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...From 'stimulation' to 'adaptation'
The most common advice new adoptive parents get is to put their child in a 'developmental stimulation' program as soon as possible. The idea is that the child has suffered from a lack of adequate stimulation, and now he needs to make up for lost time. I have a very different philosophy. You cannot make up for lost time. You can only be here, now, and do what is right for your child today. You must work with what you have, not try to change the past. Don't load your child with so much stimulation that they have no time to organize it and adapt to it. Otherwise you will end up with an overstimulated, disorganized child.
Imagine that someone gives you a rare and beautiful flower in a tiny flowerpot. The poor plant is terribly root-bound, has not had adequate fertilizer, has been deprived of water and sunlight. Do you put it into a great big pot full of fertilizer and leave it in full sunlight under a dripping faucet? No, of course not. The plant needs to start with a small pot with good soil into which the little plant can form healthy roots without developing transplant shock or getting burned by too much fertilizer or sun. The same is true for a child. Children need boundaries they can handle. If you take them from a deprived environment to an enriched environment with more stimulation than they can process, they will be overstimulated. You will give your kid transplant shock! They will not be able to organize and interpret their new experiences. Wait until they have settled a bit. They need time to adapt to their new environment and an opportunity to attach to their new family. (Realize, of course, in this analogy you are the dirt! Those little roots do have to attach... so you need to be willing to sit still long enough! Patience and support are critical for success.)
...From 'attachment disordered' to 'special attachment needs'
Don't assume that your child has Attachment Disorder for the long term. Your child is going to need time to adapt to an entirely new set of emotional relationships. They may need to learn how to cuddle -- their previous experiences of being held may not have been pleasant, and they may feel a need to guard themselves from physical restraint. Don't take it personally! This is not a rejection of you or your affection unless it persists for several months. Don't blame the previous caregivers. If you go by the book, then yes, these children do qualify for the label of Reactive Attachment Disorder, based on their history and their initial behaviors. But remember, many adoptive parents have worked through the initial detachment, and after a period of adjustment they have a child who is as attached to them as they are to the child. Don't let anybody label your child with "Attachment Disorder" until you have fixed their medical problems and then provided them with a full 6 months of consistent, predictable caregiving by a parent who is physically and emotionally available to the child. And remember, it is your responsibility as a parent to attach yourself to that child. You know that ahead of time -- your child does not. Understand and be patient.
Don't try to be your child's therapist.
You didn't adopt that child to become their care provider, and they don't need you to be their therapist, no matter how good you are. They need you to be their parent 100% of the time, to provide unconditional love and guidance. Get appropriate help from physicians, occupational therapists, speech therapists, social workers and others who understand the is (Continued on page 20)
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