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Today is Tueesday,
February 6, the 37th day of 2007. There are 328 to go. The Sun is at 17Aquarius. The moon is waning.
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"Every time I have to flush a toilet
twice, I think of Congress."
- Paul Jacob
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From
Patty - may have run this before, but ..........
THE
MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH
He
writes:
I was
riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right
in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the should
er to avoid hitting her.
This
evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window
and gave the woman the finger.
"
Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and here's why:
I
drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's
96 miles each day.
Of
these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most
of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There
are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That
works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even
though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That
brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically,
females drive half of these.
That's
18,000 women drivers!
In
any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's
642.
According
to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
unrewarding.
That's
449.
According
to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously
considered suicide or homicide.
That's
98.
And
34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's
33.
According
to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and
this number is increasing.
That
means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give
her the finger? I don't think so.
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Today's
Birthdays
Gossip
columnist Liz Smith is 84. (Born 1923)
Award-winning
actress Elaine Stritch is 82. (Born 1925) She won a Tony and Emmy Award
for her special "Elaine Stritch at Liberty." Her other credits include
the movies "Monster-In-Law," "Autumn in New York," and "Cocoon: The
Return" and the TV series "The Ellen Burstyn Show."
TV
journalist Herb Kaplow is 80. (Born 1927)
Actor
Robert Mandan is 75. (Born 1932) He has appeared on several television
shows including "Soap" and "Search For Tomorrow."
Entertainer
Tom Smothers is 70. (Born 1937) He teamed with his brother Dick to form
the Smothers Brothers comedy team.
Rock
and Roll Hall of Famer Graham Nash is 65. (Born 1942) He was a member
of the group Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
Hall
of Fame television executive Barry Diller is 65. (Born 1942) He founded
the Fox Television Network.
Bellamy
Brothers singer-songwriter Howard Bellamy is 61. (Born 1946)
Actress
Farrah Fawcett is 60. (Born 1947) She is best known for the role of
Jill Munroe on "Charlie's Angels." Her other credits include the TV
series "Harry O" and the movies "The Cookout," "Dr. T and the Women"
and "The Cannonball Run."
Rock
and Roll Hall of Famer Al McKay is 59. (Born 1948) He's a member of the
group Earth, Wind, and Fire.
Actor
Brent Spiner is 58. (Born 1949) He is best known for his role as Data
on "Star Trek: The Next Generation." His other credits include the TV
series "Threshold" and the movies "Material Girls," "The Aviator," and
"Independence Day."
Musician
Ross Valory is 58. (Born 1949) He played bass for the group Journey.
Duane
"Dog" Chapman is 54. (Born 1953) He's best known for his reality series
"Dog the Bounty Hunter."
Model
Christie Brinkley is 53. (Born 1954)
Actress
Lauren Lane is 46. (Born 1961) Her credits include the TV series "The
Nanny" and "Hunter."
Actor
Michael Weiss is 45. (Born 1962) His credits include the movie "Bones"
and the TV series "The Pretender."
Bassist
Robert DeLeo is 41. (Born 1966) He's in the group Army of Anyone. He
used to be in the band Stone Temple Pilots.
Singer
Shakira is 30. (Born 1977)
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At an immunization clinic, giving shot
to children could be very trying. One day as the nurse entered the
examining room to give the five year old her shot, the little girl
started shouting, "NO!
NO! NO!"
"Mandi," scolded her father. "That's
not polite behavior."
With that, the girl yelled even
louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
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Some
crittter knock-knock jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aardvark.
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a million miles for one of
your smiles.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Badger.
Badger who?
Too badger got a chip on your shoulder.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A burden.
A burden who?
A burden the hand is worth two in the
bush.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut count your chickens before
they’re hatched.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gopher.
Gopher who?
Gopher a walk off a cliff.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iguana.
Iguana who?
Iguana hold your hand.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Llama.
Llama who?
Llama Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ocelot.
Ocelot who?
You ocelot of questions.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Possum.
Possum who?
Possum the potatoes, please.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Toledo.
Toledo who?
It’s easy Toledo horse to water, but
it’s hard to make it drink.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Yukon.
Yukon who?
Yukon lead a horse to water, but you
can’t make it drink.
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In a
software design meeting, they were using typical technical jargon to
discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One engineer said the
programming that had been ordered was delayed because the vendor was
suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious,
the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The
engineer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
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A
lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy
friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and
client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and
handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The
lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a
sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his
services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney,
"is five hundred dollars."
The
client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced
it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer
with a smile.
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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"The secret of success is honesty and fair
dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made."
- Groucho Marx
Home is where the grab bars are.