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Today is Friday, February 9, the 40th day of 2007. There are 325 to go. The Sun is at 20 Aquarius.
The moon is waning.
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If you want to search for anything sent in the last couple of years, read some jokes, or see what the weather is like here, try the web site:
<a href=" http://home.att.net/~martysjokes/index.html <http://home.att.net/~martysjokes/index.html> "> Joke Site</a>
You can even check out any Amber Alerts.
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
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One more .. a shirt I'd like to have
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Run this before, but
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing
millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to
have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern
United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists
stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate
heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies
in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as
Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate
it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to
safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being
taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban
cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has
banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for
President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class
stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and
Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250
lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera
with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with
her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining
conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals
violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine
feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be
registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of
formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with
voting machines.
Now, send this to whoever you want to and
as many as you want and guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles,
no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile
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David
Letterman's
Top Ten Signs An Astronaut Is Trying To Kill You
10. Says, "This is a giant leap for mankind as she tosses you off
a bridge
9. You turn on CNN and see the Hubble Telescope focusing on your
house
8. She promises to "Take you out like Pluto"
7. It sounds crazy, but you could swear Mars is following you
6. You were on the "Maury" episode: "I had a booty call and now an
astronaut is trying to kill me"
5. Her previous attempt to kill you had been postponed due to high
winds
4. She poisons your Tang
3. She says she looks forward to being the first to walk on your
lifeless corpse
2. Been getting threatening e-mails from: connie@internationalspacestation.com
1. She keeps stabbing you with a pen that writes upside-down
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When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!
Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???
Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my
life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I
am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.
But not to you.
Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would
leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?
What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were
on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, and
Mississippi)
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(Available only in Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, and
Mississippi)
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"Have you heard about this? This big love
triangle? This woman astronaut was going to kidnap another woman
because they were in love with the same guy, so this woman astronaut
drives 900 miles wearing a wig and a diaper. I wanna tell ya, this is
one giant step for man, one giant leap for the nuthouse."
--David Letterman
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From Ernie
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an
eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or
so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order"
bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom
if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then
asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be
twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
Don't ever underestimate old geezers!
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Old enough for cursing:
Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are
old enough to start cursing.
So they plan to use dirty words the next
morning at breakfast.
The 8-year-old says he'll use the world
HELL and tells the 6-year- old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs
for breakfast.
And when their mother asks them what they
want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and
backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs.
She then turns to the 6-year-old and says,
"What are you going to have?"
He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet
your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is
stuff that's
merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible,
attribution is
given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at
all,
is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't
handwrite) are
sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be
there,
should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way,
please let me
know by simply writing
to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following
notice is
included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107,
any
copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without
profit
or payment..
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"The secret of success is honesty and fair
dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made."
- Groucho Marx
Home is where the grab bars are.