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Today is Monday, January 29, the 29th day of 2007. There are 336 to go. The Sun is at 9 Aquarius. The moon is waxing.
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From Ernie
 
Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said  to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer

She's Such A Bitch......
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MARTHA vs MAXINE

 
 
 
 
 


 

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting celery in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Celery? Never heard of it!

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Leftover wine???????????
HELLO !!!!!!!

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From Pat O'C
 
Cool person test
 
 
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Television's Birthday In 1926, Scottish inventor John L. Baird first demonstrated television (then called a televisor) in London, England. He had built upon suggestions of Scottish engineer A.A. Campbell, who suggested in 1911 that cathode-ray tubes could be used to transmit pictures.
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EVILS OF TV
 
A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.
He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.
"We put our TV away in the closet."
 
"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."
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If Sex Was Sold In A Grocery Store...
 
 
Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.
Hookers would be renamed "Special Stock Girls."
If you ever were not "prepared", you could always go to Aisle 8.
There'd be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and "Tricks" on Aisle 10.
Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.
Same with the phrase "Freshness Dating."
Same with "Buy One, Get One Free."
No one would want to win the One Millionth Shopper award.
Paper, Plastic or Rubber?
Some men would still be in the Express Lane.
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A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.  The wife is behind the wheel.  Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
 
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
 
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
 
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
 
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.  Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.  65 mph.  "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
 
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
 
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.  "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
 
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
 
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, "the airbag."
 

Moral of the Story: Women are clever, don't mess with them.
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
 
For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
 
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
 
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
 
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....


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Housekeeping:

While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all,  is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:

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If you always do what you always did,  you'll always get what you always got!

Home is where the grab bars are.