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Today
is Wednesday, January 10, the 10th
day of 2007. There are 355 to go. The Sun is
at 19-20 Capricorn. The moon is waning.
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easily, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this
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MALE OR FEMALE
You may not know this, but a lot of non-living
objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once
turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if
the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the
wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald
easily and are often over
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because
to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are
soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly
being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always
use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over
time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years,
they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have
around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably
thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man
pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know
which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
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David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard In
New York City about the Stink
10. "Hello, police? The city smells slightly
worse than usual"
9. "We at Con-Ed will repair this problem on
the 26th between 1PM and 7PM"
8. "I'm dizzy, nauseous, my throat is burning--
it's like I ate at Hello Deli"
7. "My cab driver is disoriented-- he's not
driving on the curb"
6. "Relax-- breathing air is still safer than
drinking the water"
5. "I hope this doesn't affect Tony Danza's
performance in The Producers' "
4. "The rats are wearing gas masks"
3. "Maybe it's the gas, but I find Letterman
kind of funny"
2. "Michael Richards is apologizing"
1. "All this choking makes me feel like I'm at
a Knicks game"
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"Donald Trump
is in the news. Can you believe that? Anyway his new season of "The
Apprentice" started last night. He has replaced his old catchphrase of
'you’re fired' to 'Rosie is fat.'" --Conan O'Brien
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"I have never
let my schooling interfere with my education." --Mark Twain
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"I like
nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary
ingredient in living. It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong
end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh
at life’s realities." --Dr. Seuss
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Please go here.
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A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular
local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he
spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he
could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few
minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he
finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the
other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on
then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and
started to drive away.
The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his
lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test,
and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was
dumbfounded!
"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the
Patrolman.
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the
Designated Decoy!"
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A re-run from
our critlets
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! DAD! MY FAVORITE!
9:15 pm - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY
FAVORITE!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary
Day 183 - My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while
I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is
the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
furniture and the drapes.
Yesterday I feigned sleeping on third stair
from the top while the lights were out. This caused a catapult of my
captor down the stairs to avoid stepping on me, but unfortunately there
were no injuries. Will do this every night until I get results.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at
the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair. Must try this on their bed.
Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless, bloody body in attempt to make them aware of what I am
capable of. This should strike fear into their hearts. Instead they
only cooed and condescended about what a good little mouser I was.
Hmmm, next time I'll bring them a baby bird.
There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I
could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard
that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what
this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies
and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand
has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am
certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the
suspended metal room his safety is assured, but I can wait. It is only
a matter of time.
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Channeled from
my MD father
PSYCHIATRY AND PROCTOLOGY
Two doctors opened an office in a small town
and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to:
"Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the
sign to: "Schizoids And Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down
again.
Then came, "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good.
How about, "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried, "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
Nor did: "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and
Cheeks",
"Loons and Moons" - none worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title
they thought might be acceptable to the council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." APPROVED!!!!!
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The buzz word
in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a
simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a
party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One
of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you say, "She's
fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed,"
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his
tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By
the way, I'm Fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He
walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him Into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" .....
That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your
Breast and grabs your ass ...
That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
YOU LIKE IT, BUT 20 YEARS LATER YOUR ATTORNEY DECIDES YOU WERE
OFFENDED.
but, THAT'S AMERICA
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OK, move along, that's all there is,
move along please ....
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Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is
stuff that's
merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible,
attribution is
given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at
all,
is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't
handwrite) are
sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be
there,
should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way,
please let me
know by simply writing
to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following
notice is
included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107,
any
copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without
profit
or payment..
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who
think.
Horace Walpole
Home is where the grab
bars are.