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Today is Friday, February 2, the 33rd day of 2007. There are 332
to go. The Sun is at 13 Aquarius. The moon is
waxing.
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20 Fun Things to do in an Office
1. Remove the jug from the water
cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last
one.'
2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants,
staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too
careful.'
3. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible
people.
4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.
5.Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door
which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour.
6. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.'
7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain
that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'.
8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.
9. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of
copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.
10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a
drive-through.
11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone
in a low voice if they washed their hands.
12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time
to time.
13. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into
your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'
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"Sometimes
I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a
voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
--Charles
Schulz
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The phone rang. It was a salesman from
a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your
home?"
"No," I replied.
"Would you like to consolidate all
your debts?"
"I really don't have any," I said.
"How about freeing up cash for home
improvements?" he tried.
"I don't need any. I just recently had
some done and paid cash," I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he
asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"
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In a
recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities where they
live is noisier now than they were five years ago.
The other 40 percent didn't hear the
question.
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From
Kirk
From
rock hopping, injury befell.
Can't walk on my leg very well,
Knee's swollen and sore
To bend it's a chore
When asked, "How's your knee?" I say, "Swell."
(Kirk Miller)
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Three blondes
(natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told
them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him
what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a
holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he
banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is
when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he
banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what
Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian
holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was
having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas,
and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and
eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large
boulder ...
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every
year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his
shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted
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The
Tomato Company.
An unemployed man is desperate to support
his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at
a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources
manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour.
Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our
system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when
to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken
back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor
an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand
that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist.
Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a
high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned,
the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet,
he walks past a farmers'market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of
beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate,carries it to a busy corner and
displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes
and makes100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that
day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with
several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he
decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the
week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He
multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a
cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a
month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife
is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him.
By
the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth
year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife
supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato
company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to
work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million
dollars.
Planning
for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with
an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in
order to send the final documents electronically. When the man
replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no
e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today
if you 'would have had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!"
snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping
floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."
Which
brings us to the moral: .. Since you got this story by e-mail,
you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
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The high school drop-out came running into
the McDonald's where he worked and said to his manager, "Trey, somebody
just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!! I couldn't
stop 'em, but I got the license number."
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Can you have faith in groundhogs if they're afraid of their
own shadows?
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How do you know you have the right
groundhog?
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8 Top
Morons Of The Year 2003.....
1.
WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John
Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He
received a
$26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.
2.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California
spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing 10 tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,
shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
3.
WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped
a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his
own bank accounts.
4.
THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik-Stop and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5.
DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot, the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6.
ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife
is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted,
"This is her husband!"
7.
NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven
Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
gun but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(Hellllllooooooo!)
8.
THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in
the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
couldn't get their brand new 22-foot going. It was very sluggish
in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby
marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A
thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop
was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in
the water to check underneath, he came up choking on water, he was
laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER.THIS IS TRUE! Under the boat,
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
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Did
You Hear About The ...
Paper
company that folded?
Brake
company on the skids?
Surgeon
who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette
company that went up in smoke?
Baker
who was short of dough?
Refrigerator
manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Upholsterers
that couldn't cover their costs?
Adhesive
tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Tennis
ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Downfall
of the bungee suppliers?
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I was
thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that
everyone has clipped on. On SSDI, I can't afford one. So, I'm
wearing my garage door opener.
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OK, move along, that's
all there is, move along please ....
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Housekeeping:
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please let me
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included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107,
any
copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without
profit
or payment..
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always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always
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