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Today is Monday, January 22, the 22nd day of 2007. There are 343 to go. The Sun is
at 2 Aquarius.
The moon is waxing.
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From
Kris
A woman was thinking about finding a
pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to
find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it
would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store
and asked how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and
beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but
decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still
wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it
home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the
implication, but then thought "that's not so bad,"
A couple hours later, the woman's two
teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird,
it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The
girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to
laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman's
husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New
house, new madam, new whores... ...same old faces. Hi Ray."
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From
Phil
GOD BLESS MOTHERS WHO DRUGGED US!!!
God bless mothers who drugged us! Wish
we had more of them around today!!!!!
The other day, someone at a store in
our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old
farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical
question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were
growing up?''
I replied: I had a drug problem when I
was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday
morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to
family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug
by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I
disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did
not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if
I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was ask ed of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have
my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and
cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family,
friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow
the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my
mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this
kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and
they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are
stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had
this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
Have a great day!!!
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From Ernie
*A
young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on a plane to find
himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt,
faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy,
the young man decides to make sport of him.
"You
know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you
strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."
The
cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right.
What'd ya like to discuss?"
"Oh,
I don't know," says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How about
nuclear proliferation?"
"Hmm,"
says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, "That
could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first --
horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff---grass. Yet, a deer
passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes
muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded,
the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So
tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel
qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know shit?" *
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From "Computer Stupidities".......... todays
I received a call from a woman. She had
been told in a previous call that her computer was infected by a trojan
virus and wanted to know where to begin disinfecting the computer. I
asked her what software she was using, but she sounded a little
confused. After a few minutes, I learned that she had dismantled her
computer and was preparing to wipe everything down with Lysol, a
disinfecting cleaner.
It took me another
minute to compose myself and try to tell her to stop before she ruined
her computer. I don't know if she did, as I never heard from her again
-- and it took me ten minutes to stop laughing.
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From
the Miami Herald
Dave
Barry Posted on Sun, Jan. 21, 2007email thisprint thisRoad warrior
specialsBY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 1, 1996.)
Here's
the problem: If you stop 100 people at random and ask them to evaluate
their driving ability, every single one will say, ``above average.''
It is
a scientific fact that all drivers, including those who are going the
wrong way on interstate highways, believe they are above average.
Obviously, this is impossible: Some drivers have to be below average.
Not me, of course. I am currently ranked fourth among the top drivers
in world history, between Mario Andretti and Spartacus. But there are
many incompetent people out there on the roads, changing speed and
direction without warning or drifting along in the left, or
''passing,'' lane at 23 m.p.h., blinking their turn signals, which they
never turn off, even in the garage.
These
people make me crazy, which is why I am so excited about the car
harpoon.
I
found out about the car harpoon from an Associated Press item, sent to
me by many alert readers, concerning the police in the town of Oulu,
Finland.
Finland
(also known as ''Norway'') is a northern European nation that also
contains a city named ''Espoo'' (suggested civic motto: ``The City That
Sounds Like A Person Spitting'').
You
might think that the biggest traffic menace in Finland would be
unlicensed reindeer, but the Oulu police have a problem with speeders
and drunk drivers who refuse to stop. That's why police Sgt. Markku
Limingoja invented the car harpoon. This is a missile-shaped object,
equipped with hydraulically activated barbs, that sticks several feet
out from the front bumper of the police car. The idea is that if the
police are chasing somebody, they ram the harpoon into the fleeing
car's trunk, activate the barbs to keep the two cars stuck together,
then use their brakes to stop both vehicles.
We
definitely need the car harpoon over here. Of course, we'd have to
modify the concept slightly, as follows:
1. It
would not be limited to police cars. It would also be available as an
option on cars operated by qualified civilian drivers such as (needless
to say) yourself.
2.
The civilian model car harpoon -- which I assume would be marketed
under the name ''Carpoon'' -- would contain additional features,
including a powerful public-address system.
The
Carpoon would greatly enhance the driving experience. Envision this
scenario: You're behind a bad driver stopped at a traffic light. The
light turns green, but the bad driver does not move. He was completely
unprepared for the fact that -- how the heck would anybody know this?
-- red would be followed by green. He's sitting there, baffled, like a
person watching a drive-in movie with a very complicated plot. You honk
your horn, but this has no effect on the bad driver; people are always
honking at him, and he never knows why.
Suddenly
-- WHAM -- the bad driver feels a jolt. Then he hears a very loud voice
-- your voice -- coming from inside his car, saying: ''Excuse me! The
light is green! You can go now!'' This announcement would be followed,
after a courtesy interval of one-tenth of a second, by tear gas.
As a
motorist, I want a Carpoon now. And I'll tell you what else I want: a
Tire Assault Vehicle. This is a real device that was featured in a
publication called NASA Tech Briefs, sent in by alert reader Robert
Stolpe.
The
Tire Assault Vehicle, or TAV, is designed to protect humans from
high-pressure aircraft tires that might explode. Basically, the TAV is
a remote-controlled model tank that has been modified to incorporate a
video camera on top and an electric drill sticking out the front. The
operator, from a safe distance, drives the TAV up to an aircraft tire
and drills a hole in it, safely letting out the air.
You
know how sometimes you're trying to find a space in a crowded parking
lot, and you come to a car that some jerk has deliberately parked
diagonally across two spaces? Can you imagine the satisfaction you'd
experience if, without even having to leave the comfort and safety of
your car, you could drill holes in the jerk's tires?
But
that would be wrong. Property destruction is not the solution. No, it
would be better to take a deep breath, calm down, wait patiently until
the jerk returns to his car, and then drill holes in his shins.
Wouldn't
that be great? That's why you need to tell your federal government to
stop nattering about air bags and start providing you, the
above-average driver, with the Tire Assault Vehicle, the Carpoon and
other technology (I am not ruling out nuclear weapons) that you can
really use. So don't wait! Write to your congressperson now! Also,
press the accelerator, OK? The light is green.
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OK, move
along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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