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Today
is Tuesday, March 27, the 86th day of 2007. There
are 279 to go. The Sun is at 6 Aries The moon is waning.
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Some
religious light-bulb jokes
How
Many Does It Take?
A
sampling of the best lightbulb jokes:
Q.
How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Seven. One to change the lightbulb, one to say the opening prayer, one to say the closing prayer, and four to bring green Jell-o salads and red punch.
A. Seven. One to change the lightbulb, one to say the opening prayer, one to say the closing prayer, and four to bring green Jell-o salads and red punch.
Q.
How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We can't know.
A. We can't know.
Q.
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One to do it, and every other one on earth to stand around saying that they did it first in the 80's.
A. One to do it, and every other one on earth to stand around saying that they did it first in the 80's.
Q.
How many deists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. If the light bulb no longer interferes with the world, why bother interfering with the light bulb?
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A. None. If the light bulb no longer interferes with the world, why bother interfering with the light bulb?
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Today's
Birthdays
On this day:
On this day:
Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Mo Ostin is 80. (Born 1927) As an executive for Warner Brothers Records from the early 1960s into the 1990s, Ostin was a key figure in the careers of such acts as Fleetwood Mac, the Grateful Dead, James Taylor, and Neil Young.
Russian
cellist and conductor Mstislav Rostropovitch is 80. (Born 1927)
NASCAR
great Cale Yarborough is 68. (Born 1939) In his career he racked up 83
NASCAR Winston Cup victories, and won the Daytona 500 four times.
Actor
Michael York is 65. (Born 1942) His credits include the films "Logan's
Run," "Murder on the Orient Express," and the "Austin Powers" movies.
Genesis
keyboardist Tony Banks is 57. (Born 1950)
Actress
Maria Schneider is 55. (Born 1952) Her credits include the movies "Jane
Eyre," "Something to Believe In," and "Last Tango in Paris."
INXS
keyboardist Andy Farriss is 48. (Born 1959)
Academy
Award-winning screenwriter Quentin Tarantino is 44. (Born 1963) He won
the Oscar for the movie "Pulp Fiction." His other credits include the
"Kill Bill" movies, the films "Jackie Brown," "Little Nicky," and
"Reservoir Dogs," and the upcoming movie "Grindhouse."
Former
football star Randall Cunningham is 44. (Born 1963)
Jazz
saxophonist Dave Koz is 44. (Born 1963)
Pop
singer Mariah Carey is 37. (Born 1970)
Musician
Brendan Hill is 37. (Born 1970) He is a member of the group Blues
Traveler.
Singer
Fergie is 32. (Born 1975) Born Stacy Ann Ferguson, she's a member of
the group Black Eyed Peas.
Actress
Emily Ann Lloyd is 24. (Born 1983) Her credits include the movies
"Kindergarten Cop" and "Apollo 13" and the TV series "Knots Landing"
and "Something So Right."
Actress
Taylor Atelian is 12. (Born 1995) She plays the part of Ruby on
"According to Jim."
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Oh he
evils of di-hydrogen monoxide
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From
Ernie
Bubba
and Ray (Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a
flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We're
supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, " But we
don't have a ladder."
The
woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the
pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Bubba and Junior are currently doing
government work supervising the reconstruction of them New Orleans
Levees.
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From
Pat O'C
Why Men are Better Friends
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's
house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one
night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a
friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he
was still there.
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**
WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF **
Amnesia?...What
did you just ask me?
Apathy?...I
don't care.
Bigotry?...I'm
not going to tell someone like you.
Egotistical?...I'm
the best person to answer that question.
Evasive?...Go
do your homework.
Flatulent?...That
question really stinks!
Ignorance?...I
don't know.
Indifference?...It
doesn't matter.
Influenza?...You've
got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insomnia?...I
stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Irreverent?...I
swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Narcissism?...Before
I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Over-Protective?...I
don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Paranoid?...You
probably think I don't know the answer, do you?
Procrastination?...I'll
tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive?...I
already told you the answer once before.
Self-Centered?...Well,
I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Suspicious?...Why
are you asking me all these questions?
---------------------------------------------------
From
Ernie
A
list like this went around a couple of years ago. Here are some
more to add to your collecition.
Ern
Ern
All of these are legitimate companies
that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names
might appear ... and be misread.
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. Who Represents is where you can
find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their
Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com
www.whorepresents.com
2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge
base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further
than Pen Island at:
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist
Finder at:
5. There's the Italian Power Generator
company :
6. And don't forget the Mole Station
Native Nursery in New South Wales :
http://www.molestationnursery.com/
http://www.molestationnursery.com/
7. If you're looking for IP computer
software, there's always :
http://www.ipanywhere.com/
http://www.ipanywhere.com/
8 . And the designers at Speed of Art
await you at their wacky Web site :
http://www.speedofart.com/
http://www.speedofart.com/
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Night of the living roach
By DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 9, 1995.)
By DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 9, 1995.)
Today I wish to present further evidence that
the scientific community has completely lost its mind.
Exhibit A is an article that appeared recently
on the front page of The New York Times (motto: ``Even We Don't Read
The Whole Thing''). The article concerns a scientist named Dr. Raul J.
Cano, who got hold of a bee that died 30 million years ago and was
preserved in amber. Now here is the difference between a scientist and
a sane lay person such as yourself: If YOU came across a bee that had
been dead for 30 million years, your natural, common-sense reaction
would be to stomp on it, just in case, then maybe use it as part of a
prank involving a salad bar. But that was not Dr. Cano's scientific
reaction. His reaction-and remember, this story comes from The New York
Times, which never makes anything up-was to extract some really old
dead germs from the bee's stomach AND BRING THEM BACK TO LIFE.
Yes. Does this make ANY sense to you? I mean,
don't we already have ENOUGH live germs in this world, causing disease,
B.O. and really implausible movies starring Dustin Hoffman? Do we lay
persons not spend billions of dollars per year on antibiotics,
Listerine, Right Guard and Ty-D-Bol for the specific purpose of KILLING
germs?
According to The Times, the scientific community
is all excited about Dr. Cano's revived bee-stomach germs. Apparently
the scientific community has never seen ''The Mummy,''
''Frankenstein,'' ''Night of the Living Dead Bacteria'' or any of the
numerous other reputable motion pictures depicting the bad things that
inevitably happen when some fool brings a dead organism back to life.
You wait. One of these nights, Dr. Cano's germs are going to escape
from their petri dishes and start creeping forward, zombie-like, with
their little bacterial arms sticking straight out in front of them, and
heaven help the laboratory security guard who stands in their way.
(''What's wrong, Bob?'' ``I don't know! I have the weirdest feeling
something's trying to eat my toe!'')
At this point you are saying, ``OK, so this one
scientist is perhaps a few ice cubes short of a tray. But he's probably
just an isolated example.''
You wish. I have here another New York Times
story, sent in by many alert readers, concerning scientists who have
figured out how to -- get ready -- GROW EXTRA EYES ON FLIES. Yes. The
story states that, by messing around with genes, the scientists have
produced flies with ''as many as 14 eyes apiece'' in various locations
-- ``on their wings, on their legs, on the tips of their antennae.''
On behalf of normal humans everywhere, let me
just say: Great! Just what we need! Flies that can see EVEN BETTER! As
I write these words, I am unwillingly sharing my lunch with a regular,
non-improved fly, which is having no trouble whatsoever seeing well
enough to keep an eye on me while it walks around on my peanut-butter
sandwich. Whenever I try to whap it, the fly instantly zooms out of
reach, buzzing its wings to communicate, in fly language, the concept
of ``neener neener.''
Not that it would do me any good to kill it; Dr.
Raul J. Cano would probably just bring it back to life.
Speaking of insects, I have here a column from
the spring issue of American Entomologist magazine, sent in by alert
reader Jackie Simons and written by May Berenbaum, who discusses a
University of Illinois entomology professor who has -- you are not
going to believe this, but I'm going to tell you anyway -- ``pioneered
the design and use of artificial limbs for cockroaches.''
Naturally, I had to call this professor, whose
name is Fred Delcomyn. He freely admitted to me that he has, indeed,
fitted cockroaches with tiny artificial limbs made from toothpicks.
He's trying to figure out exactly how cockroaches move -- in stark
contrast to us normal, non-scientist, sane people, who would like to
figure out exactly how to make cockroaches STOP moving, so we could hit
them with hammers.
But here's the truly alarming thing: Delcomyn,
as part of his research, wants to BUILD A ROBOT COCKROACH. In fact, he
has already built one that's a foot-and-a-half long (''not too big,
compared to your Florida roaches,'' he noted, correctly). But his plan
is to build a bigger one, a robot cockroach that will be FOUR FEET LONG.
When will these scientists ever learn? We know
what's going to happen! We've seen this movie! Everything will be fine
at first, with the robot roach doing exactly what the scientists want
it to. But then one night, after the scientists have left the
laboratory, there will be a lightning storm, and extra electricity will
flow into the roach, and it will COME TO LIFE ON ITS OWN --
FrankenRoach! -- and escape and terrorize the community, smashing its
way into supermarkets, skittering past terrified, screaming shoppers,
seizing entire display racks of Hostess Twinkies.
Oh sure, eventually the Army will come up with a
way to stop it, possibly by constructing a 50-foot-tall can of Raid.
But do we really want to put ourselves through this? Why must
scientists continue to mess with the natural order of things? Why do we
need to create giant cockroaches? We already have the O.J. Simpson
defense team! If you are as concerned about these issues as I am, I
urge you to take action TODAY in the form of doubling your medication
dosage. Also you are welcome to this sandwich.
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OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
Housekeeping:
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Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
- Dogbyte
Home is where the grab bars are.