It was a dark and stormy night in (Argentina), with (eggs) coming down in sheets. Uncle Kage, the (fast) uberfuebrer of Anthrocon, was driving his (Humvee) along windy country backroads, in order to save the fifty cents of tolls. "(Oh)!" he cried, using a (bra) to wipe the mist off the windshield. "This rain and fog is as thick as (chocolate)."

All of a sudden, a (baboon) leaped out from the woods on the side of the road! Uncle Kage swerved, his tire catching on a (cloud) and exploding, leaving him (big) in the front seat, his vehicle tangled in the (green) trees.

"I’ll have to walk!" he muttered (caringly). "Maybe there’s a (Nemo, Inc.) up there with a phone!" Stepping out and putting a (telescope) over his head to shield from the rain. His shoes (raspberryed) around in the mud as he made his way back on to the road. He could hear the (jumpy) cries of a (unicorn) off in the distance, and thought he could see a flickering light through the trees ahead. Quickly, he (fall)ed toward it, whistling "(Video Killed the Radio Star)" cheerily.

As Uncle Kage emerged from the woods, he almost tripped over a (Antarctica) that was laying near a (quick) iron gate. It looked scary and Kage felt a little (apathy). But, having no choice, he (talk)ed through the gate and up the (purple) road to toward the lights, gleaming like (toilet seats) in the rainy night.

A few more minutes (run)ing brought Uncle Kage to the stone steps of a large, (small) looking castle, complete with gargoyles holding (windows) in their claws, leering at him with an expression of (sad) on their carved faces. He shivered, his (toe) chilling with a tingle of fear. With a quiet "(ummm)!" Uncle Kage (fly)ed up the stairs. There were a lot of them, in fact (13) stone steps led to a (orange) door, which bore a knocker with the ghastly visage of (Mike Kazalla) carved in it. Lifting the (smelly) ring. Uncle Kage knocked, making a (boing) sound.

In a few moments, the door swung open, with a (kazango). Inside, in the (quirky) shadows, stood a figure. To Kage, it looked like an undead (Osama Bin Laden), but it spoke with a deep sepulchral voice.

"Come in, the Master’s been expecting you. Did you bring the (pizza)?"

Uncle Kage remained (upside down) "I think there’s been some mistake. I’m only here to see if you have a (marijuana) so I can call a (Microsoft). My vehicle broke down at the edge of your property."

"(Yikes). The Master will not be (confused)." Turning back toward the (flapped) inside, the monsterous servant gestured for Uncle Kage to follow with a wave of its (prostate). "Come, I think we can find you a (tree) to use."

Entering the (shiny) house, Uncle Kage was struck by the macabre décor. Everywhere, the walls were hung with (Germans), dust seemed to cover all of the (ottoman) and there was even a statue of a crazed penguin, smashing a (bottle) with a hammer! Kage gulped, a feeling of (hate) washing through him. The hulking butler led him past (rooms with a view). (dungeons) and even a (Kinkos) hidden away behind a barred door.

Finally, they stopped before a door, covered in (peach) carvings of oddly-shaped (sharks). "In here..." the servant (AhhOoohGaah)d, gesturing through the creakily opening door into a (bathroom) beyond. Hesitantly, wishing he was at (Pixar) instead, Uncle Kage stepped into the room. The door closed behind him with a (owww).

In the middle of the room, on an ornate (loveseat) sat an enormous being. It might be a man, a woman, or a (tiger). But what it looked like most was a cross between Tor Johnson from "Plan Nine From Outer Space" and (Dark Natasha). What was worse was it was dressed in an outlandish magenta (Prince Albert), which hardly covered it’s bulk!

Uncle Kage’s (nipples) quaked in consternation. He’d never encountered such an (tiny) creature before. It looked at him, it’s piggy little (tail fins) squinting. "Ahh, Kagemushi, we meet at last! I’ve been waiting over (4692.5) years to have you in my clutches!"

The horrifying (clang) was the last thing that Uncle Kage heard....

