1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying
two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry,
sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The
one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've
lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies
"Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who
refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental
medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked
into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse.
"But
why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because,"
he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for
adoption.
One of
them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
8. A group of friars were behind on their
belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the
good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged
the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close.
Hugh beat
up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up shop.
Terrified,
they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked
barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses
on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and,
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man,
this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who
sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of
the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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When the book was the latest thing
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The car
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|
NEW
VIRUS
Just got
this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus
called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced
programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it.
So be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us
who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of
the Senile Virus:
1. Causes
you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes
you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes
you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes
you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes
you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes
you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
Remember???????????
I
don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I
don't think I did...or did you send it to me??
God
grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now
that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6.
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7.
If all is not lost, where is it?
8.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13.
Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15.
It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
17.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
play chess?
19.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20.
It's not hard to meet expenses... They're everywhere.
21.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23.
I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
|
|
|
|
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From Leif T on new
European Terror Alerts
The English are feeling the
pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their
security level from "Miffed" to Peeved."Soon, though, security levels
may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners
have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in1940 when tea supplies
all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to
a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government
announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from
"Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender"
and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.
It's not only the English
and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the
alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military
Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and
"Change Sides."
The Germans also increased
their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and
Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand,
are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about
is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited
to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed
subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good
look at the old Spanish navy
----------------------------------------------------------
A great old Dave Barry
The right to bear clubs
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 24, 1998.)
Every now and then somebody thinks up a new
idea that is so totally revolutionary that it just totally
revolutionizes everything.
For example, in 1905 Albert Einstein
stunned the scientific community when he announced that ''e'' is equal
to ''mc squared.'' Until that point, scientists had no idea what ''e''
was equal to. Oh, sure, they had known since the days of the ancient
Egyptians that ''e'' came after ''i,'' except when both letters were
preceded by a ''c.'' But nobody had ever even considered the
possibility that ''e'' might have anything to do with ''m.'' We will
never know what other amazing things would have been revealed about the
alphabet if Einstein had lived longer. We do know that, just before he
died, he told friends that he was working on ''something really big
involving 'k.' ''
Albert is gone, but fortunately for
humanity in general there are still great minds at work, coming up with
breakthrough ideas that a normal person could never even imagine
without ingesting fantastic quantities of gin. One such idea was
brought to my attention recently by an alert reader named (really)
Dwain Vanderhoof, who sent me a brochure for a new type of golf club,
which I absolutely swear I am not making up, called the Ballistic
Driver.
The Ballistic Driver is a ''swing-less''
golf club. You grip it as usual, and you position the head of the club
next to the golf ball. But instead of swinging the club, you press an
''Activator Button'' on the grip; this detonates a small explosive
charge inside the club head, which causes a metal plate to shoot out
the side of the club a distance of 1.5 inches at a speed of 200 miles
per hour. The plate hits the golf ball, which then, according to the
brochure, goes ''250 yards, every time . . . down the middle, exactly
where you aimed it, drive after drive.''
Is that a great idea, or what? Now you can
play golf WITHOUT HAVING TO MANUALLY HIT THE BALL! Talk about a
breakthrough! I mean, for me, the worst part of playing golf, by far,
has always been hitting the ball. I love standing around on the golf
course; I love driving the golf cart; I love saying the word ''bogey.''
But I hate swinging the club at the stupid ball, and, on those rare
occasions when I actually hit the ball, I hate watching it take off in
some totally random direction and disappear, usually forever, into a
lake, or the woods, or the body of an innocent bystander.
So I called the company that makes the
Ballistic Driver, GPower Inc. of Sunnyvale, Calif. I spoke with one of
the partners, Elizabeth Poggi, a serious person who confirmed that the
Ballistic Driver is a serious product aimed at people who, for various
reasons, cannot swing golf clubs, as well as for people like me who
would simply prefer not to.
Poggi stressed that the Ballistic Driver,
which will sell for around $800, has safety features that prevent it
from going off accidentally, as well as (I am still not making this up)
a silencer. These features are important: Just imagine what it would be
like if golf clubs were randomly detonating with loud bangs on golf
courses, not to mention in airports, hotel elevators, etc. It would be
a lot of fun! But it would also be wrong, which is why I am urging
everybody to remember this basic rule of golf: Always assume your club
is loaded.
I think the Ballistic Driver could
transform the game. Poggi told me that if the club were fitted with a
titanium strike plate, ''it could theoretically propel the ball 500
yards.'' This means that a pathetic schlump like me could propel the
ball farther than Tiger Woods Inc. hits it on those rare occasions when
he is not filming American Express commercials.
And who knows what lies down the road? I
mean, if we can make a club that can hit the ball 500 yards, why not
1,000? Why not 1,500? Why not a mile? We have the technology, darn it!
Maybe we will see the day, in our lifetimes, when golfers using a
descendant of the Ballistic Driver, perhaps powered by a small quantity
of plutonium, are stepping up to the tee and driving the ball into
another time zone . Of course, we'll need to develop a technologically
advanced golf ball that contained some kind of transmitter, so it could
radio its position back to the golfer (''YOUR TEE SHOT LANDED 18 YARDS
FROM THE HOLE. IN PAKISTAN.'')
Wouldn't that be great? Of course, as with
any technology, there's always the danger that it will fall into the
wrong hands. You could have street gangs converting these clubs to
Fully Automatic mode and driving in their low-rider carts to rival golf
courses, where they'd spray out hundreds of balls per minute in vicious
''drive-by'' tee-offs. Or you could turn on the TV news one morning to
see Saddam Hussein wearing lime-green pants and standing next to a golf
club the size of the Washington Monument, threatening to hit a massive
chemical and/or biological Golf Ball Of Doom smack into the fairway of
middle America.
So there will be those who will try to ban
the Ballistic Driver. To them I say: Forget it. The U.S. Constitution
guarantees us -- not in so many words, but the intent is clear -- the
right to keep and bear golf clubs. This precious right was fought for
in the Revolutionary War by our courageous foreparents, the
Minutepersons, who stood up for it on the green at Lexington. Although
they did bogey that particular hole.
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This had me laughing out loud! Ugly Dog Olympics <----- Click Link