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Today
is Friday, March 16, the 75th day of 2007. There are 290
to go. The Sun is at 25-26 Pisces The moon is waning.
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Jewish Mother's Answering Machine
If you want varnishkas, dial 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
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Reality Has Finally Set In.....
A priest was given the job of hearing the confessions of an order of monks. The priest returned to his parish that night and complained to one of the nuns about how long each of the monks took to enumerate all of their sins.
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Today's Birthdays:
1787 - Georg Simon Ohm physicist (discovered Ohm's Law)
1836 - Andrew S Hallidie inventor of the cable car
1884 - Harrison Ford silent screen actor (Just Married, Vanity Fair) (The star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame that many attribute to the current Harrison Ford actually belongs to this fellow.)
1926 - Jerry Lewis [Joseph Levitch] entertainer/fund raiser (MDA), beloved in France
Historic Happenings:
1850 - Nathaniel Hawthorne's "Scarlet Letter" published (And this tight-lipped, moralistic little tome has been plaguing high school students for over 150 years now.)
1871 - The first US state fertilizer law (Chap. 35) was enacted in Delaware. This law requoired that dealers in fertilizers should "state what they sell, and sell what they state."
1910 - Barney Oldfield sets land speed record of 131.7 mph at Daytona
1912 - Mrs William Howard Taft plants the first cherry tree in Washington DC
1926 - Robert Goddard launches the first liquid fuel rocket, goes 184' (56 meter)
1945 - US defeats Japan at Iwo Jima
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Today's Birthdays:
1787 - Georg Simon Ohm physicist (discovered Ohm's Law)
1836 - Andrew S Hallidie inventor of the cable car
1884 - Harrison Ford silent screen actor (Just Married, Vanity Fair) (The star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame that many attribute to the current Harrison Ford actually belongs to this fellow.)
1926 - Jerry Lewis [Joseph Levitch] entertainer/fund raiser (MDA), beloved in France
Historic Happenings:
1850 - Nathaniel Hawthorne's "Scarlet Letter" published (And this tight-lipped, moralistic little tome has been plaguing high school students for over 150 years now.)
1871 - The first US state fertilizer law (Chap. 35) was enacted in Delaware. This law requoired that dealers in fertilizers should "state what they sell, and sell what they state."
1910 - Barney Oldfield sets land speed record of 131.7 mph at Daytona
1912 - Mrs William Howard Taft plants the first cherry tree in Washington DC
1926 - Robert Goddard launches the first liquid fuel rocket, goes 184' (56 meter)
1945 - US defeats Japan at Iwo Jima
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From Teddi
Jewish Mother's Answering Machine
If you want varnishkas, dial 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
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Reality Has Finally Set In.....
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may
not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So
if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to
do it.
4. Everyone seems normal until you get
to know them.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you
can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you pass
gas.
7. Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water
with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're
alive, try missing couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you
should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never
see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't
have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some
days you are the windshield.
16. There comes a time when you should
stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your
birthday...around age 11.
17. Good judgement comes from bad
experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your
money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the "Force". It
has a light side and dark side and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing
with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't
learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't
get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut
up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry
and get slapped on our butts.....then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between
"hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody
will find a way to take it "WAY" too seriously.
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The
Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and then supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners.
REINTARNATION
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
FOREPLOY
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
GIRAFFITI
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
SARCHASM
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
INOCULATTE
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
HIPATITIS
Terminal coolness.
Terminal coolness.
OSTEOPORNOSIS
A degenerate disease.
A degenerate disease.
KARMAGEDDON
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
GLIBIDO
All talk and no action.
All talk and no action.
