THE TROUBLED FAMILY
By Jack Thompson
INTRODUCTION:
1. My subject, THE TROUBLED FAMILY is no easy task. Not because of an
absence of material, but because of the serious problems that are
bombarding us. The family structure about us is in deep trouble.
And the actions of the world are infiltrating the body of Christ in
far too many instances.
2. As our beginning place, I carry us back to the beginning -Genesis
1:27, 28.
I. WHAT WAS AND IS THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE?
A. Procreation (Gen 1:27,28). Defined: "Creation for or on behalf of
another." God created man and woman. He then gave the
responsibility of both man and woman, not separately, but together,
to continue His creative Work.
Helen Keller once said: "There has been no greater blessing
bestowed upon man than the realization that God allows a mother and
a father to work together with God's law to reproduce and bring
forth a child -- there is the divine element; there is the human
element -- working together with God to produce in harmony with
God's divine law."
And, it is within the marriage relationship that the little
bundle of joy has been placed to be nurtured, loved, and developed.
A human child cannot reach his/her full development without the co-
operation and care of two caring parents.
The married pair will have to unclasp one hand each to bring
another into the circle, willing to sacrifice and suffer, yea even
die for the sake of their little ones. Marriage is not an end in
itself. It is a united ministry to others. We have been created to
serve.
B. Sexual Fulfillment (Gen. 2:23-25).
There is placed within each of us certain desires that need
fulfillment. One of these is the sexual desire. It is this desire
that enhances God's command to be fruitful, multiply and replenish
the earth.
Yet, Jehovah, from the very beginning, regulated and restricted
this great blessing within the family bond. Note 1 Cor. 7:2-5; Heb.
13:4. There is perhaps no more grievous sin than fornication.
Knowing this, Jehovah placed the satisfaction and attainment of
this desire within the marriage relationship. This desire, like all
other blessings bestowed upon us by a loving Father, is beautiful
and wholesome; but if misused or abused, becomes a sin damning act
that will cause souls to be lost.
C. Companionship (Gen. 2:18, 21-23).
All marriages are not blessed with children. Even if they are,
children come and then they go, leaving the couple alone together
again. Parenthood, therefore, may enrich marriage, but it will not
sustain it. Neither will the sexual attainments. There is much more
to marriage than physical love-making.
It is the daily living together, the close bond of husband and
wife that develops into true and trusted friends. Loneliness is one
of the most dreaded experiences that men and women can undergo. God
said it was not good for man to be alone. (Gen. 2:18). We have
that great need to love and to be loved. In marriage there is that
sense of never being alone, whether the two are near, or far apart.
In no other relationship can this need be attained than through
marriage. The close and intimate life together of husband and
wife, sharing their resources, their plans, their hopes, the
married couple grow into a fellowship of warm affection and mutual
trust which continues to grow and develop as the years move on. At
lease, that is what marriage should be. In Gen. 1:31, Jehovah God
said, "And behold, it was VERY good." But, things go awry.
Troubles step in. Difficulties arise. The honeymoon is soon over
and the daily task of living together becomes a reality.
Consequently, in far too many families, troubles, deep troubles
begin to shake this relationship and far, far, too many develop
problems that are almost, if not completely impossible to solve.
Thus, MY SUBJECT:
II. THE TROUBLED FAMILY:
1. I do not propose to solve all of the problems or troubles that may
arise in a family relationship. In fact, we may not even touch
upon the particular problem about which you may be thinking.
2. But, one thing I do know. We do have a perfect manual to turn to
that has the complete answer to every difficulty you will ever face
-- whether in the family, as a husband or wife, mother or father,
or any other relationship.
3. That manual or standard is the WORD OF GOD. Paul stated it very
ably. 2 Tim. 3:16-17. "Every scripture is inspired...
4. Reminds me of the person who purchases an item that must be
assembled. Desk, bookcase, bicycle, whatever. He opens the box and
scatters the pieces all over the floor. He begins to assemble, then
realizes that he has it all wrong. So, he takes it apart and starts
over, but to no avail. What is the solution? Go to the instruction
manual that came with the item. Man's problem with marriage is
that he has the difficulties scattered all over the floor, but he
does not want to look at the instruction book. He has his own
solutions and ideas, and more often than not--they result in
failure. When will we learn to open the book, return to the
standard, and accept God's arrangements. You see, when God made
man, he gave us a perfect manual. He has given us a perfect guide;
one that has all of the needed solutions and answers. If we but had
the wisdom and the will to look therein.
III. DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION:
1. There are various and sundry solutions to the many problems that
arise in a marriage, but divorce has never been a solution that is
pleasing to Jehovah. DIVORCE IS SIMPLY NOT AN OPTION.
2. Matt. 19:6-- Jesus made it very clear. "What God hath joined
together, let not man put asunder." I realize and understand that
there is one exception as stated by our Lord. But, even in this
exception, sin has been committed by at least one party in the
marriage.
3. The modern concept is similar to the scientist in the lab. He
tries one solution and if it does not work, he throws it out and
tries another. Not so in marriage.
4. There are no exchange windows in the marriage relationship. We
purchase a garment and take it home. Upon further examination we
decide it is not the right color, does not fit right, or just
doesn't suit our fancy. So, we return it for another, or perhaps a
refund. NOT SO WITH MARRIAGE.
5. We hear today of TRIAL MARRIAGES; or "living together." Such is a
flagrant denial of God's will and purposes. SIN cannot be put on a
trial basis. Fornication is fornication no matter what one calls it
or labels it.
6. You may ask, "Why discuss divorce at the beginning of a lesson on
solving marital problems?" The answer lies in the fact that one's
attitude toward divorce will, in a large measure, determine our
attitude toward marriage; one's attitude toward solving the
problems in marriage. If divorce is not an option, then couples
will work harder to solve their problems. In fact, they WILL SOLVE
THEM.
IV. ATTITUDES TOWARD TROUBLES:
1. Assuming that there will be problems (and rest assured, there will
be), or that there are already problems in the family relationship
we now turn our attention toward various attitudes and dispositions
that must be present if these problems are to be solved.
2. First and foremost there must be a desire and a will to solve the
problem or problems. Where there is no will there is no way. When
couples refuse to acknowledge the problem, or stick their heads in
the sand, the difficulty only increases.
3. Note also, the desire cannot be one-sided. Both parties must want
to solve the problem. Both must work toward a solution. The family
is doomed if one party bows his/her back and does not enter
wholehearted into the effort to work on the differences.
4. This willingness demands that each party have the proper
disposition toward each other. The Word of God (our manual) deals
with the sins of evil dispositions as forcefully as it does with
the sin of drunkenness or other sins that we consider so grievous.
Listen to the apostle: 2 Cor. 12:20; Gal. 5:20; Col. 3:8; Gal.
5:15.
"But," someone says, "Paul is talking to these churches,
congregations." Question. What makes up congregations? Churches?
Individuals. Truly, Paul is addressing congregations, but his
message is for each member in whatever relationship they find
themselves. Surely, you are not telling me that Paul is saying,
"Now do not bite and devour one another when you come into the
assembly to worship; but, it is perfectly all right if you, as a
husband speaks shamefully to your wife at home, or you as a wife
have malice in your heart toward your husband." Oh, NO!! These
dispositions will destroy a home as quickly as they will destroy a
congregation. Perhaps, even quicker, because the home is a daily
relationship, an hourly matter. And ill-feelings in our heart when
we go to bed, and when we arise each morning, will doom any
relationship to failure.
Paul says that these sinful dispositions are of the OLD MAN and
as children of God we have put off the old man, we have been
crucified to the flesh and all of its doings. We both HUSBAND and
WIFE have put on the new man, raised to walk in newness of life,
"renewed unto knowledge after the image of him that created us."
(Col. 5:10).
There is simply no place for a selfish, stubborn, overbearing
and headstrong person in a marriage union, or as far as that goes,
in any relationship
Eph. 4:31, 32 -- When will we ever listen to the inspired
writers and learn the characteristics and disposi-tions needful to
make our homes havens of happiness and bliss as God so intended
them to be.
V. ONE GRIEVOUS DISPOSITION IS THAT OF SELFISHNESS:
1. There is no place in the family relationship for mine and yours. It
must be OURS. Did not Jehovah say, "The two shall become one." It
is no longer, "What I want, but will it please her/him." So often
in our decisions we consider what we wish with little or no
consideration of the other party. Their feelings are not brought
into the picture. We trod along with satisfying SELF, what please
ME.
