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Today is Wednesday, January 3, the 3rd
day of 2007. There are 362
to go. The Sun is at 12-13 Capricorn. The moon is full.
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q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
"The Iraq Study Group report came out... and
was released as a book. And after only a few hours, it soared to number
18 on Amazon's best seller list. They even got President Bush to buy a
copy because they called it 'Harry Potter and the Iraq Study Group.'"
--Conan O'Brien
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't
understand a single word of what I am saying." --Oscar Wilde
"Try to determine what is going on in the world
by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the
second hand of a clock." --Ben Hecht
"Because things are the way they are, things
will not stay the way they are." --Bertolt Brech
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During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly
Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost
exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst
themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from
Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York,
came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was
okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he
ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid
the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs,
"Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no
one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him
English."
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Our cats 2007 resolutions
My human will never let
me eat their pet bird, and
I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of
the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs,
then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub,
fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for
late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed
while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch
birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window
and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the
same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I
race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see
if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when
my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of
the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while
people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of
these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into
the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when
they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their
forearms are
*not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight
my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size
for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare
down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the
X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night
and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my
"kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the
middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is
writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
If I must claw my human I will l not do it in
such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human guests, my
toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if
it isn't as tasty.
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The game show contestant was only 200 points
behind the leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling
host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties,
gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy
question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which
the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly
faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept
Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward
impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a
very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
Olive, the other reindeer..."
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A December leftover
T'WAS THE
INTERNET NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all
through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you
bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the inbox with
care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their
screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my
mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so
quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they
came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac
called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing
hip!
"The screen gave a flicker, he was into my
"Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his
shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really
should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his
backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how
techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking
chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his
nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my
uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my
sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
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New Orleans is vowing to
hold Mardi Gras this year, like last
year, come hell or high water.
They've always had a Mardi Gras drink called the Hurricane. This year
they aren't going to serve it, but they have a new one called the FEMA.
It's strong, and it hits you about a week later.
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John was furious when his steak arrived too
rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get
a compliment."
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A man
was driving home late one night and was feeling very horny. As he
passed a pumpkin patch, his mind started to wander. He thought to
himself, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is
no one around here for miles." He pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a nice juicy-looking pumpkin, cut the appropriate size
hole in it, and began to do the pumpkin.
After a while he is really into it, so doesn't notice the police
car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you
realize that you are having sex with a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A
pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
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A Polish
lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or
so. Although his English was far from perfect, they got on very
well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him -- very quick.
"The lawyer
said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
POLE: She bought a bottle at the drug store, and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read -- it says, Polish Remover
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OK, move along, that's all there
is, move along please ....
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Housekeeping:
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stuff that's
merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible,
attribution is
given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at
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is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't
handwrite) are
sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be
there,
should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way,
please let me
know by simply writing
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included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107,
any
copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without
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Build a better life by stealing office supplies.
- Dogbert
Home is where the grab
bars are.