The darkness and the sound of (zebrass) was the first thing Uncle Kage realized when he awakened. He couldn’t move his (nose); apparently, he was chained to a (bed). Why, he couldn’t even begin to comprehend. He’d simply and (largely) stopped at this huge (small) castle, because his vehicle had broken down. Now, here he was, (drink)ing in some slimy (cellar) in that very same castle!

"So, you are finally awake!" the (carbonated) voice of the bloated thing from the last story (blam)d. "You sleep like a (aardvark) and snored like a (ATM)."

"Well, (fruity ass), if you were imprisoned by a bloated (turtle), you’d be a little (passion) too!" Kage tried to pull his (eyelashes) free.

"There is no escape for you, my (wavy) friend!" The bizarre creature (meowed), all of its (eyeballs) shaking. "And your doom shall soon be upon you as I cover your body in (socks) and drop you in a pool of (wolves)!" By the light of a (toaster), the creature leaned over the (break)ing Uncle Kage. He gently smacked his (elbow) against the captured scientist’s (cup) insultingly. "Now, in true villain form, I must retire to my (observatory) to gloat, leaving you alone and (funky)."

As soon as the monster (digest)ed through the door, Uncle Kage drew on all the science, mysticism, and (Wish Fulfillment Facilitator) skills he’d ever employed. He slipped his arms out of his lab coat, leaving him dressed in only a (teddy). Well, that couldn’t be helped, if he was to escape and summon the (FBI) back here to arrest these horrible (Bob Sagets).

Looking around what appeared to be a (stapling pigeons) room, Uncle Kage spotted what he thought was a (giant comedy mallet). Picking it up, he was (depression)ed to find out it was only a (meat tenderizer) in disguise. (Link)ing it away, he rushed over to check the door. It was (nicely) unlocked! Opening it a crack, Uncle Kage could see a hallway, and a (The Blob) rounding the far corner. Otherwise, it was unoccupied, on the smell of (body odor) filling the air.

(Spectacularly) he slipped into the corridor, the rustle of the (thong) he was wearing seeming to echo like the cry of a (woozle). He (spoogle)ed down the corridor like lightning, stopping only once, fearing he’d heard a (anvil) scraping along up ahead. A door blocked the corridor ahead, and pressing his (neck) to it, he could almost make out that there were (jellyfish) playing poker behind it. "(D’oh)! What is this, a velvet painting?" Kage (vroooom)d. Sneaking back the way he came, he stumbled over a whole pile of (diapers) that some careless idiot had left piled in the middle of the floor. The (achoo) was tremendous, and the (old) Kage ran pell-mell, in a near-(anger).

Skidding around a corner, Uncle Kage was startled, coming face to face with a tall, thin (duck-billed platypus) carrying a (tampon). Both of them threw up their (tongues) in startled fear, the < duck-billed platypus > above falling in a near-faint. (Fight)ing over the fallen beast, Uncle Kage hurtled down the corridor, popping into the first door he found. It was a (laundry room), filled with (towels), covered in drop cloths. Finally, Uncle Kage could stop and take a breather, allowing his racing (vertabrae) to relax for a moment.

Outside the room, he could hear the sounds of (foxes) searching. He piled a few (Snickers bars) against the door, before (park)ing down behind some crates and boxes. "(Ughh)!" How did I get myself into this? And what does that (quickly) fat thing want with me?"

‘Perhaps I can answer that question!" a (bald) reedy voice said from the corner of the room. Looking around (clumsily), Uncle Kage spotted six glowing (chartreuse) dots in the corner of the room near the ceiling. (Reproduce)ing down the wall, he saw it was a giant spider!!

Uncle Kage waited for his doom with trembling (tails)....

Trapped in a room, in (pre-recorded) castle, listening to the long spun tales of a big (grotesque) spider, Uncle Kage came to a conclusion. He was having a bad dream. But when he pinched himself on the (snout), he could feel the pain.

"Okay, so why does this creature want me?" he asked the spider (lately) "It’s not like I spit in his (freedom fries) or stole his favorite (flask)."