2. It is at this point that materialism often steps in. It's MY boat,
MY car, MY money, MY inheritance, and usually we are not content to
have the ordinary, the mundane, the simple things in life. Oh, NO!!
We desire the expensive, the extravagant, like "the Jones down the
street." And just as surely, trouble jumps into the marriage,
because now we have the problem of paying for these "things." So,
the wife now gets a job and so very often the family relationship
suffers. Now, I realize that both parties in the marriage can have
jobs and can succeed in the marriage. But, what I am saying is
that the potential for problems is there. And it takes special
effort upon the part of both to make the relationship work. It will
take more understanding, more patience, more long-suffering,
between mates and between parents and children. There is no place
for selfishness.
3. We look at the example of our Lord as Paul writes to the brethren
at Ephesus. Hear him, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ
loved the church, and gave Himself or it." (Eph. 5:25). Brethren,
there is no selfishness here. His concern was not for SELF. It was
for you and for me. His whole existence was lived for others. And
so must we, if we desire to please Him.
VI. ALL MARRIAGES HAVE TIMES OF TESTING: (Just as life itself, Jas. 1:2-3-
-"Count it all joy......" Trials are not necessarily bad; they
can be beneficial.)
1. Sometimes the problems are major, often they are minor; but, all
are very real. At these times the fellowship of the marriage is in
real peril. Anger may show itself and words spoken which are
afterward bitterly regretted. Sometimes deceit may seek to conceal
inconsistences. Hearts may be hardened and spirits stressed in
vindictive silence. Husband and wife fall out of tune with each
other, their ONENESS shattered and discord prevails. In this
atmosphere love can easily become hate, trust turns into suspicion
and tenderness to cold indifference.
2. Love must be able to endure during these times of trials, these
times of testing. Remember the great apostle said, "Love suffers
long, and is kind......" (1 Cor 13:4-8a). And above all other
relationships, this attribute must, MUST, it MUST be present in the
marriage bond.
3. The truth is that the whole fellowship of marriage is ultimately
based on FORGIVENESS. Two people unable to forgive will not endure
very long in living together as husband and wife, parent and child.
This is why our courts of law fail so miserably in dealing with
marriage problems. The law is concerned with offence and
retribution, making the punishment fit the crime. But, so long as
marriage remains, it must be conducted upon an entirely different
set of principles -- the principles of repentance and forgiveness.
VII. FORGIVENESS IS ESSENTIAL IN THE SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE:
1. Need I remind you husbands, that you are not married to a perfect
wife. You say, "Well, I knew that!" BUT, neither is your wife
married to a perfect husband. Both husband and wife are frail
creatures of the flesh. We are all susceptible to the mistakes and
the blunders that everyone else makes. For this reason, as well as
many others, we must be forgiving partners in the marriage
relationship. To expect perfection is to be doomed to failure.
2. But, forgiveness goes hand in hand with repentance. When we err
toward our mates, God demands that we repent. This fact is true in
any relationship, but how essential in the closeness of the
marriage bond. Repentance is to be followed with confession and
then by forgiveness.
3. But, whether or not your husband or your wife ever repents of the
mistakes made, we must have the godly attitude of forgiveness.
Isn't is comforting to remember that Jehovah did not wait for our
repentance to send His Son, for "while we were yet sinners, Christ
died for us." (Rom. 5:8). The loving voice of our Savior rings
across the ages as, suspended upon the cross, He spoke, "Father
forgive them, for they know not what they do." BUT US, when we are
wronged, we stick out our lips and pout, we react out of anger, and
the battle rages.
4. When, Oh when, will we ever learn to have a forgiving, contrite
spirit toward our mates. Paul says, "Don't let the sun go down upon
your wrath." What he is telling you and me is: get things
straightened out before the day ends. Do not let it run over into
tomorrow. NOW is the acceptable time. We need to solve our
difficulties on a daily basis, so they do not build up and fester,
becoming mountain to overcome.
