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For
February 10 & 11,
2007
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For
Teddi, who's been there too long to be Malihini, now Haole Wahine
The
Polynesian King
So there was this Polynesian island king who had very loving and loyal
subjects. Each year his subjects gave him a new throne for his
birthday. And each year he stored the last year’s throne up in the
rafters of his palatial grass hut.
As the king got on in years, the thrones started becoming too numerous
and too heavy for the king’s grass hut palace. The king’s minister of
architecture advised him that he should stop saving these old thrones.
After all, what did he need so many old thrones for? The king would
answer, “Yes, I know... but I hate to throw away the gifts of my loyal
subjects.” So he kept stowing them away, year after year.
One day as the king was holding court in his grass hut, he heard a
rafter timber break. Suddenly, 50 years worth of old thrones came
crashing down upon him. The minister of architecture came running to
see what had happened and found the mortally wounded king among the
thrones and rafter timbers of the now destroyed grass palace.
Haltingly, the king asked, “What happened?”
The minister held his dying king’s hand and said, “Sire, I TRIED to I
warn you ... people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.”
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A child can go only so far in life
without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of
the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly
half of the nation's state legislators.
-- Dave Barry
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dave
Barry on electricity
Today's
scientific question is: What in the world is electricity and where does
it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here
is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental
fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and
cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a
very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we
need to learn an important lesson about electricity.
It
also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you
scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very
small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they
will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream
and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the
carpet, thus completing the circuit.
AMAZING
ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching
anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would
explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have
carpeting.
Although
we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers,
etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of
these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug
them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin
Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious
electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the
same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A
penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a
job running the post office.
After
Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become
part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James
Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered
(this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal
to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's
leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which
was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in
the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary
surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed,
implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the
pond -- almost.
But
the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was
a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention
in
1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he
invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This
means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of
electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very
few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In
fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.
Today,
thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we
receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example,
in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic
appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away,
yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations
to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power
setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."
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Sitting
on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State
Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he
notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three
in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously
confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing
exactly the speed limit!
What
seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am,"
the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."
"Slower
than the speed limit?
No
sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The
State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
"22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out
her error."
But
before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...
Is
everyone in this car OK?
These
women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this
whole time," the officer asks."
Oh,
they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We
just got off Route 142."
----------------------------------------------------------------
The
man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home.
As he
was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
What
are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?said the officer.
"I'm
going to a lecture",the man said.
And
who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My
wife", said the man.
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UNANSWERED
QUESTIONS
Does
a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why
is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
Is
there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why
do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
On
electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How
many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff
in that slot?
Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give their vacuum one more chance?
Why
is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
How
do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not
then what was the purpose of the bath?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying
your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all
right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid
idiot'?
Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to
the top you always think there's still one more step?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a
trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person
wondering what the heck happened?
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best
friend, who really is the dumber sex?
Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they
just as needy throughout the rest of the year?
Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain'
and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles
they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?
Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's
no sense in two people remembering the same things right?
Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't
have to live with women?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like
your wife told you to?
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Today's
Birthdays
For: Saturday, February 10, 2007
On
this day:
Opera
singer Leontyne Price is 80. (Born 1927)
Actor
Robert Wagner is 77. (Born 1930) He's best known for his work on the TV
series "Hart to Hart." His other credits include the TV series "Hope
and Faith," the "Austin Powers" movies, and the films "Hoot" and "The
Towering Inferno."
R&B
singer Roberta Flack is 70. (Born 1937) She's best known for the hit
"The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face."
Drummer
Nigel Olssen is 58. (Born 1949) He's a member of The Elton John Band.
Nine-time
Olympic Gold medal-winning swimmer Mark Spitz is 57. (Born 1950)
Golfer
Greg Norman is 52. (Born 1955)
Political
commentator George Stephanopoulos is 46. (Born 1961)
Former
baseball star Lenny Dykstra is 44. (Born 1963)
Actress
Laura Dern is 40. (Born 1967) Her credits include the movies "I Am
Sam," "Dr. T and the Women," "Jurassic Park," and "Rambling Rose."
News
anchor Laurie Dhue is 39. (Born 1968)
Actress
Emma Roberts is 16. (Born 1991) Her credits include the TV series
"Unfabulous" and the movie "Aquamarine."
###
These famous people would have
celebrated birthdays on this day:
Writer Boris Pasternak. (Born 1890) He
wrote "Doctor Zhivago."
Actor Alan Hale Sr. (Born 1892)
Actor, comedian Jimmy Durante. (Born
1893)
Hall of Fame tennis player Bill
Tilden. (Born 1893)
Actress Dame Judith Anderson. (Born
1897) She appeared in several films including "The Ten Commandments"
and "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."
Actor Lon Chaney, Jr. (Born 1906) The
legendary horror film actor appeared in such films as "The Wolf Man"
and "House of Frankenstein."
Metallica bassist Cliff Burton. (Born
1962)
Copyright © 2007
Metro Networks Communications Inc., A Westwood One Company
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A
rerun
Only
in America??
1.
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2.
Only in America...there are handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3.
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
4.
Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and
a diet coke.
5.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7.
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
8.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9.
Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10.
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
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EVER
WONDER???
Why
the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?
Why
women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why
don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why
is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why
is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why
is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why
is lemon juice made with artificial flavour and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why
is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why
is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why
isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
When
dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why
didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why
do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You
know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why
don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why
are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If
con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If
flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Never
run this version a-fore
Due
to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations
are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled
"Survivor: Southern Style."
The
contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to
South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over
to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi,
Texas and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each
will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large
bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go
Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2008, Deer Hunting is Murder
and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!
The
first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.
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Groaner:
The Painter
There
was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in
making a shilling where he could, so he often would thin down
paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As
it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually a
local Kirk decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one
their building. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so
competitive, he got the job.
And
so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting
up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say,
thinning it down with a wee bit of the turpentine.
Well,
Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done,
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky
opened the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the
church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn,
among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned
and useless paint.
Jock
was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got
on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And
from the thunder, a mighty voice spake thus:
"Repaint!
Repaint and thin no more!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"President
Bush released his new federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and
mirrors."
-Jay
Leno
----------------------------------------------------------------
"On
Groundhog Day, the old timers think they can predict whether it's going
to be an early spring or six more weeks of winter by whether or not the
groundhog sees his shadow, or, as President Bush calls it, 'reliable
intelligence.'
-Jay Leno
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107,
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One good
thing about apathy is you don't have to exert yourself to show you're
sincere about it.
Home is where the grab
bars are.