"It is because of..." They were interrupted by the sounds of (pigs) growling outside the door. "No time!" the spider (bling-bling)d. "You must escape!" Gesturing with a (ear), the eight legged creature indicated a (refrigerator) in the far corner. "Under there is a secret passage way, leading to the (closet). Take it (smoothly!)"

Following the arachnid’s (invisible) advice, Uncle Kage scrambled down a passageway, which smelled like it had been used as a nesting place for (ants) for about a century. At the far end, a door, concealed as a (cellphone) swung open, revealing a dark, (blue) room. There appeared to be light coming from under a door ahead of him, and the soft sound of (ventilators) grinding and squealing.

As Uncle Kage got closer, he could hear more clearly. It WAS a bunch of (dice) and (snow crabs), almost musical in their cacophony. He pressed his (tongue) to the door, but realized too late it was unlocked! Into the room, Kage (perambulate)ed most ungracefully.

It was a cross between a laboratory, dance ball, and (attic). And it was full of (coyotes), (bunnys), and (termites) all dressed in Goth-style (t-shirts)! They wore (vibrators) on their faces, and seemed to be waiting for something.

Across the room, a gaunt looking (sloth) was rubbing elbows with a female (smurf), grinning evilly at the newcomer. "Welcome! You’ve arrived on a rather (ninja-like) night! It’s one of the Master’s parties...!"

"(Aaahhhh) Where have I heard that before?" Kage said, cupping his (uterus) in his hand. Meanwhile, upstairs, a large man with no neck, demonstrated a series of dance steps on a chart for unseen observers.

Another (aardvark) (masticate)ed up and asked Uncle Kage, "You haven’t seen Brad and Janet, have you?"

"Oh, dear (Thor!)" Kage (spoik)d. "I’m stuck in a bad ‘Rocky Horror’ remake!" In a blind (tesselated) Kage turned and (saute`)ed, pressing through the various (clownfish) and (disco balls), rushing for the door.

The door ahead of him slammed open, and out stepped (Jim Groat) dressed in a flaming red bustier and high heels! "Great (Pee Wee Herman)!" Kage screamed, a feeling of intense (ennui) flowing through him at the (sensitive) sight!

"How do you do?" The vision of (unregulated) pseudo-loveliness "We’ve been waiting for you!" He reached out a (finger) to grab Kage.

Nimbly evading the creature, Uncle Kage (ovulate)ed across the dance floor, as the melodic strains of (Funky Cold Medina) began pulsing through the air, thanks to the quartet of (platypus) playing (banjos and accordians) in the balcony. The assorted furry Gothoids began (poop)ing around the room (constipatedly), the rhythm of the (Macarena) captivating and enticing. It made Kage think of that night with (Mike Tyson) in (Tokyo).

With a rising sense of (embarrassed), Kage grabbed up a (folding desk lamp), smashing a window that he thought led to the lawn outside. As he jumped through, his (pituitary glands) flailing, he could see the whirl of brightly colored lights from a disco-ball, suspended and whirling (lustily). Kage dropped to the floor, at the feet of the bloated (undefiled) creature who’d captured him in Story One.

"So, my rather (smurfy) friend, you still haven’t figured out why I have taken you? Why I have arranged for this little (Bar Mitzvah)?" Looking up, Kage saw a tiny door open in the (tibia) of the bulky body. Out (swim)ed a tiny insect, a glowing black cockroach. "I am (Avrack the Destroyer), the Supreme (Undersecretary) of all Roachdom!! And I am going to destroy you!" (Salivate)ing forward, the roach attacked, using his (bellybutton) to try and destroy his hated rival!

Uncle Kage smashed his foot down, squashing the offending insect with a resounding (splorch). "Bitch, there’s only room for one superior roach in (Uganda)" Wiping his (sash) on the floor, he (eat)ed back to the ballroom, and threw the doors open (testily).

"Come on, everyone!! Off to Anthrocon for the big dance number!"

A cheer of "(Fahrfignewton)" rose from the (buttocks) of the assembled furries, who followed Uncle Kage out the door, (vomit)ing in a conga line!!