5. Remember, our repentance must be GENUINE, it must be brought on by
godly sorrow. Paul states, "For godly sorrow worketh repentance
unto salvation..." (2 Cor 6:10). Surely, you have seen by now that
the characteristics of the Child of God must be the foundation of a
good marriage. We need desperately the dispositions and the
character of our loving Savior as we live each day in harmony with
His example.
VIII. COMMUNICATION:
1. Let us get out the instruction book and study about a very
fundamental need in every family relationship, a need for husband-
wife, for father-son, for mother-daughter. That need is
COMMUNICATION.
2. It seems that everyone is talking, but no one is listening. This
is extremely dangerous in the close relationship of the family. How
many families have been shipwrecked because the husband and wife
have not learned how to communicate, to talk and to listen. I would
like to look at the matter of communication in the family as Paul
discusses this in the Ephesian Letter.
3. In the second half of the Ephesian letter, Paul discusses various
relationships between Christians. In 5:22, he addresses wives. In
5:25, he addressed husbands. In 6:1, he speaks to children. In 6:4,
he speaks to parents, fathers specifically. Finally, he discussed
the working or business relationships as he exhorts slaves (6:5)
and their masters (6:9). Isn't it interesting that Paul deals with
husband-wife relationship, then parent-child relationship, then
employer-employee relationship, in that order. One's spouse, his
children, and his work should be placed in that unvarying order;
and only tragic results come from reversals of shifts in these
priorities. Husbands when you put your job ahead of your wife, your
family, trouble is around the corner.
4. The first three chapters of Ephesians deals with God's wonderful
scheme of redemption. How that from the beginning of the foundation
of this creation He planned and in time executed that redemption by
the sending of the Christ, who shed His blood on the cruel tree.
God's wonderful love extended to sinful mankind and the
reconciliation of both Jew and Gentile now in one body, redeemed
and made fellow-citizens in the holy temple of our Lord, the church
(3:20-21).
5. Chapter 4 begins with a discussion of the Christian's walk, his
daily manner of Life (4:1). "Walk no more as the Gentiles" (4:17).
In 5:1-2, "walk in love." In 5:8, "walking as children of light."
In 5:15, "being careful how ye walk."
6. This walk is not a solitary walk, along some guarded path by
ourself alone; but, rather a walk of one believer with others. The
walk of a child of God with other children of God. The walk of a
husband with his wife, the wife with her husband, the parent with
the child, children with parents, business man with employee, etc.
We do not walk in the path of righteousness alone. Christ and our
brethren are on the road as well. It is this walk that we sustain
with Christ Jesus, and with our brethren that Paul has in mind.
7. Chapter 4 stresses this point as Paul shows deep concern for unity
and fellowship in love (4:1-6). Walking together in unity, in the
bond of peace. As a member of the family of God I am to strive for
unity amongst brethren. As a member of a home, I am to strive for
unity in the marriage relationship. With our every fiber let us
strive to keep unity and peace. Obviously, unity cannot have
precedence over truth; neither in the church nor in the family.
8. In chapter 4 (17), Paul reminds us that we all walked as the
Gentiles and were alienated from God (vs 18). Notice the
characteristics of that OLD MAN (vs 19) whom you have put away
(22). Now, in Christ, you have put on the NEW MAN (24). Paul's
letter to Colossae (3:5-14) stresses the same subject matter adding
more emphasis. It is with this background that Paul discusses the
basic relationships of the Christian (chapters 5 & 6). How are we
to attain development and growth in these relationships?
9. First of all, the great apostle stresses the need for communication
as the basic skill needed to establish and maintain sound
relationships. A good husband-wife relationship is impossible
without good communication. A wholesome parent-child relationship
depends upon communication. Paul's discussion of communication
begins with 4:25.
10. (vs 25) Christians cannot walk together unless they do so on the
basis of honesty, openness and truth. Deception, lies, half-truths
will tear a family apart. There must be open channels of
communication in a truly Christ centered home.
11. (vs 26) We talked about this a little bit earlier in the lesson.
But, how important that we learn not to harbor ill feelings. Anger
may be handled wrongly in one of two ways. (1) blowing up, or (2)
clamming up. Either is sin. The child of God cannot lose his/her
temper and throw a tantrum. We cannot explode when things do not go
our way. Neither can we harbor resentments.
