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"WHAT is WRONG with these adoptive parents?"
-a national TV host on a certain famous nightly news program
The other day I was in a hurry to get to an appointment with my kids. We got to the parking lot, and all the spaces were full except for one. This space was barely big enough for the minivan, and the dividing line was smack-dab in the middle of the space because the other cars had crowded themselves in, too. I took the space, we barely squeezed out of the van, we made the appointment. Later, we came out and found the lot was half-empty. Most of the cars that had been there had moved out, and others had moved in. My minivan was the only vehicle straddling two spaces. There was a note on the windshield. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, SPACE HOG! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?" Do you know what came to mind? This is par for my course. This is a regular occurrence. I struggled with infertility, struggled with adoption, I have these two lovely kids who are different from average and there isn't a week that goes by that I don't get a look or a comment from someone wondering what I have done wrong as a parent, that my children do not behave like other kids. People who come from a world with abundant resources, who do not struggle with these difficult special needs and adoption issues, who have never dealt with attachment and neurodevelopmental differences have no idea why it might be a struggle to fit my kids into this parking-lot world we live in.
People who have never dealt with genuine Attachment Disorder have no idea how those parents struggle and strive to maintain their families without falling before the destructive emotional forces of a child who will not be parented. People who have never dealt with neurodevelopmental issues do not know the struggle and heartache of parents who are suddenly faced with living with an impaired child who does not 'catch up' despite the platitudes of social workers, doctors, friends and family. People who have never dealt with potential disruption or residential placement have absolutely no idea how that decision-making process tears a family apart. All they see is that the family isn't working right, and it must be the parents' fault. They weren't prepared enough, they had high expectations, they were high-achieving overly-entitled yuppies with rescue fantasies who only wanted to adopt perfect blue-eyed, blond-haired children and now that their children are not as high achieving (or blond) as they are, they are disappointed and want to trade them in for a better kid…What a crock. (The sad part is that the same type arguments are used to dismiss families who have children born to them with developmental issues, when they are struggling to get their services - somehow it must have been their bad attitude that caused this difficult outcome… What a sad misconception!)
Not that we get that much respect from within the adoption community… There are strongly polarized divisions between groups concerned with adoption. Are you for open or closed records? Are you for healthy infant adoptions or special needs? Are you for adoption from American foster care or foreign orphanages? Are you up front and on-stage about your adoption or are you secretive and private? And within the international adoption community, are you working within the strict legal and ethical guidelines, or are you using any means necessary to get your child? Because there have been so many divisions, there has been an explosion of support groups that cater to the people in the different camps. So, one of the problems you face when you join this community of adoptive families is being identified with the group that most closely fits your experience. That makes you an instant (Continued on page 33)
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