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Today is Wednesday, February 14, the 45th
day of 2007. There are 320 to
go. The Sun is at 25-26 Aquarius. The moon is waning.
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From
Ernie
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What
do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most
knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's
proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his
kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise
men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could
give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised
him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be
high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant
prices she charged.
The last day of the
year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She
agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price
first..
The old witch wanted
to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table
and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was
horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled
like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a
repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was
too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation
of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was
proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really
wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the
kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and
that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the
neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the
witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour
approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience,
entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful
woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded
Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied
that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she
would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and
the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer?
Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the
predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his
friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or,
would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is
below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she
announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had
respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the
moral to this story?
Scroll down
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
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Science: It's just not fair
BY DAVE BARRY
This classic Dave Barry column was
originally published March 22, 1998.)
TODAY'S TOPIC FOR YOUNG PEOPLE IS: How
To Do A School Science Fair Project.
So your school is having a science
fair! Great! The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool
in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers
hate you. Ha-ha! No, seriously, although a science fair can seem like a
big ''pain,'' it can help you understand important scientific
principles, such as Newton's First Law of Inertia, which states: 'A
body at rest will remain at rest until 8:45 p.m. the night before the
science fair project is due, at which point the body will come rushing
to the body's parents, who are already in their pajamas, and shout, `I
JUST REMEMBERED THE SCIENCE FAIR IS TOMORROW AND WE GOTTA GO TO THE
STORE RIGHT NOW!' ''
Being driven to the store by
pajama-wearing parents at the last minute is the most important part of
any science fair project, because your project, to be legal, must have
an Official Science Fair Display Board. This is a big white board that
you fold into three sections, thus giving it the stability that it
needs to collapse instantly when approached by humans. The
international scientific community does not recognize any scientific
discovery that does not have an Official Science Fair Display Board
teetering behind it; many top scientists fail to win the Nobel Prize
for exactly this reason.
Once you have returned home and gotten
your display board folded into three sections (allow about six hours
for this), it's time to start thinking about what kind of project to
do. The prize-winning projects are the ones that clearly yet
imaginatively demonstrate an interesting scientific principle.
So you can forget about winning a
prize. What you need is a project that can be done at 1 a.m. using
materials found in your house. Ideally, it should also involve a
minimum of property damage or death, which is why, on the advice of
this newspapers legal counsel, we are not going to discuss some of our
popular project topics from previous years, such as ''What Is Inside
Plumbing?'' and ''Flame-Proofing Your Cat.'' Whatever topic you select,
your project should be divided into three parts: (1) The Hypothesis,
(2) The Part That Goes After The Hypothesis and (3) The Conclusion
(this should always be the same as the Hypothesis).
The hypothesis -- which comes from the
Greek words ''hypot,'' meaning ''word,'' and ''hesis,'' meaning ''that
I am looking up in the dictionary right now'' -- is defined as ''an
unproved theory, proposition, supposition, etc., tentatively accepted
to explain certain facts.'' For example, a good hypothesis for your
science fair project might be: ''There is a lot of gravity around.''
You could prove this via an experiment in which you pick up various
household items such as underwear, small appliances, siblings, etc.,
and observe what happens when you let go of them. Your conclusion
would, of course, be: ''There is a lot of gravity around.'' This would
be dramatically illustrated in your science fair exhibit by the fact
that your Official Science Fair Display Board was lying face down on
the floor.
If that project sounds like too much
effort, you might consider duplicating the one that my wife swears she
did in the 7th grade late on the night before the science fair. It was
called ''Waves,'' and it consisted entirely of a baking pan filled with
water, and a pencil. ''You swished the pencil around in the water, and
it made waves,'' my wife explained.
I asked her what scientific principle
this project demonstrated, and, after thinking about it for a moment,
she answered: ``The movement of the water.''
Impossible though it may sound, I did
a project in 6th grade that was even lamer than that. It was called
''Phases of the Moon,'' and it consisted of a small rubber ball that I
had darkened half of by scribbling on it with a pen. You were supposed
to rotate the ball, thus demonstrating scientifically that the phases
of the moon were caused by, I don't know, ink.
The total elapsed time involved in
conceiving of and constructing this project was maybe 10 minutes, of
which at least nine were devoted to scribbling. But it still might have
been a success had it not been for the fact that some of my fellow
students found it amusing to snatch up the moon and throw it, so that
it became sort of a gypsy exhibit, traveling around the Harold C.
Crittenden Junior High School gymnasium, landing in and becoming part
of other projects, helping to demonstrate magnetism, photosynthesis,
etc. So my project ended up being just a sign saying ''PHASES OF THE
MOON'' sitting on an otherwise bare naked table, the scientific
implication being that the moon is a very moody celestial body that
sometimes gets in a phase where it just takes off without telling
anybody.
Of course, if you want to get a good
grade, you have to do a project that will impress your teachers. Here's
a proven winner:
'HYPOTHESIS -- That (Name of Teacher)
and (Name of Another Teacher) would prefer that I not distribute the
photo I took of them when they were `chaperoning' our class trip to
Epcot Center and they ducked behind the cottage-cheese exhibit in the
Amazing World Of Curds.'' Depending on the quality of your research,
you might get more than a good grade from your teachers: You might get
actual money! Yes, science truly can be rewarding. So why wait until
the last minute to start your science fair project? Why not get started
immediately on exploring the amazing world of science, without which we
would not have modern technology. Television, for example.
Let's turn it on right now.
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More
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Help From the Movies
1.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any
of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade at any time of the year.
3. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. All single women have a cat.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
15. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
16. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
17. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity
18. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath.
19. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade at any time of the year.
3. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. All single women have a cat.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
15. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
16. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
17. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity
18. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath.
19. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
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From Teddi
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving.
He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor
finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about
how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master,
tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright
with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay,
Irving, Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail
wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile
disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy,
wagging my tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail
puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy
eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too
salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why
don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say!
Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day.
It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for
a nice long walk? I can't remember when!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he
says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.
Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
"I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet.
He thought I said, 'Kvetch'."
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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One good
thing about apathy is you don't have to exert yourself to show you're
sincere about it.
Home is where the grab bars are.