We read of a couple who were having marriage problems. When
they went to a third party for help, she came to the meeting with a
manuscript of 8 1/2 X ll sheets of paper, about an inch thick. In
single-spaced, typewritten of both sides, she had listed all of the
complaints she had harbored for the past 13 years. She was an
extremely resentful wife. This was not only a record of the things
the husband had done, but also a record of her bitterness. Wives-
Husbands, LOVE NEVER KEEPS RECORDS. Either written or mental.
Surely, the husband had to change his ways, but the wife also had
to correct her attitudes.
12. Husbands often point at their wives; wives point at their husbands.
And, usually there is plenty to point at on both sides. But
pointing at each other never solved a problem. We need to be
pointing to the problem and not to each others. Actually we should
be pointing to ourself. It will amaze you how soon one will agree
with you if you simple say, "I have wronged you." Then ask for
forgiveness. We should never remove the lid from the others trash
can until we have cleaned out our own first. That is where
communication begins.
13. Few things are sapping the strength of the church and undermining
marriages more than the inability to walk together and to
communicate.
14. But back to our manual. Eph. 5:29, "Let no corrupt speech proceed
out of your mouth." Paul is not discussing foul language, though
that would indeed be included. This admonition includes any word
that would tear down, or cut up another. Husbands, wives, watch
your tongue, your choice of words. There is something better we can
do with our words. BUILD UP, edify. We need to direct our words
toward the problem, not toward the person. Try to build up and not
to tear down. What have we accomplished if we shred our companion.
What have we accomplished if we have made her/him feel little.
15. (vs 31) We touched on this also, but how urgent it is for Husband
and wife to live without bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and
malice. We must work on maintaining a wholesome and good will
toward each other. Do not look for the flaws, the mistakes. Look
for the strengths, the good things.
16. (vs 32) "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving,
even as Christ...." What a wonderful Savior. It wasn't lovely
people He died for; if was ungodly sinners. It was law breakers,
rebellious renegades. Yet, he loved us. So, says Paul, we are to
love one another. Husband love your wife, wife love your husband,
parent love your child, children love your parents. REMEMBER, GOD
LOVES YOU!! And He does it in spite of our mistakes and errors.
IX. COMMUNICATION BETWEEN PARENTS AND CHILDREN:
1. Often we hear of the generation gap. That huge expanse between
parent and child. Perhaps it is an acquaintance gap. Young people
and adults do not know each other. The inability to communicate
often enters the picture. Sometimes it is because neither knows
what the other is interested in. They live under the same roof, but
they rarely see one another. Especially after the teenage years
come along. The father goes off to work before the children are
awake. Mother may go back to bed after seeing the husband off to
work; or off to her own job. Teenagers get themselves up and off to
school without seeing either parent. Then after school there is
ball practice, band practice, or something else that consumes
their time; maybe a job that last until bedtime. Parents have
things that tie them up in the evenings; so the days come and go,
and there is precious little time spent together. A meal together
is even a rare occasion.
All of these activities may be wholesome and proper, but still
the family suffers because there is so little time spent together,
let along time spent in teaching and instruction. This causes many
children to make too many decisions on their own, and so often they
will leave spiritual matters out of their thoughts and plans.
2. Let us never make the mistake of thinking the child is born in our
house, he grows up in our house, and we suppose he/she will turn
our all right because he is our child. Parents, it take constant
work, time and concern. Talk to your children. Keep the
communication lines open at all times. And be sure that YOU LISTEN
TO THEM.
X. DISCIPLINE WITH DIGNITY:
1. In Paul's first letter to Timothy, he lists the qualifications of
those men who are to serve as overseers in the family of God. One
of the requirements found in 1 Tim. 3:4 is that the father should
"have his children in subjection with all gravity." This word
"gravity" suggests reverence, dignity. Fathers you are the
authority of that household and ultimately you shall be judged as
to how you ruled your own house. But though authority must be
exercised, it must be done with true dignity, that is, it must be
done in such a manner that the father's firmness makes it advisable
for a child to obey, that his wisdom makes it natural for a child
to obey, and that his love makes it a pleasure for the child to
obey.
