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Today
is Wednesday, January 31,
the 31st day of 2007. There are 334
to go. The Sun is at 11 Aquarius. The moon is
waxing.
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Today's
foolishness is dedicated to Barbaro, who lost his fight. This is horse
country, and he was like family to all of us. For some videos on a
great Thoroughbred, try
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WHY
MOST MEN VOTE REPUBLICAN.......
This
has to be one of the better laughs I've enjoyed recently!
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From
Norm
STUN
GUN (Only a guy would do this!)
]Pocket
Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy
who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last
weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY
TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately,
I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on the face of
her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
& blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised.
Was I
wrong?
So,
there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All
the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really, and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best...
I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. ! I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
I'm
pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second
burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it
is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-...
that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.
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From
GCFL
You know this sort of user: the kind who
blames IT for everything. "If I walk past her desk and so much as
glance in her direction, anything that happens on her PC, lost file or
otherwise, must be my fault," says the network administrator.
So he dreads the voice mail message he
gets from her one
day: "There's something wrong with my
fax software. It hasn't worked in months. You must have done something
to it."
He hasn't done any support on this
user's PC in months and hasn't touched the fax software since he
installed it four years before. And he really doesn't want to go
anywhere near the PC because he knows that, for months to come,
everything will be his fault.
Hoping to dodge that headache, he emails
the user. "Is the phone cable plugged into your computer and your
phone?" he asks in the email.
The response comes by voice mail:
"Well, that was pretty smart of you. The cable wasn't plugged into my
phone. Thanks for your help -- you must have unplugged it the last time
you were here!"
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From
Wilda
All
the obits written about Saddam were incomplete. All left out a complete
listing of all his surviving sons and daughters. A corrected paragraph
follows:
Saddam
was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15
sons:
Sooflay,
a restauranteur;
Guday,
who lives in Australia;
Huray,
a sports fanatic;
Sashay,
who is gay;
Kuntay
and Kintay, twins living in Africa;
Sayhay,
a baseball player;
Ojay,
a stalker and murderer;
Gulay,
a singer and entertainer;
Ebay,
an internet entrepreneur;
Biliray,
a country music star;
Ecksray,
a radiologist;
Puray,
a manufacturer of kitchen blenders;
Raygay,
who lives in Jamaica; and
Tupay,
who is bald,
and
by seven daughters:
Lattay,
a coffee-shop owner;
Bufay,
a big eater;
Dushay,
owner of a feminine-care-products company;
Phayray,
an actress; Sapheway, a grocery store owner;
Ollay,
who lives in Mexico; and
Gudlay,
a prostitute.
There
is reported to be another surviving son, Oyvay, but he is said to have
been disowned by the family.
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Top Ten Signs
You're At A Bad Mall
10. "Mall security guards won't stop
tasering people"
9. "The mannequins are giving you the
finger"
8. "You toss a penny in the fountain
and it hits a corpse"
7. "Lenscrafters promises glasses 'In
about a month'"
6. "The Sbarro sbucks"
5. "It's located in the 'bad part' of
Fallujah"
4. "Saturday is 'Mexican Gang Day'"
3. "You check your coat; 10 minutes
later you see it for sale at
J.C. Penney"
2. "The sales person keeps offering to
measure your inseam, and
you're at a bookstore"
1. "The only thing half-off is Santa's
pants"
[From the Late Show with David
Letterman]
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Blessed
are the cracked, for it is they who let in the light.
Source Unknown
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If
Wednesday is "Hump Day", does that make Tuesday "Hump Eve"???
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OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
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If you
always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always
got!
Home is where the grab
bars are.