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A new
supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you
hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you
hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the
smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any
more.
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You might be a caffeine addict if...
1. You think sleep is for the weak.
2. The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
3. You believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.
4. You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
5. It's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.
6. You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
7. Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
8. Your heart rate is always in triple digits.
9. Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.
10. You wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.
11. You can name the five flavors of JOLT.
12. You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
13. You have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.
14. Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
15. You've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine.
16. You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
17. Your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won't shut anymore.
18. Your slogan is "Save water, drink coffee."
19. You have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee.
20. You suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.
2. The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
3. You believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.
4. You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
5. It's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.
6. You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
7. Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
8. Your heart rate is always in triple digits.
9. Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.
10. You wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.
11. You can name the five flavors of JOLT.
12. You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
13. You have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.
14. Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
15. You've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine.
16. You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
17. Your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won't shut anymore.
18. Your slogan is "Save water, drink coffee."
19. You have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee.
20. You suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.
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"According
to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2 percent of people
actually shave while they’re driving. They shave! How many guys would
like to be in the car with those women?"
-Jay
Leno
----------------------------------------------------------------
"President
Bush visited the New York Stock Exchange. It was an awkward moment when
President Bush asked, "When do I get to meet Dow Jones?"
--Conan
O'Brien
---------------------------------------------------------------
David
Letterman's Top Ten: Chicago Bears Excuses
10.
Too much pre-game paella
9. Hard to be motivated by a guy named "Lovie"
8. Spent every huddle talking about "American Idol"
7. Peyton promised to put us in a commercial if we let him win
6. We're not used to bad weather
5. Colts players were shoving us
4. Never adjusted to one hour time difference
3. Like the rest of America, we wanted to see Peyton finally
win the big one
2. Hard to play when you're excited about upcoming "Late Show"
Ventriloquist Week
1. Worried about sharing locker room with Prince
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9. Hard to be motivated by a guy named "Lovie"
8. Spent every huddle talking about "American Idol"
7. Peyton promised to put us in a commercial if we let him win
6. We're not used to bad weather
5. Colts players were shoving us
4. Never adjusted to one hour time difference
3. Like the rest of America, we wanted to see Peyton finally
win the big one
2. Hard to play when you're excited about upcoming "Late Show"
Ventriloquist Week
1. Worried about sharing locker room with Prince
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"Former
Bill Clinton adviser Dick Morris said Hillary Clinton will be the next
president, but she will be the worst president we’ve ever seen. After
hearing this, President Bush said, "Wait a minute . . . I’m not
finished yet."
--Conan
O'Brien
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"President
Bush says if we need to lower the temperature of the earth
dramatically, we could do so by just switching from Fahrenheit to
Celsius."
--Jimmy
Kimmel
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Today's
Birthdays
On
this day:
Author
Gay Talese is 75. (Born 1932)
Singer
Sammy Johns is 61. (Born 1946) He's best known for the song "Chevy
Van."
Three
Dog Night pianist Jimmy Greenspoon is 59. (Born 1948)
Actor
Miguel Ferrer is 52. (Born 1955) His credits include the TV series
"Crossing Jordan" and "Twin Peaks" and the movies "Sunshine State,"
"Traffic" and "Robocop."
Emmy
Award-winning actor James Spader is 47. (Born 1960) He's received
Emmy's for the TV series "Boston Legal" and "The Practice." His other
credits include the movies "Secretary," "Wall Street," and "Sex, Lies
and Videotape."
Country
music superstar Garth Brooks is 45. (Born 1962)
Bon
Jovi keyboardist David Bryan is 45. (Born 1962)
Emmy
Award-winning actor and comedian Chris Rock is 42. (Born 1965) He has
won Emmys for "The Chris Rock Show" and the special "Chris Rock: Bring
the Pain." His other credits include the movies "The Longest Yard,"
"Head of State," "Bad Company," "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,"
"Nurse Betty," and "Lethal Weapon Four" and the television series
"Saturday Night Live." He's also behind the sitcom "Everybody Hates
Chris."
Godsmack
frontman Sully Erna is 39. (Born 1968)
Actress
Robyn Lively is 35. (Born 1972) Her credits include the TV shows
"Doogie Howser, MD" and "Savannah," and the movie "Karate Kid 3."
Basketball
Star Steve Nash is 33. (Born 1974) He currently plays for the Phoenix
Suns.
Actor
Ashton Kutcher is 29. (Born 1978) His credits include the TV shows
"That '70's Show" and "Punk'd" and the movies "The Guardian," "Bobby,"
"A Lot Like Love," "Guess Who," "The Butterfly Effect," "My Boss's
Daughter," "Just Married," and "Dude, Where's My Car."
Actress
Tina Majorino is 22. (Born 1985) Her credits include the TV series
"Veronica Mars" and the films "Napolian Dynamite," "When A Man Loves A
Woman," and "Corinna Corinna."
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"Jennifer
Aniston in the news today. She is denying that she has breast implants.
She says she used to have breast implants, but they were stolen by
Angelina Jolie."
--Conan
O'Brien
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Irish
author Brendan Behan:
This
is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night
collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street.
It
was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and
passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk.
They
took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and
respected doctors.
The
doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his
patient, thought to humor him.
He
explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the
faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan.
"That
needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr.Behan, and I suppose, in
its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever
written."
To
which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."
--------------------------------------------------------------
From
Pat O'C
As a
trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load."
The
trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When
the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde
says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"
Shaking
his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At
the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All
out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my
name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When
the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When
he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde.
He
knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi,
my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy
said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She
said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He
said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven o'clock."
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Ten
Things A Cat Thinks About
1. I
could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!
--------------------------------------------------------------
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is
stuff that's
merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible,
attribution is
given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at
all,
is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't
handwrite) are
sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be
there,
should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way,
please let me
know by simply writing
to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following
notice is
included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107,
any
copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without
profit
or payment..
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"The secret of success is honesty and fair
dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made."
- Groucho Marx
Home is where the grab bars are.