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Today
is Thursday, March 15, the 74th
day of 2007. There are 291 to go. The Sun is at 24-25 Pisces The moon is waning.
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If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
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"Last
week NASA fired that crazy astronaut Lisa Nowak. Apparently there was
no place at NASA for an unstable woman. The good news? Today she was
hired as co-host of 'The View.'" -
- Jay
Leno
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"President
is in Mexico today. He's looking for tequila of mass destruction."
--
David Letterman
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"President
Bush visited a Mayan temple this weekend in Guatemala. Afterwards Mayan
leaders performed a cleansing ceremony to clear Bush's bad energy. When
he heard this, Bush got upset and said, "Oh yeah... he who smelt it
dealt it."
--
Conan O'Brien
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Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers
hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for
speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. (By the way,
none of them worked!)
* A man told the officer he was
rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was
allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his
dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a
advanced state of decomposition.
* A man was doing 70 mph on the
shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third
of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car,
brush- ing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette
on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
* A speeder said that he and his wife
were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the
officer. "I have to get home right now."
* An officer stopped a man doing 80
mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit
signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed
them."
* A man going south on I-95 was
stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm
trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good
measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
* "I'm due in traffic court," one
speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
* When an officer told a speeder that
the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver
responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
* One speeder said simply, "I'm trying
to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
* An elderly person was stopped after
doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer,
"Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
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From the
June 5 2006 Late Show with David Letterman, the "Top Ten Surprises in
Al Gore's Global Warming Movie."
10. The role of Al Gore was played by Bruce Willis
9. During summer months, Al and Tipper host nude barbecues
8. Hilarious outtake of Al Gore saying, "Wobal Glarming"
7. It's a musical
6. Refers to Arizona as being "Hotter than Tipper's ass"
5. Claims global warming melted Kenny Rogers' face
4. Blames the crisis on a creepy Albino
3. The scientist who supports all his claims is Al Gore in a mustache
2. Best solution is to contribute heavily to Gore-In-2008.com
1. It felt longer than the Florida recount
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10. The role of Al Gore was played by Bruce Willis
9. During summer months, Al and Tipper host nude barbecues
8. Hilarious outtake of Al Gore saying, "Wobal Glarming"
7. It's a musical
6. Refers to Arizona as being "Hotter than Tipper's ass"
5. Claims global warming melted Kenny Rogers' face
4. Blames the crisis on a creepy Albino
3. The scientist who supports all his claims is Al Gore in a mustache
2. Best solution is to contribute heavily to Gore-In-2008.
1. It felt longer than the Florida recount
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From
Ernie & Tom
Q.
What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I
just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do
all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
A. No. Only those you need.
Q.
Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q.
What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My
pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I
tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What
should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he
can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
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"Education
is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you
don't."
- Pete Seeger
Home is where the grab bars are.