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For February 24 & 25, 2007
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From
The "Yooper"
This is funnier'n'ell!!!
How to Wash a Cat
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Dixie's Gonna Rise Again!
West Virgiia
A group of West Virginia friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Harry?" the others asked.
A group of West Virginia friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Harry?" the others asked.
"Harry had a stroke of some kind. He's a
couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Harry laying out there and
carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I
figured no one is going to steal Harry!"
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Louisiana
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Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying...
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be
in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.
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Mississippi
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Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running
into the store and said to his buddy, "Jon, somebody just stole your
pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Jon replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell,
but I got his license number."
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Georgia
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Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a
pickup on I-85. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
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North Carolina
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North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire,
pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the
car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by
and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow
what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The
passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
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The man responded, "When you break down
they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey,
it don't make sense to me neither."
And this from South Carolina
"Y'all can say what you want about the
South, but I ain't never heeard of nobody retirin' to the North!"
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From Ken
When I was in medical school on my Ob/Gyn
rotation, I was being taught how to deliver a baby. While I was getting
ready to catch the first baby I was to deliver, I had an unpopular
resident standing there guiding me step-by-step. As the baby came out,
he made it clear to the entire room that he was a he by peeing on the
Resident.
An intern standing at the door said what I
was thinking, "Ma'am, you have a healthy baby boy who is a great judge
of character."
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I'm
Tired! Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on
getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor
nutrition, carrying extra pounds, raising a family, recent colds, and a
dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting rough.
But
now I found out what's really happening! I'm tired because I'm
overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October.
79 million of the population are retired. That leaves 221 million to do
the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in
schools, which leaves 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21
million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work.
Then
you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do
the work. 43 million are in prisons and that's 28 million left to do
the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal,
5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you're left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the
2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you're just sitting there reading this! No wonder I'm tired!!!
5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you're left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the
2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you're just sitting there reading this! No wonder I'm tired!!!
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What
did Mother broom say to Baby broom?
It's
time to go to sweep?
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Maybe
bulbs don't emit light,they suckdark.
DARKNESS,
BE GONE (Revised April, 1990)
For
years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted a substance or
energy called light. Recent information, however, has proven otherwise.
Electric bulbs don't emit light - they suck dark. Thus we call these
bulbs dark suckers. In addition to proving this fact, the Dark Sucker
Theory also presents a number of other basic theorems concerning the
properties of dark. For example, the speed of dark is greater than that
of light, and dark has greater mass than light.
The
basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take
for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less
dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
suckers, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a
parking lot have much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As
with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of
dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a
full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has
a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns
black, representing the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold
a pencil next to the wick on an operating candle, the tip will turn
black, because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these dark suckers have a very limited range. There are
also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these units can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.
When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or
replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again. If you
break open one of these filled canisters, one will see that there is
indeed a great quanity of stored dark on the inside.
Dark
has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass
passing through another mass will generate a certain amount of heat. It
is commonly known that an operating dark sucker generates heat. The
dark suckers with the greatest capacities force the dark to travel
through the impeding mediums at greater rates of speed, so they develop
greater amounts of heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch a operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special problem. Though the light does not
have to travel through a solid substance like the glass forming an
electric bulb, the dark must travel into the solid wick, instead of a
void as is found inside of the bulb. As we all know, this process
generates a great amount of heat. In fact, flammable items which come
into contact with an operating candle will be set on fire because of
the amount of heat generated. Thus, it can be even more dangerous to
touch a operating candle.
Further
proof of dark's mass is illustrated by the smoke generated by
inefficient or extinguished candles. The intermediate state of dark
during its destruction is a visible soot or smoke. Once again, casual
observers will attempt to refute the mass of darkness since smoke
generally rises. The same physical laws which allow clouds to float,
when water is heavier than air, cause smoke to rise. In an uncleaned
area, it is easy to note the "rain" of soot which accumulates on
surfaces.
Though
many are not aware of the incredible technology behind candles, they
illustrate another one of the many characteristics of dark. Consider
the fact that dark suckers absorb and store light. At first glance, it
may seem that this fact is a childish myth since an operating candle
eventually diminishes to nothing. Proponents of this argument fail to
realize that the candle is actually destroying the dark which it sucks!
Why then, does a room full of dark not become empty of dark after a
while? Simple, dark is capable of regenerating itself. It is important
to note that the speed of regeneration is proportional to the volume of
dark already present. For example, in a closet where the volume is
small, the candle will be able to suck dark faster than the dark
reproduces itself. In a huge cavern, however, a candle will not be able
to keep up, thus we need dark suckers with greater capacities when we
use them in large spaces.
Further
support for the destruction of dark is illustrated by the previous
reference to dark storage units. Though most inexpensive storage units
will get full, and therefore become useless, the higher priced ones can
be attached to a charger which empties the canister by destroying the
dark inside. The canister is then able to be used again.
Dark
is also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface of a
lake, you will see a lot of light. As you swim deeper and deeper, you
notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of
approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because
the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light
floats to the top. This immense power of dark can be utilized to man's
advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of
lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help
push dark to the oceans, where it can be safely stored. Prior to
turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and
lakes to the oceans. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to
solve it. When on a river in a canoe, traveling the same direction as
the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of
dark; but when they traveled against the dark, they paddled quickly, so
as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally,
we can and must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed dark closet then
slowly open the closed door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet; but since the dark is so fast you are not be able to see the
dark leave the closet.
In
conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier. So, the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember
that it is a indeed a dark sucker.
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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"Politics
is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not,
diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy."
- Ernest Benn
Home is where the grab bars are.