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Today
is Tuesday, March 20,
the 79th day of 2007. There are 286 to go. The Sun is
at 29 Pisces-0 Aries The moon is waning.
The Vernal Equinox (for the Northern Hemisphere) occurs just after
midnight GMT but 4 or more hrs. earlier in the US.
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If you want to search for anything sent in the last couple of years, read some jokes, or see what the weather is like here, try the web site:
<a href=" http://home.att.net/~martysjokes/index.html "> Joke Site</a>
You can even check out any Amber Alerts.
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
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From
Bob H.
Bill Gates decides to organize an
enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe.
The 5000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the
candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian.
Bill Gates thanks all the
candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know JAVA
program language rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room.
Maurice Cohen says to himself - "I do not know this language but what
have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".
Bill Gates asks all the
candidates that those who have never had experience of team management
of more than 100 people rise and leave. 2000 people rise
and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself - "I have never
managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What
can happen to me"? So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asks all the
candidates who do not have excellent management diplomas to rise and
leave. 500 people rise and leave the room.
Maurice Cohen says to himself -
"I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays
in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of
the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and
leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself -
"I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! - have I got anything to
lose?" So he stays in the room. He finds himself alone with one other
candidate - everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joins them and says:
"Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian,
so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in
that language!
Calmly Maurice turns to
the other candidate and says to him: "Baroukh ata Adonaï ".
The other candidate answers: "Elohénou melekh haolam ."
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The other candidate answers: "Elohénou melekh haolam ."
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A
husband and wife were resting on a beach when they noticed a girl with
a travel bag. She would approach people with boom boxes and other
electronic devices and speak to them. Occasionally she would hand them
something and walk off.
"She's
probably selling drugs," said the woman.
The
man decided to see for himself. The wife watched as her husband walked
across the beach to the girl with the travel bag. They spoke briefly,
and then her husband returned.
"Is
she selling drugs," asked the Wife anxiously?
"No,
she's not," replied her Husband. 'She's selling batteries."
"You
don't mean...?"
"Yep,"
finished her husband. "She sells c-cells by the sea shore!"
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One
fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes
into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for
his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his
head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a Leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small Irish parish."
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a Leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small Irish parish."
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From
The Onion
New
Poll Finds 86 Percent Of Americans Don't Want To Have A Country Anymore
WASHINGTON, DC—A Gallup/Harris
Interactive poll released Monday indicates that nearly nine out of 10
Americans are "tired of having a country."
Enlarge Image Chicago commuters, 87
percent of whom just don't care anymore. Among the 86 percent of poll
respondents who were in favor of discontinuing the nation, the most
frequently cited reasons were a lack of significant results from the
current democratic process (36 percent), dissatisfaction with customer
service (28 percent), and exhaustion (22 percent).
"I don't want to get bogged down in
the country anymore," Wilmington, DE accountant Karie Ashworth said.
"I'm not up in arms or anything, I'm just saying it'd be a lot easier
for everyone if we just gave it up."
Of those who were against maintaining
an American nation, 77 percent said they believe that having a country
is "counter to the best interests of Americans." Twelve percent said
"the time and effort citizens spend on the country could be better
spent elsewhere," and 8 percent said they just didn't care.
Roughly 3 percent said we ceased to
have a country years ago, and explained that they had been stockpiling
weapons to protect their independent compounds.
According to study organizer David
Griffith, poll respondents were surprisingly uniform in their opinion
that the nation is too much of a hassle.
"I already belong to a health club, a
church, and the Kiwanis Club," Tammy Golden of Los Angeles wrote. "I'm
a member of the Von's Grocery Super Savers, which gets me a discount on
certain groceries. These are all well-managed organizations with real
benefits. None of them send me a confusing bill once a year and make me
work it out myself, then throw me in jail if I get it wrong."
Olympia, WA student Helen Berg
expressed frustration with the country's voting process.
"I was gonna vote, but it rained,"
Berg wrote. "It wasn't for the president anyway, so what difference
does it make? The president is the only one that matters, and you don't
even get to vote for him."
Most citizens said they did not wish
to abandon such American traditions as parades, fireworks, and national
holidays.
"I'm for saluting flags and pledging
allegiance to them, but nothing beyond that," Tampa, FL mechanic and
former Marine Doug Pauls said. "I like singing the anthem before the
game, but I can't keep up with the news every day. I have three kids."
Pauls added: "I love America, but
what's that got to do with having a country?"
Some critics, including the leadership
of both parties, have attacked the methodology of the poll, saying that
questions like "Do you want a country anymore?" are poorly worded.
Casey Mark, a fellow at the Brookings Institute, characterized the
question as leading.
Said Mark: "What you must consider is
that respondents often don't have the time or energy to devote to
answering five questions about their country, which they consider
themselves to be remotely involved with, at best."
Griffith pointed to Cheyenne, WY
banker Jeff Wheldon's response.
"I think we've come far enough as a
nation that we don't need to have one anymore," Wheldon wrote. "It's
not like we're Somalia, where the warlords run everything, or Russia,
where it's all organized crime. We've had over 200 years of being
Americans. I don't think we still need the United States of America to
show us how to do it."
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Bra
Sizes Explained
Have
you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure
out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A}
Almost boobs...
{B}
Barely there {
(C}
Can't complain!
{D}
Dang!
{DD}
Double dang!
{E}
Enormous!
{F}
Fake
{G}
Get a Reduction
{H}
Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
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"My
wife's found the best method of birth control... She takes off her
make-up." -Rodney Dangerfield
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Todays
Groaner (for Howard, eh?)
A vet
was performing an operation, trying to revive an injured baldeagle,
when he was overcome with dizziness and spasms. He was unable to
recover and complete the surgery before the eagle died. Unfortunately,
he then had to be prosecuted under the 4th Amendment of the US
Constitution:
Ill
eagle surgeon seizure.
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OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
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"Experience
is a great advantage. The problem is that when you get the experience,
you're too damned old to do anything about it."
- Jimmy Conners
Home is where the grab bars are.