Today
is Friday, January 12,
the 12th day of 2007. There are 353 to go. The Sun is
at 21-22 Capricorn. The moon is waning.
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Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman
doing street interviews about the upcoming mayoral election.
"I'm not voting for any of the
candidates," the first man said. "I don't know any of them."
"I feel the same way," the second man
said. "Only I know them all."
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The Ranks of a Hospital
Surgeon:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more productive than a train
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God
Internist:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is
approved
General Practitioner:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch
engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming
pool
Is occasionally addressed by God
Resident:
Barely clears a picket fence
Loses tug-of-war with a train
Can sometimes handle a gun without
inflicting self-injury
Swims well Talks with animals
Intern:
Makes high skid marks on a wall when
trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a train
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls
Medical Student:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Cannot stay afloat without a life
preserver
Mumbles to himself
Nurse:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her
teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
The Nurse IS God!!!!
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One good thing about apathy is you
don't have to exert yourself to show you're sincere about it.
Author Unknown
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A man and his wife were sitting in the
living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live
in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a
bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and
threw out all of his beer.
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Aphorisms
1. I think animal testing is a
terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and
Laurie
2. A Freudian slip is when you say one
thing but mean your mother.
3. The hypothalamus is one of the most
important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation,
among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding;
and 4. mating.-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
4. What is a committee? A group of the
unwilling, picked from the unfit, to
do the unnecessary. -- Richard
Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock
radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're
one of them."
6. With every passing hour our solar
system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13
in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who
continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom
K. Ferm
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have
exact change.
8. Applying computer technology is
simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
9. The graduate with a Science degree
asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering
degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
10. Karate is a form of martial arts
in which people who have had years and years of training can, using
only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history
of the world. -- Dave Barry
11. I am not a vegetarian because I
love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney
Brown
12. A great many people think they are
thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William
James
13. Never underestimate the bandwidth
of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew
Tannenbaum
14. We should be careful to get out of
an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we
be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit
down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is
well; but also she will never sit down
on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain
15. There's so much comedy on
television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett,
mocking the TV-violence debate
16. If a woman has to choose between
catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on
base. -- Dave Barry
17. I am sick unto death of obscure
English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these
so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all
of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time
dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick
Times (Limerick, Ireland)
18. When cryptography is outlawed,
bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your
defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
21. Some mornings, it's just not worth
chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips
22. Writing about music is like
dancing about architecture.
23. Experience is that marvelous thing
that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P.
Jones
24. Human beings, who are almost
unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others,
are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --
Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_
25. As your attorney, it is my duty to
inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing
or why you're paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue
to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
26. When I told the people of Northern
Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and
said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the
Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
27. Boundary, n. In political
geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the
imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. --
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
28. I think that all right-thinking
people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary,
decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm
certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty
Python
29. May the forces of evil become
confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin
30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over
your dogma.
31. Those who make peaceful revolution
impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy
32. Life may have no meaning. Or even
worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh
Brilliant
33. My opinions may have changed, but
not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
34. Her kisses left something to be
desired -- the rest of her.
35. Drawing on my fine command of
language, I said nothing.
36. Always try to do things in
chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
37. Based on what you know about him
in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if
he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman
38. Once at a social gathering,
Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either
by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace
your principles or your mistress."
39. For three days after death, hair
and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny
Carson
40. I think that the team that wins
game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -- Charles
Barkley
41. My initial response was to sue her
for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no
character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim
herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
42. The most important thing in the
programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a
good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am
looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
43. A slipping gear could let your
M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make
you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993
issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive
maintenance
44. An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to
incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed,
frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart
and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large
and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but
only as long as our illusion supports us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
45. Suppose you were an idiot. And
suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
46. Calvin: People think it must be
fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put
up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper
supposed to be in the front?
47. On one occasion a student burst
into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F
you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree,
but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me
to award."
48. The overwhelming majority of
people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik
49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles
had a God, He'd have three sides."
50. Don't worry about temptation--as
you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac
51. G: "If we do happen to step on a
mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is
to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
52. The mind is not a vessel to be
filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch
53. Sometimes I lie awake at night,
and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is
going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_
[Charles Schulz]
54. The only difference between me and
a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali
55. What a distressing contrast there
is between the radiant intelligence of
the child and the feeble mentality of
the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud
56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol,
violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. --
Hunter S. Thompson
57. Sacred cows make the best
hamburger. -- Mark Twain
58. "Time's fun when you're having
flies." -- Kermit the Frog
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OK, move along, that's
all there is, move along please ....