2. In Eph. 6:4, Paul states that the child should be nurtured in the
chastening and admonition of the Lord. He also states, "Provoke not
your children to wrath (anger)." Do not EXASPERATE your children,
that they lose heart. The term means to take the wind out of them.
Do not break your child.
Does not this describe what has happened in so many today?
Angry exasperation so clearly describes the prevalent attitude of
rebellion among so many young people. They have become exasperated
with their parents. They have given up on them. And in turn they
have given up on the adult world around them. In anger they turn
their backs on their parents and close their ears, their minds, and
their hearts. They cannot be reached. They are not excused for such
actions; but, neither are parents excused for provoking them to
anger. The fact is true far too often that children have not been
disciplined as the Bible (our manual) teaches.
3. UNDERDISCIPLINE: One thing that is a major factor in exasperating
children is the matter of underdiscipline. The child never knows
where he/she stands. "If you do that you are going to get a
spanking." Tomorrow he does it --nothing happens. The next day he
does it again -- nothing happens. The third day, mom is exasperated
herself and when he does the same thing he has done for the past
three days, she whops him good. Thus no consistent discipline.
When the rules change day by day, the child does not know where he
stands. When rules are enforced only at the parent's whims, the
child is confused. Wouldn't you become exasperated if the rules
for baseball changed every time you played? What if your child
changed the rules every time you played checkers with him/her?
4. Sometimes as parents we keep moving the boundaries. It takes effort
to discipline properly. It takes time. One of the most precious
commodities parents owe their children is their TIME. We cannot
give up to quickly on our children. Young people want rules. They
want to KNOW where the limits are. Spell them out. Be specific.
Let your children know what the results will be when they break the
rules. And never make a rule that you do not fully expect to
enforce. If that happens, the child does not think that you mean
business. They do not think that your are dependable. Too many
rules may be as exasperating as no rules at all. Isn't it
interesting that when God put Adam and Eve in the garden He gave
them one rule. And the penalty was clearly spelled out. Then when
they broke the rule, Jehovah followed through. Such has always been
God's arrangements. May we ever learn from Him. Go back to the
manual.
5. As with underdisciplining, so likewise overdisciplining may also
provoke children to wrath. As much as we need to understand that
the father is the authority in the home, one should never flaunt
that authority. The use of authority simply because one has
authority will cause resentment and anger on the part of the other
members of the family. This will lead to rebellion against that
authority. Authority is given for the benefit of the child, not for
some egotistical attitude on the part of the father. The assertion
of authority often leads to foolish and overly rigid rules. If the
love of God gave commandments that are not grievous (1 John 5:3),
why should ours be???
6. Another example of overdiscipline is saying NO to everything. This
is not to say that NO has no place in discipline, for surely it
does. But, suppose every time you spoke to the husband or wife, you
only heard NO or DON'T. Suppose there was never a word of
encouragement or appreciation. Suppose he saw only your mistakes,
and always managed to squeeze the word NO into every conversation.
How would you feel? And yet, this is exactly the way many parents
come across to their children. No encouragement, nothing about the
good things they do. It is always the noise, the broken dish, the
muddy feet, and on and on. It takes effort to commend the good, to
encourage right actions and deeds. But, how needed it is!!!
CONCLUSION:
1. Truly, rebellious children are a heartache to parents. But, if we
will get back to the instruction book, the Divine Pattern, the
finished product will once again reflect the image of God and be
what the Lord so intended that we be.
2. So also, in the family relationship, let us pick up the manual,
open the book and on bended knees, pray for God's help in making
our families the kind of families that the Lord so intended that
they be.
3. I close with Matt. 7:25, "and the rain descended, and the floods
came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell
not: for it was founded upon the rock." If your family is founded
upon the rock of God's Word, it will withstand the rains of
controversy, the floods of differences, and the winds of trials and
be the glorious, rewarding adventure that the Lord so planned for
you.
4. There is the possibility that in the audience there may be one or
more who have never responded to the Divine Manual in the primary
obedience of the Gospel. Or, perhaps, one or more who as the
children of God, have walked in forbidden paths. If so, this is a
wonderful opportunity to correct you mistakes and to make known
your desires if they are public in nature.
(This material is available in tract form,
Jack Thompson)
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