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Today is Monday October 15
the 298th day of 2007. There
are 77 to go. The
Sun is at 21-22 Libra The
moon is waxing.
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If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, or see the Fair Use disclaimer, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
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MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for Breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
And returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for Breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
And returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'
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Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.
(SCROLL DOWN)
too cute not to forward..............
GIVE US A SENSE OF HUMOR LORD,
GIVE US THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE,
TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF LIFE,
AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLK
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Cops and Robbers
Sally had three very active boys. One
summer evening, she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after
dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked
mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the
only chance I've had to rest all day."
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Ain't it da trute
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LIVER & CHEESE
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um....I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my" said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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From Linda
When Insults Had Class
There was a time when words were
used beautifully. These glorious insults are from an era when
cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of
the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!
The exchange between Churchill
and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you
poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."
Gladstone, a member of
Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on
the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, sir,"
said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or your
mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." -
Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike
and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with
much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I
have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a
word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William
Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really
think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway
(about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy
of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words
into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but
I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is
intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to
the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have
one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first
night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston
Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you;
it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
He is a self-made man and
worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his
illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he
is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking
for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you
that reincarnation won't cure. - "Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a
lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths
without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas
Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a
flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what
it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking
like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown
him away and kept the stork. - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever
they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken
man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for
music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful
evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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From Di
Some other uses for my favorite
beverage
1. To remove a bandage
painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves
adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around
bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the
caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka
kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and
letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The
vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot
dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of
shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins
from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees
or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc
freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches,
pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender
flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the
sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply
the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest
and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to
absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
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Luggage
I couldn't find my luggage at the
airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the
woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to
worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
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Breakfast in London. Lunch in New
York. Luggage in Tokyo
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Why buy good luggage? You only
use it when you travel.]
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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"When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it....ALWAYS."
-Mahatma Gandhi
Home is where the grab bars are.