DOPELER
EFFECT
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
INTAXICATION
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
IGNORANUS
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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A
Urologist's License Plate
2 P C ME
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Scientists
Discover Enormously Long Sentence
CONSTANT
WIND, ND ( AheadOfNews.com ) -
Scientists in a top secret government laboratory here in the northernmost extremities of the U.S. portion of the Great Plains, best known for its cereal grains, incessant wind, and unbearable winters, today announced, without any of the usual preliminary fanfare and trumpeting by scientific public relations wonks, the discovery by a highly trained and heavily bearded group of chemists, biologists, physicists, astronomers, and writers of some of the world's most ridiculous and occasionally gross and insulting satires, of what they claim to be, notwithstanding counterclaims by scientists and satirists in Poland who claim to have discovered an even bigger one, or parodists, not well-tolerated by their more-or-less totalitarian or at least highly authoritarian government, in China (the mainland, that is, not Taiwan or Hong Kong or even little reed-covered islands whose names have been temporarily misplaced) the world's longest, measured in inches or centimeters, whichever you prefer, sentence, which, as informed figures in certain important departments of the Federal government have been assuring everyone, contains nothing particularly useful or interesting that could be recorded in history books and studied many years hence by small children or perhaps memorized by them and recited in class to their peers and even their mothers and fathers if they care to attend on one of those days like Helpful Grandparents Day when all of the aged grandparental units are supposed to go to the elementary school in the middle of the morning and look famously wise, grizzled, and proud, especially of their clean, shiny, hopping-up-and-down grandchildren and the fact that these very same grandchildren grasp the basic concepts of elementary algebra even though they are required by the state at this age merely to be able to count to 10 and, in reading class as opposed to math class, to read words with not very many letters in them, like the word "stop."
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Scientists in a top secret government laboratory here in the northernmost extremities of the U.S. portion of the Great Plains, best known for its cereal grains, incessant wind, and unbearable winters, today announced, without any of the usual preliminary fanfare and trumpeting by scientific public relations wonks, the discovery by a highly trained and heavily bearded group of chemists, biologists, physicists, astronomers, and writers of some of the world's most ridiculous and occasionally gross and insulting satires, of what they claim to be, notwithstanding counterclaims by scientists and satirists in Poland who claim to have discovered an even bigger one, or parodists, not well-tolerated by their more-or-less totalitarian or at least highly authoritarian government, in China (the mainland, that is, not Taiwan or Hong Kong or even little reed-covered islands whose names have been temporarily misplaced) the world's longest, measured in inches or centimeters, whichever you prefer, sentence, which, as informed figures in certain important departments of the Federal government have been assuring everyone, contains nothing particularly useful or interesting that could be recorded in history books and studied many years hence by small children or perhaps memorized by them and recited in class to their peers and even their mothers and fathers if they care to attend on one of those days like Helpful Grandparents Day when all of the aged grandparental units are supposed to go to the elementary school in the middle of the morning and look famously wise, grizzled, and proud, especially of their clean, shiny, hopping-up-and-down grandchildren and the fact that these very same grandchildren grasp the basic concepts of elementary algebra even though they are required by the state at this age merely to be able to count to 10 and, in reading class as opposed to math class, to read words with not very many letters in them, like the word "stop."
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Amish Spring Break Activities for Wild Teenagers
The annual Wet Bonnet Contest.
Buttermilk kegger.
Blowin' past the Dairy Queen on a really smokin' Clydesdale.
Getting tattoo ~~~> "Born to Raise Barns"
Cruise city streets shouting insults at people with zippers.
Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
Churn butter in short sleeves
Buttermilk kegger.
Blowin' past the Dairy Queen on a really smokin' Clydesdale.
Getting tattoo ~~~> "Born to Raise Barns"
Cruise city streets shouting insults at people with zippers.
Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
Churn butter in short sleeves
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Ffrom
Li'l Bit, Spooky, Nikki and Sunny
A Cat's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for the toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back.
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule.
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!
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A priest was given the job of hearing the confessions of an order of monks. The priest returned to his parish that night and complained to one of the nuns about how long each of the monks took to enumerate all of their sins.
"Oh Father," said the nun. "It
couldn't have been that bad."
The priest replied, "Oh it was worse
than you can imagine. It was like being stoned to death with popcorn."
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A group of women were talking
together. One woman said, "Our congregation is sometimes down to
30 or 40 on a Sunday."
Another said, "That's
nothing. Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven."
A maiden lady in her seventies added
her bit, "Why, it's so bad in our church on Sundays that when the
minister says 'dearly beloved,' it makes me blush."
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OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
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Housekeeping:
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merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible,
attribution is
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handwrite) are
sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be
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please let me
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*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107,
any
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"Education
is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you
don't."
- Pete Seeger
Home is where the grab bars are.