to manufacture things that could not be sold without
force-feed advertising. Everywhere I read that we must have economic
growth. Why, I wonder? Do we not have enough? I don’t belong here.
I remember the
southwestern deserts when I crossed them with my parents as a child,
great sprawling silences with the saguaro standing, arms uplifted to an
immense sky, as if waiting for something. The roads were narrow then,
people scarce. Later I hitchhiked the same roads become interstates,
intrusions on the landscape, carrying people in air-conditioned
isolation who cared nothing for those gorgeous wastes. Now, everywhere,
suburbs creep outward and homogenized civilization sprouts like mold.
Yes, I understand that we
must keep the population growing so that the economy may expand. We
must breed lest the housing industry suffer, and we must build roads so
that the highway industry may prosper. Without roads there would be no
new suburbs and no malls and no people to buy things. If the population
falls we must import Mexicans or North Africans or somebody because the
purpose of a country is to build suburbs. We must breed so that the
white race will not go extinct under the onrushing Chinese tide. I
know.
No doubt something is
wrong with me. I do not greatly care whether the white race continues,
though I suspect it will, and I would like to see the economy shrink. I
do not belong here.
One night years ago I
dove off Belize on coral luxuriant with sleeping fish and things
hunting. The sea at night is a magnificent place. An otherworldly
silence reigns in the depths, sometimes broken by the click of shrimp.
To hang almost motionless in warm water, rising and falling with your
breath, with nothing but blackness all around except in the beam of a
dive light, watching an arrow crab stalking redly about in the hollow
of a barrel sponge—this always seems to me a sort of privilege, and
something to be preserved. The things that live in the ocean lead their
own strange lives. It is their ocean, not mine. They were here before
we were.
The reefs too are dying,
and will die—though not so much in Belize yet. In Florida the
mangroves, where fish breed, disappear, so that water-front suburbs can
be built, which helps the economy grow. The necessity of this is clear.
The population must increase, so that we can keep up with the Chinese
and save the white race, and purely coincidentally the builders need
customers. I understand. I do not like it.
I have never seen a fish
that did not seem more worthy than a developer of real-estate. Quite
truet: I am wrong-headed, and a wretched Green, and against America and
progress and freedom. So be it.
Recently I drove with
friends from Washington up through rural Maryland, if so it any longer
can be called, and into Pennsylvania. I hadn’t been there for a few
years. The trip was disheartening. In pretty countryside the
subdivisions grew, stamped-out plots of pricey and shoddily built boxes
for the shelter of televisions. From these people will commute long
distances to Washington. Perhaps they deserve it.
I understand that people
want these things. Still, soon there will be nothing but ugliness. Only
crackpots and eco-terrorists will notice, I suppose. The eyesore is not
an economically recognized entity, whereas the building of them
provides jobs and profits and helps us fend off the Chinese. Build we
will.
So many pretty little
towns there are in the region, Harpers Ferry, Boiling Springs,
Gettysburg. Just outside, the shopping centers pop up, subdivisions
with names like Brookdale Manors and Manor Brook Dales. Tourism has
made Harpers Ferry into a theme park; you have to park outside and
enter the town on a bus with a recording that tells you things you
hadn’t asked about.
Something is wrong with
me. I cannot understand why people don’t keep their numbers down and
live in delightful towns like Boiling Springs. I do not understand
economic growth. I for one, and I sometimes think I am the only one, am
content with books, music, horses, dogs, fishing, the internet, and
broad countryside where one may enjoy the wind and rain. I do not want
more of what I don’t want any of at all.
Perhaps you are a
believer in headlong progress and growth and more of this and more of
that and more of everything. If so, please do not write to tell me that
I am a threat to whatever it is I am a threat to. I am not. I am just a
misplaced man grumbling to himself. You have won. The hell with it.
I might have preferred
Greek times, when humanity was a small speck in a large world. Or
perhaps Rome of the first century, with more order but man still not a
spreading uncontrolled blight. Those horrible mid-eastern religions had
not yet raised their grim and censorious heads, and one might still
worship a sacred grove, or the statue of a goddess, or the moon. Capri
was yet a lovely place, with misted peaks on a blue bay, not yet
carpeted in tour buses and fat people from Rhode Island.
Meanwhile for a few hours
in the night I listen to the wind and still see stars, though soon
progress will come and they will dim in the smoke.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote of the Day...
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Source Unknown
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Dublin pub con
Kev and Squiffy go down to the pub to celebrate Kev's
impending marriage. Squiff says, "I bet I can get us some free
drinks. Just watch this."
He goes up to the publican and asks him, "Excuse me, but are there two or four pints in a quart?"
The publican replies, "Two pints." "Thanks", says Squiff.
They then take a seat at a table in a corner of the room, and collar a passing barmaid. "Two pints of The Gargle, luv (Guiness), and they're on the house", says Squiff, winking at the bemused Kev.
The barmaid is doubtful of them knowing the publican that well, so Squiff waves to him and yells, "You said two pints, right?"
"That's right," says the barman. "two pints".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of
pigeons in Phoenix. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the
city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix
couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a
fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor
a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons
without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any
questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one
question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall,
opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in
the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons
in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue
pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew
southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned
completely alone to the man atop City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and
the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid
Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon
had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million
dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask
and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city
of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE
question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask
his question.
The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Congresscritter?"
(Substitute congresscritter
for any other group you like.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Ernie
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking
up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be
pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present
for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's
marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came
bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left
for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the
office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't
need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded, "I guess
not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday
cake
..
..
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy
Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Are You Interested in Making $$$$ Fast?
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is
nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it
now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.
1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
As supposedly reported on CNN:
Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's
daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited"
(i. e. expected to attend).
The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender,
and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P.
O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full
ceremony, including the dancing afterward.
The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took
their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I
Fought The Law, And The Law Won".
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
A Q and A
Q. If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is
on the outside?
A. K9P.
---------------------------------------------------------------
At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.
---------------------------------------------------------------
At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.
The clerk thought a
moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three hockey fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three hockey fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out.
Out of
respect for the lady, the Calgary fan took off his cap and placed it
over her right breast. The Vancouver fan took off his cap and placed it
over her left breast. Following their lead, the Leaf fan took off his
cap and placed it over her crotch.
The
police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Calgary cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some notes. Next, he lifted the Vancouver cap, replaced it, and
wrote down some more notes.
The
officer then lifted the Leaf cap, replaced it, then lifted it again,
replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Leaf
fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or
something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
" Well, "
said the officer. " I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under
an Toronto Maple Leaf's hat, I find an ass-hole."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In the 1980s capitalism triumphed over communism. In the 1990s it triumphed over democracy."
- David Korten (1937-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In the 1980s capitalism triumphed over communism. In the 1990s it triumphed over democracy."
- David Korten (1937-)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
-----------------------------------------------
Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is
stuff that's
merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible,
attribution is
given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at
all,
is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't
handwrite) are
sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be
there,
should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way,
please let me
know by simply writing
to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following
notice is
included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107,
any
copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without
profit
or payment..
[Ref. Fair
Use
]
Group addresses:
Subscribe
Unsubscribe
List Owner
-------------------------------------------------------
"I like
pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as
equals."
--Winston Churchill
Home is where the grab bars are.