My Home Pages
Joke Main
For a subscription
Today is Wednesday,
February 21, the 52nd day of 2007. There are 313
to go. The Sun is at 2 - 3 Pisces The
moon is waxing.
----------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, just see the
"housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NORTH KOREA --- The world
breathed a sigh of relief as North Korea finally agreed to stop its nuclear program.
Again.
"We have finally achieved our goal of ending North Korea's nuclear
ambitions," said President Bush. "Just like Jimmy Carter and Bill
Clinton, we have gotten North Korea's promise to stop nuclear
development. This time I think we got 'em. I have a good
feeling that they mean it this time. They really are going to
stop nuclear development. For real. I trust them.
Don't misunderestimate my ability to keep them to their word.
I'll send Cheney over there to go quail huntin if they misbehave."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela
for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't
understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of
the local churches, he got lost, but he eventually got back on track
and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already
packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he
decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow
the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man
clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man
stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat
down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the
Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the
recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look
just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived that the
preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see
if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he
didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood
up too.
Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped.
He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood
at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the
missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the
preacher said, in English, "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied, "No, I
don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well, yes," said the preacher. "I
announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy, and would the
proud father please stand up."
-------------------------------------------------------------
A precious little girl walks into a pet
shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets
down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a
widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one
like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels,
puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet
voice, "I don't think my python weally githes a thit".
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crip Humor ~ By and For the Severely
Euphemized
Why have I had to park in a
"handicapped" parking space since I bought my new car? Because my car
payments cost me an arm and a leg.
The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a
local casino and asked to have her husband paged. "Sorry, Madam," came
the reply, "the house does not make doctor calls."
in the foothills of the Longfellow
Mountains in Maine there is actually a hamlet called Toe. A few
years ago, the local paper mill spilled some chemical waste into the
town's water supply. Many residents became ill and had to be
hospitalized. The incident was labeled for future reference as,
"Toe, Maine, Poisoning."
What's the easiest way to deal with the
Medicare system?
Never become disabled!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Living
in the 40's,50's and 60's Rich Martin Oct 19, 2003
23:13 PDT
According
to today's regulators and experts, those of us who were kids in the
40's, 50's,and 60's,probably shouldn't have survived.
Our
baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We
had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or
cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
Not
to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As
children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding
in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We
drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We
ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it,
but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We
shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one
actually died from this.
We
would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We
would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all
day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!
We
did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all,
no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal
cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We
had friends! We went outside and found them.
We
played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke
bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They
were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other
and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and
tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put
out any eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's
home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and
talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not
everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with
disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as
others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same
grade.
Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any
reason. The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in
school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the
school or the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of
the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever.
We had freedom, failure, success, and
responsibility --- and we learned how to deal with it.
Our actions were our own. Consequences
were expected.
And you're one of them!
Congratulations.
--------------------------------------------------------------
"A
great day for America, not such a great day for NASCAR. A bunch of
drivers have been fined for putting jet fuel in their cars. That’s the
equivalent of steroids in NASCAR. It’s very easy to tell which cars are
on these steroids. They’re the ones with the shrunken ball bearings."
--Craig
Ferguson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's
Birthdays
On this day:
Basketball Hall of Famer Jack Ramsey is 82. (Born 1925)
Designer
Hubert de Givenchy is 80. (Born 1927)
Emmy
Award-winning actress Rue McClanahan is 73. (Born 1934) She won an Emmy
for her work on the TV series "The Golden Girls." Her other credits
include the movie "Starship Troopers" and the TV shows "The Golden
Palace," "Mama's Family," "Maude," and "Safe Harbor."
Record
executive and stage producer David Geffen is 64. (Born 1943)
Emmy
Award-winning actress Tyne Daly is 61. (Born 1946) She has won Emmys
for her work on the TV series "Judging Amy," "Christy," and "Cagney and
Lacey."
Presidential
daughter Tricia Nixon-Cox is 61. (Born 1946) She's the daughter of the
late former President Richard Nixon.
Emmy
Award-winning actor Alan Rickman is 61. (Born 1946) He won the Emmy for
his work on the biopic "Rasputin." His other credits include the "Harry
Potter" movies as well as the films "Dogma," and "Galaxy Quest."
Rock
and Roll Hall of Famer Jerry Harrison is 58. (Born 1949) He was a
member of the group Talking Heads.
Emmy
Award-winning actor Larry Drake is 57. (Born 1950) He won an Emmy for
his work on the TV series "L.A. Law." His other credits include the
movie "American Pie 2" and the TV series "Johnny Bravo."
Actor
William L. Petersen is 54. (Born 1953) His credits include the TV
series "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" and the movies "Kiss the Sky,"
"Fear," "Young Guns 2," "Cousins," and "To Live and Die in L.A."
Actress
and comedienne Christine Ebersole is 54. (Born 1953) Her credits
include the movies "My Favorite Martian," "Richie Rich," "Tootsie," and
"Amadeus."
Emmy
Award winning actor Kelsey Grammer is 52. (Born 1955) He's best known
for his portrayal of the title character of the sitcom "Frasier," which
was a spin-off from "Cheers." He's won several Emmys for the role. His
other credits include the voice of Sideshow Bob on "The Simpsons" and
the movie "X Men: The Last Stand."
Country
singer Mary Chapin Carpenter is 49. (Born 1958)
"Body
By Jake" Fitness trainer Jake Steinfeld is 49. (Born 1958)
Actor
Christopher Atkins is 46. (Born 1961) His credits include the TV series
"Dark Realm" and "Dallas" and the movie "Blue Lagoon."
Actor
Billy Baldwin is 44. (Born 1963) His credits include the movies "The
Squid and the Whale," "Virus," "Backdraft," and "Fair Game."
Country
singer Eric Heatherly is 37. (Born 1970)
Actress
Jennifer Love Hewitt is 28. (Born 1979) Her credits include the TV
series "Ghost Whisperer" and the "Garfield" movies, and the films "The
Devil and Daniel Webster," "The Tuxedo," "I Know What You Did Last
Summer," and "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" and the TV series
"Party of Five."
Singer
Charlotte Church is 21. (Born 1986)
----------------------------------------------------------------
From
GCFL
The
parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers
and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything,
anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites
always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they
were always grazing.
A
veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the
true hunger of teenagers.
"I
would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were
jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be
fed."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dontcha
just love C-SPAN? Lunch is Soylent Green
------------------------------------------------------------]
From
Ernie who says
I've talked to this woman many
times. I bet that you have also!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, move along,
that's all there is, move along please ....
-----------------------------------------------
Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is
stuff that's
merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible,
attribution is
given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at
all,
is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't
handwrite) are
sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be
there,
should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way,
please let me
know by simply writing
to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following
notice is
included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107,
any
copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without
profit
or payment..
[Ref. Fair
Use
]
Group addresses:
Subscribe
Unsubscribe
List Owner
-------------------------------------------------------
There is
only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well
please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to
take the consequences.
(P.J. O'Rourke)
Home is where the grab
bars are.
NORTH KOREA --- The world
breathed a sigh of relief as North Korea finally agreed to stop its nuclear program.
Again. 